Bipolar & Anxiety

I am finally ready to explain my anxiety, bipolar disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder. Here goes.

Anxiety: 

My anxiety issues stems from my childhood and increased stress in my life. I am a survivor of physical, sexual and mental abuse. My step-father hurt me in more ways than any child should see let alone deal with. Physical abuse was not as brutal as the others. Yes, the mental abuse is more damaging, my opinion, than any of the others. I was never good enough, told I was a slut (at age 12 & up), I was a bitch that no one would ever want. The feeling of the unknown triggers an anxiety attack now. Not to mention being in large crowds. Crowds remind me of the tiny house we lived in when I was young and I can't breathe. I shake and get clammy. Going to the store just to get milk is hard for me. Medication has helped with this and being able to know when stores are not too busy helps as well. Going to Wal-Mart at 11pm is great, I only freak out when checking out. Another trigger for me is the day before I pay bills, can I pay all of them or not and running out of soda or smokes.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder:

Every person with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is different. Many have to control everything and MUST maintain total cleanliness. I know a few that are always cleaning with bleach and some who just are repetitive habits like doing things in 3's. I however, am strange. My towels must be folded just right, my dishes HAVE to be done in a certain order or I can't finish them, pictures MUST be level and my frig is organized in a certain way. When my kids were little their toys were in the right place every night. They call it 'mommy clean'. Twice a year we still 'mommy clean'. That means washing everything from light switches to the walls & carpet.One therapist would turn the clock on his wall just a little before I came in and I always HAD to fix it before sitting down. If there are dead leaves on a plant I have to fix that. My OCD is manageable without medication at this time. 

Bipolar Disorder:

There are two types of bipolar disorder. I fit into type 1 more than type 2 though I could be classified as both from year to year. I rapid cycle, or switch moods often, more than 99% of bipolars. Most bipolars have days to months in a depressive mood and mania (usually hyper). I can switch from mania to depression and back in matter of an hour, sometimes less. I do what they call extreme rapid cycling. It's like a switch and for 10 years I knew my triggers. The past 3 years I've had trouble since new triggers appeared. Triggers are people, situations or emotional times that can start a depression or mania. When I'm in a manic episode I sometimes have rage issues or episodes. 

Rage episodes for me are a burst of furry and I can lash out at anyone or anything. I have punched walls, thrown things, kicked holes in the walls, screamed, yelled and swipe everything off a table or desk. The most epic rage episode was a few years before I was medicated; I punched through a 55 gallon fish tank and killed all the fish. Not a good time in my life. For over 10 years I was on a mood stabilizer and a sleep aide. The last 3 years I have had to add several more since I have new triggers and my rage got out of control last year, no I didn't hurt anyone. 

My depression episodes are the most troubling for me. I know every November I will need an increase in medication. This is due to my mom's birthday and the month she died. I usually continue the increase through December to play it safe. Other times of the year I get into a rut where I just don't do a thing except re-read books or re-watch Netflix. When it gets really bad I have neighbors come over and make me shower and eat. Some even clean my kitchen and that tends to help push me back to a better mood, not always.  

Another issue I have with my bipolar is frequent and severe migraines. Until a few years ago I had no idea that bipolar people tend to get migraines. 

Mania:

My mania episodes are different from most. I become excessively OCD, which isn't a bad thing. Some people excessively shop, have one night stands, drink, do drugs and things like that. I used to drink excessively right after my mom died. Though unlike others I know I made sure my kids were taken care of and I kept my college grades at all A's. Another person I know in a manic state can never focus on a single thing long enough to get half way through it. I have that problem maybe once a year and that's when we go into Daylight Savings Time.  I think I have learned to focus on things that are healthy or at least not self-destructive like reading a book series of 28 books in a week or write for days at a time. 

Managing My Mental Health

I see my therapist, Joyce, monthly. Basically I just tell her what has happened since the last visit or we talk about food. We both love to cook from scratch. No, not typical but it helps me at least. My therapist tried to get me to do all sorts of things, but we found what works for me. It also helps that I can call her anytime to talk if needed which I have a few times this last year. Now remember you may have to go through many therapists before you find one you like and that can help. I went through 9.

Once a month I see the PA, Jayme, that prescribes my medication. She specialized in mental health. I love her. She is only my second to medicate me for my issues, as I call them. Since I've been medicated for 16 years I know what works and what doesn't. Jayme lets me adjust my medications as I see fit, within reason. I also call her every time I make a change and tell her if she doesn't want me to let me know. Never change your medication with asking first. I know what limits I can take of everything I'm on and what Jayme will allow me to change. Like I said I always call, even if I decide not to take one of my sleeping pills just one night. It is important to communicate with the doctor that prescribes your medication. 

Keep track of all the medication I'm on for my mental health issues and other medical issues is hard. I tried the pill box, calendar check off and several apps on my phone. I finally found the perfect one, Medisafe app. It's available for Android and Apple. With this app I can set my alerts for each medication, how often, how much and can even have a setting for as needed. There are several different alert tones; Star Wars, Minions (my favorite), Baseball, Finding Nemo, South Park, Elsa and a few more. You can set it to vibrate and flash lights as well. There's a diary that you can track things in. My favorite part is the measurements, here I can track moods, pain, blood pressure, weight, temperature, pulse, pain level, blood glucose, A1C and many others. Keep track of your appointments and which doctor prescribes which medication. I also love the fact I can email all this information to myself and print it out for my doctors. I've been using Medisafe for a few years and I can look back and see how much I have improved with taking my medication and track my weight. Before I started using Medisafe, there were days I thought I took my pills and didn't. Then a few times I double dosed. I haven't done either since I started using Medisafe since I can just open the app and see which pills I took (green check mark) or missed (blue circle thing or red exclamation point). I customized the shape and color of my pills: purple, lavender and white for mental health, blue for pain pills and pink for birth control. I love being able to do that. Another extra is that my friend can get alerts if I miss a dosage. The reminders for refills is also helpful. I have mine set to go off when I have 5 pills left of those I take once a day and 10 for ones I take twice a day. The last benefit I like is the medication information. 

Writing is another way I manage everything. I started writing in 2010 and have written over 15 novels, none published. See that's where my OCD and anxiety comes in. Writing gives me the opportunity to express what isn't proper in the real world. I mainly write about shifters, vampires (non-sparkling) and witches. Yes, sex is in there a lot too. With writing I have made lots of friends on Twitter and through NaNoWriMo. 

Reading also helps me. It distracts me from whatever is troubling me or pushing my moods around. Depending on my mood issue I read erotica, paranormal-romance, and fiction with a little sex. Check out my list of favorite book series to the right.

Twitter has helped me to meet others with mental disorders as well. Support helps as well as knowing you're not alone. I have a great group of friends that help each other when we are having a bad day. 

NaNoWriMo Time!

It's that time of year! NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) is almost here. I have been preparing for it for the first time, in detail that is. Here are the things I have worked on so far. The title is Midnight Whispers. The is a permanent one thanks to my Twitter friends.

Here is the logo for my main male character's business, Thegrot Security. The do a wide variety of services from home security systems to secret body guards, internet security and child recovery. 

The logo was created at Free Logo Design.

They have many vehicles but he one below is the most used. All are bullet resistant and have several features of protection. 

Yes I have done tons of prepping this year. I still can't believe I've done so much. 

Next up is Elyan's (main male character) personal vehicle and yes it's a typical guy car. Porsche 718 S.

You want to know how I found them? Well, I went to the car websites and built them. This means I customized everything and have every detail about each car. Now if I need to describe the stereo system I have it. It was kind of fun. It was easy since I'm a car girl.

On top of all that research I have done I have worked on my Scrivener. I have all the characters so far, their DOB's and a few have cars and habits. I still have far to go with their bios but that usually comes as I write. I never know what their favorite food, music, etc. until I get to know them a bit. My 2 main characters have a bit more than the supporting ones have. Adding to that I have places and their descriptions of the exterior and interior. I have the security firm, strip club, bar & grill, a popular local bar, a pizza place, the hospital where my main female character works and her apartment. I'm working on my main male character's home now.  Here's what it looks like now.

This is the first time I captured Scrivener with the inspector open. As you can see I have my main characters set as photos instead of a words. This help if I need a quick reminder of their appearance while writing. When I come across a picture I find I like for the other characters I'll do the same thing.

Another aspect of Scrivener I normally don't look at or use is the Outline section. This year for NaNoWriMo I started to and I think it helped a tiny bit. Look and see. Yes I'm sharing my outline, at least what I have so far. You also see how short my scene splits are. I use each one for a single event such as meeting, seeing or an interaction. I haven't met anyone that does it besides me, not that others don't. Each scene section can be anywhere from 500 words to 3000 words. I also split them into each character scene. Say Elyan sees Caitlyn and his emotions are described the next one could be Caitlyn feeling him watching her and her fear.

My Aeon Timeline is started as well. I have the first 2 events in it and the beginning of the species creation. All the characters are entered with dates of birth; making it easy to see their age in each event. With the places in there it helps with keeping track of where everyone goes and how much. You can see below, the ages of Elyan and Caitlyn when the events occur. 

I have finally found out how to use the length of time per event. This has been a wonderful option. I now know how long it takes a character to get home from work or how long they stay at a place. Here is an example of using the duration option. In the inspector to the right of the picture you see the options.

I thought about using Scapple with this project but I can't seem to get at it. I used it for another project but I don't think I'll use it for this one.

Another thing I'm doing for NaNoWriMo is making a menu and shopping list. Here's what I'll be making:

Beef fajitas (crock pot freezer meal)
Sweet-n-sour chicken (crock pot freezer meal)
Meatloaf
Spaghetti
Beef stew (crock pot freezer meal)
Sub sandmiches
Chicken-n-dumplings (homemade)
Flank steak (crock pot freezer meal)
Mongolian beef (crock pot freezer meal)
Tacos
Salads
Roasted veggies

Now for snackies:

Rice Krispie treats with chocolate frosting
Spinach/artichoke dip
Reese's peanut butter cups
Kit-Kats
A bunch of different chips
Chocolate chip cheese cake
Homemade cookies

So, preparing for NaNoWriMo isn't just preparing for writing. I love getting food all ready on the 3rd of the month.  I'll write all day on the 1st, grocery shop on the 2nd & prep food on the 3rd. I'll have all freezer meals done, snacks prepped and cook up taco meat & spaghetti meat. Dicing all veggies for everything... this make tacos easy, just heat up the meat and toss the pre-cut veggies on. The same go for the salads. I'll end up cutting 12 peppers (different colors), onions, tomatoes, cauliflower, broccoli, and anything else needed. Before you ask, yes I do this every month. It makes parenting life easy. Just pull out what you want the night before and toss it into the crock pot in the morning. Sometimes my daughter will do it both. 

If you want ideas for freezer meals search Pinterest. I have tone of them on my boards.

Prep-Tober Time!

What is prep-tober you ask. It's the October which is the month to prepare for November's NaNoWriMo (50,000 words in 30 days). This means I will be setting up my NaNo project, researching and planning all kinds of other crap. It's also Breast Cancer Awareness Month, which my mom died from breast cancer. So, STRESS is going to be high. Then add in kiddo-2's issues and kiddo-1 constantly getting hurt by accident (torn ACL, car accident & spraining his ankle). I'm gonna split up each issue in this post.

Prep-Tober

I have begun to get my characters in order with names, DOB's, likes, dislikes, etc. Aeon Timeline is started as well. I have the start of my species and DOB's put in as well as the start point of the story.  Next step is to set up my Scapple mind-mapping.
This story is going to be about non-sparkling vampires and shifters mixing with humans. Always fun. I'm not really sure how the species are going to mingle but they will at some point. Since I'm a pantser (non-planner), I never know where the characters will take me in the end. I know there will be certain humans that can mate and have offspring to each species. How this will happen or how they know is still lost on me.
Working title is  'Midnight Whispers'. My main characters are Abigail (human) & Elyan (vampire). Elyan owns and runs a security firm named 'Trinity Security'. His business hires only the best: shifters, military, NSA, CIA, FBI, and martial arts experts to train. Abigail is a labor & delivery nurse at the major hospital. She works 40-80 hours a week and has little time for anything outside work. Elyan becomes infatuated with Abigail. She's leery about him, of course.

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month!

My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when she was 36. I was 18 and didn't know what was really happening because she hid most of it from me. I knew she was having chemo but she had no side-effects. 9 years and 9 months after she was deemed in remission it struck again. They hadn't put it in total remission, it spreed to her liver and brain. I split from my husband at the time, moved in with her, her husband and my 2 kiddos. My son was 5 and my daughter almost 1. My step-father worked, I went to school and took care of my mom's appointments and treatment. After a year, the cancer was so wide-spreed in her brain the chemo would do nothing and radiation wasn't working. Mom decided to stop treatments. Even though it killed me, I supported her choice. It only took 3 months for her to pass. I kept her home until  a few days before her birthday, which was Nov. 14th. We put her in a hospice type long term care. 2 weeks later, the day after Thanksgiving she passed. Exactly 2 weeks after her 47th birthday. 

Since I was 29 I had to wait a year before my insurance allowed mammograms. I have had them once a year for 14 years now. A few years they had me doing them every 6 months. This means I've had 18 mammograms before I was 41. I have been finally cleared to go 18 months between, unless they find something. I have many fibroids that it makes it difficult to read the mammograms.

PLEASE get your boobs squished. 

Recommendation is 1st mammogram  at 40 and every 2-5 years after that. I have breast cancer on both sides of my family tree so I'm at higher risk. My daughter will be getting her 1st one at age 20, this is because my mother was so young when she first had hers and my daughter tested positive for the inherited gene as I have. We have also been told to get pap smears yearly since there is a higher chance of us getting ovarian or cervical cancer. 

Stress

My daughter thinks she's 'in love'  with a boy that's 20 and she's only 15. He's been convicted of  a class D felony and is facing charges for a class C felony. It's illegal for them to have sex, though they have admitted they had sex last November, which means she was only 14 at the time. There is nothing I can do to keep them apart unless I catch them having sex or she tries to run away with him. Though today she has told me that she wants to go out for the drill team and help out at the largest haunted house in Iowa. She's worked the haunted house for the past several years. Her counselor says her getting involved with these activities might help her stay away from the boy. Since he is out for preliminary, meaning he is under house-arrest. He has no phone nor internet so there will be no contact, but I worry all the same.

My son, 20 years old, has had a hard year bringing me down with him. April 30th he tore his ACL playing basketball, July 21st he was in a major car accident, and now he sprained his ankle playing basketball. He was off work for awhile, I bought food and helped him out with getting his bills paid. He's bipolar and non-medicated at the moment. Imagine 2 bipolar people in the same place for long periods at time, especial when they usually set each other off. Yes, I take my meds daily as ordered but he doesn't. It sets off my anxiety and a depressive mood. It took me a week, a full week, to get dishes done. I'm hoping that now things have settled down and he's back to work I'll be able to get back on track.

Another stress is that my disability hearing should be coming up in the next few months and I'm worried that they will find some reason to deny me again. I haven't been able to work for almost 10 years now. Add to that we have a unit by unit inspection for house cleaning in a few weeks.

That's what's going on. I'm handling it much better than I thought I would. Many are impressed that I haven't hurt anyone yet. Today I managed to get most of the kitchen clean and yesterday I cleaned my room. It's progress and I'll take it. Every accomplishment is an achievement. Bipolar, depression and anxiety is a day to day, minute to minute living. 

Another Loss

Yesterday I lost another great woman in my life. Leone was a second grandma to me since I was old enough to remember. I played with her granddaughter & grandson all the time.

Every time I was in her house I felt the love and acceptance. Leone never judged and always forgave no matter what.

I remember her making homemade play dough when we were bored, teaching us to bake all kinds of cookies. She taught me tons of gardening tips and ideas. I learned most of the names of flowers that would grow well here in Iowa.

I'm going to miss the welcome smile and hug I got every time I walked in her door. I'll miss stopping by when my mom passed and Leone held me while I cried for hours. She made me feel loved and helped me move past my loss when everyone else told me to 'get over it'.

She was the rock in her family and all that knew her.

Leone lived a long life full of love and family. Countless grandchildren, great-grandchildren, even great-great-grandchildren. All she ever wanted for us is to have happy lives. I have that in aspects to family.

She never spent much time with my kids, but always wanted pictures and she got them of both my kids every time they had new ones taken. Anytime I had new pictures of us she was the first to get them then my own small family.

My heart aches and tears have fallen but in my heart I know she is at peace and pain free. This gives me joy.

I will not attend her funeral because of the hundreds of people that will be there to celebrate her life. I just can't handle it. The thought I won't be there hurts me. So, today I am taking a break from social media and spending time with my kids.

My Leone rest in peace and all who knew who understand her life was fulfilled and it was her time.

I love you  grandma Leone.

Preparing for NaNoWriMo 2017

What is NaNoWriMo you ask...

NaNoWriMo is short for National Novel Writing Month.

"National Novel Writing Month is also a 501(c)(3) nonprofit (formerly known as the Office of Letters and Light) that believes your story matters.

Our Mission Statement

National Novel Writing Month believes in the transformational power of creativity. We provide the structure, community, and encouragement to help people find their voices, achieve creative goals, and build new worlds—on and off the page." {©www.nanowrimo.com }

Basically, it's 30 days of writing with the goal of 50,000 words. Yes, it sounds extreme but it has been fun and exciting every year I have done it. The first year was the hardest, I had several setbacks because I ended up deleting words, a no-no for NaNoWriMo. Sounds harsh? Not at all. The objective is to write 50,000 words no matter how beautiful or horrid they are. Making it great is what edits are for. Once I figured that out I have had no issues.

This year is the 1st year that I have started before the end of October. I have no idea why I'm prepping now other than I the research will take forever. I had to chose a city that I have never been to; which means I have to get maps. Of course, online ones suck. I'd have to have a monitor that's at least 50 inch screen to see it all at once. Right now I'm waiting on North Carolina's Travel & Tourism to mail maps, historical places and fun things to do there. Once I have them I can get my homes & places in order. I have already found out the crime rates in every areas of the city and the population influx during the school year.

The basics are almost done....

☑ Main character names (Elyan & Abigail)
☑ Character personalities 
☑ Plots figured out 
☐ Plot twists
☐ History of species
☑ How they contract the virus
☐ Plot twist
☑ Tattoos and birthmarks figured out and drawn

I know I'm forgetting a few but those are the main ones for the writing.

These are much easier since they are household prep.

☐ Menus for November
☐ Grocery list for November
☑ Cleaning list for October
☑ List of snacks for the weekends

There that's how I usually prep in October. Starting it now is difficult but I think necessary since I have decided the city. That and since my bipolar & anxiety is acting up and I can't leave my apartment without issues. It gives me something to do. That all means that I have tons of time on my hands to get everything done. 

Once the maps get here I'll get them laminated so I can use dry erase markers to mark things. Maybe I'll laminate all the info I get so it'll stand the test of time. I've even researched places that laminate so I can get it done cheap since I have no money. 

Middle of July

CampNaNoWriMo July edition is half over and I have already reached my goals. The sad thing is that it'll all get archived and forgotten, probably for years. It sucks, I hate it but at least I got words down. With that said I have come up with a novella series and I'm working on it. This series will out of my norm cause it's not about shifters but non-sparkly vampires. They will be fast paced and of course have naughty-naughty scenes. I might even self-publish these before I do anything else. Yes, I haven't published anything yet, truth be told only 1 person has read my works. Though it is understandable with my anxiety and OCD (obsessive compulsion disorder). I hyper-ventilate just thinking about someone reading my stuff.
So far the main characters are named; banana, orange and plum. I haven't found a name that fits their personality yet.

SO, with all that said, why do I write?

Well, I started out writing for my daughter and to keep me busy without a job or internet. Kiddo-2 read Twilight in kindergarten. By the time she was in 2nd grade there were almost no books she could read that didn't have sex in it. I wrote and wrote for over a year and ended up with over 180k words. Once I started reading more I found a new genre to write and with a lot of sex. I've gone back over my 1st work and it'll take tons of editing. Too many main characters and their situations. I just haven't found a way to split it up since it all happens at the same time and I love my characters.
My adult characters are keeping me fairly sane and it's the reason why I am still writing. Like I've said before writing is a thing therapists suggest for certain things. For  me, it helps. I have met others it doesn't work.

Update on Kids

Kiddo-2 is spending time with grandma and hasn't been too bad. She calls every day and we talk. We have agreed she has to  spend a weekend home this month and she chose the last one of course. I talked to her supposed-ex-boy-friend and jumped his shit for what he did while kiddo-2 was hiding. She is going to therapy and talking to the behavioral therapist as well. She really wants to come home and be the girl I knew before this last November.

Kiddo-1 has just begun to kiss my butt. After over a month he decides he needs his mommy. Yep, I knew it was coming. He has apologized for causing trouble and of course he needed help buying food. Yes, I've helped him a tiny bit but nowhere near as much as I did before everything happened.  I have split feelings about him being in my life. I love him, there is no question in that. I just don't know if I can trust him. I'll make an effort to keep him in my life as long as he continues on his current choice. He has admitted that his un-medicated bipolar played a part in the whole situation. This was something I already knew but for him to admit it was a huge step. He has set up an appointment for the end of the month to get back on meds. I'm not holding my breath that he'll take the pills but I can hope.

Disability- Money-Bills

My disability claim should be going to court in the next couple of months. I know I'll end up getting it but it is stressful. I check my e-mail several times a day hoping that my attorney has sent me a date for court. I wish it had already been approved since the system messed up my paperwork for state assistance for the 3rd time in the last 18 months. I usually get the money on the 1st of every month but for July I haven't received anything yet and won't until the 24th. Luckily my ex-MIL helped out with bills. I'll pay her back when I get the money. I'm hoping soon this crap will be done with and I won't have to worry about the paperwork every 3 months.

Neighbors

This apartment complex sucks ass. I have an anxiety attack every time I have to take out my trash or check the mail. I have been waiting until dark to do either. Though this last week I sat outside with 1 neighbor and her kids... well kiddo-1 was out there too. Staying inside cause of idiots isn't healthy but soon I'll be able to afford a different place. I try and go over to one neighbors once a week for a bit and have kept to it for 5 weeks.

I am not a doctor or therapist, seek a medical professional if you have thoughts of suicide, homicide, or any other health issues. My words should not replace a professional's advice.

Only a few days left until CampNaNoWriMo July Edition starts and I'm almost bouncing out of my chair every day. So many thoughts running through my mind. I can't wait to start writing. With things mostly settled here at home with the kiddo I'm all ready. I just have to get everything set up and I'm on my way....
Started setting up Scrivener....

Next up will be putting in character bios from my notebook. This will be unusual cause I almost put it all in Scrivener as I think of it.


So, here is what I have so far.........
Nya is 18 and just of age for mating. She has been kept in isolation once the Triad learned she was to mate an Alpha.
Elyan an Alpha of many centuries of age has to learn to deal with a little scared mate and try to keep control over his territory from 2 fronts.
What will happen is not yet known but it should be exciting to get to the end.

Now, as for the home front. Kiddo-2 has returned home and we found out that her brother and my father had her scared to come home because they said I was going to kill her for not being home. We have worked things out and for the most part things are back to normal.

Okay so this post is really short.

Mental Illness & Parenting

Parenting is hard enough, then you toss in mental illnesses with both mother and children . It's a storm waiting to happen, which it has hit this last 6 weeks.
As a mother of a 20 year old son & a 15 year old daughter I have instilled honesty, loyalty, faith in others, respect for elders and officers of the law. Or so I thought. 5 weeks ago my son ripped his ACL. I dropped everything for 4 weeks; making sure he made his appointments, waited through his surgery, paid his bills (his money) and drove him 60 miles round trip almost every day for work. This messed with MY medication schedule a little. NOT a good thing when it must be exact. Being around him was hard too; he hasn't taken his medication for over 3 years and he tends to set my anger off quickly. I kept it under control 98% of the time. Yes, I snapped at him for forgetting his pain med schedule and not being ready to leave on time. I had to increase one medication to keep under control ; which I gladly did. It worked until week 4.
I found out my daughter had been staying at her boyfriend's house every weekend instead of her step-sister's. She's 15 and he is 20. Yes, they told me they had sex a few times back in November. I was upset but since they were honest and agreed not to do it again until she turned 16 in December I allowed the relationship to continue under adult supervision. I'm regretting that now. I yelled, yes yelled at them and grounded my daughter from data on her phone. Then her boyfriend told me she hadn't been taking her meds. She was so pissed that she got my dad and son believing that I beat her and said I was going to kill her. My dad and son had me committed to the psychiatric ward for a 48 hour hold saying I wasn't taking my meds and I was a threat to everyone, then the judge dismissed the case since my medication levels were perfect for what I was taking. They were not happy. My dad said "If you hurt her I'll hunt you down." While I was locked up, they called DHS (Department of Human Services... known to most as CPS and Social Services). They night of court a worker came by, the same one I talked to in September about my daughter's father). She asked the usual questions and said she needed to talk to my daughter. It took 2 weeks to get a hold of her. In this time the police said she was with my father. Come to find out she was staying with her boyfriend. DHS was not happy. They are pressing statutory rape charges against the boyfriend and custodial interference against my father and son. I'm good with it all. They need to understand that they must follow the law. My daughter will be home Monday after DHS picks her after Driver's Ed classes. She will be restricted to my house for 4 weeks. There will be no more contact with my father and son for her. I love my DHS worker, Stacy. She has been my rock through this. She has said that if all her clients were like me, doing everything needed and then some, her job would be much easier. Since I have nothing to hide I told her everything, even that I yelled at the kids, and allowed her to talk to my friends, the few I have. After she finally talked to my daughter, son and father; she told me that they were all lying and my daughter would be brought home. My stress level dropped 75% and my shrink decided I could lower one of my meds just a little bit, from 450mg to 425mg.

With all that said, my writing has suffered. I haven't written a thing since all this started. CampNaNoWriMo starts July 1st. I'm gonna push myself to get back into it. Though instead of my normal 50k goal it's only 25k. I'm not sure I can do it but I'll try. As  punishment my daughter will be doing it right along with me but with a lower goal, probably 10k. She loves to write but doesn't much. I'm hoping the experience will strengthen our relationship. I have also set times for playing cards and just talking.

I have been re-reading Sookie Stackhouse:Southern Vampire (aka True Blood) and it calms me a bit.

SO, if you have a mental illness that needs medication and something in your life changes, please talk to you doctors. Changing dosages and added another med for a short time may help. If your and your child(children) have mental illnesses remember you can set each other off.

Mental Illness Sucks

Living with bipolar and anxiety or any mental illness isn't easy.

I am diagnosed with mild OCD (obsessive control disorder), severe anxiety and bipolar disorder. I am not suicidal but homicidal. I have urges to kill or mangle people that have caused rage. I have never acted on these feelings but probably would if I wasn't medicated.

I have been told that I'm lazy and not worth a thing since I can't or refuse to work. It's all in my head and I should just get over it. Mental illness is not something many people without it understand. So here is how my days are.

I get up at around 9am and take four medication Lamitctal, Clonidine, Zyrtec, Naproxen, 2 for bipolar 1 for allergies and 1 for pain. I sit and make a list of what I am to do that day. I have never completed a list, most items are basic household cleaning like shower, dishes and vacuuming. I stare at my computer screen not focusing on whatever Netflix show I'm re-watching for the 100th time. Between noon and 3pm I force myself to make something to eat, usually a mile high salad. Salads are my go to fast making meal. Kiddo-2 gets home and does homework. Once she's done she goes out until 10pm. That means I am alone for dinner every night. When she leaves I try to make it to the shower but usually only take a fast bath, not washing my hair. Washing hair seems like it will take too long, though it's about a 3 minute task. So, it's back to staring at Netflix thinking how useless I am. This increases my anxiety because I know I need to do something and just can't.  At 9pm I take 4 more medications, Clonidine, Montelluska, birth control & Naproxen. I then take 3 more bipolar and anxiety medications, Primidone, Keppra & Quetiapine at 10pm. While I wait for the last to kick in I fix my bed for sleep and turn on my fan. Between 11pm - 12am I finally get to go to bed.

When I HAVE to leave the house (even to check the mail), I have to take 2 PRNs, Saphris and migraine one (emergency medications if you don't know). My body shakes and the cold sweats kick in. When my kiddo-1 or my ex-mother-in-law take me somewhere the ride is much less stressful. Shopping once a month for groceries and household stuff is all I can manage. I have passed out at the store because too many people are in the isle or I've passed too many of them. Checking out the cold sweats hit more, usually cause there are too many people around and I'm freaking out that I forgot something. Most times I have someone take everything out to the vehicle so I can either sit down on the ground or smoke a cigarette, many times both. In the winter I have found myself on the ground in the snow. When I get home, kiddo-1 carries everything in and I put only cold stuff away. I'm so exhausted from the mood swings and anxiety I can't do anything else.
The day after shopping I cut, dice and chop all veggies (peppers, onions, mushrooms, celery, carrots and whatever else I bought). This is for the purpose of making it easier to toss food together so I don't have an anxiety attack because I have to cook. If I'm doing well or in a manic state (a state where I can't sleep and have to keep moving (cleaning OCD mostly), I brown hamburger with garlic & onion for spaghetti, goulash and things like that. I also cook up taco meat to freeze. Freezing these makes it fast to cook cause cooking hamburger takes so long. If I'm in an extreme manic state I toss together freezer meals. Check out my Pinterest (link is to the right) under crock pot meals & freezer meals for ideas. That's shopping week.

When I have a stable day I write or read. Sometimes I can get 4-7 days of this and I love it. However, I still have issues being around people. I force myself to visit 1 neighbor for an hour a week. Yes, I take a PRN before I walk out the door. This neighbor has 3 kids ages 11, 8 & 6. The 6 year old loves to give me hugs, his hugs relieve some anxiety and they are the best. Every time he sees me he runs over and hugs me. The best feeling ever.
My writing is usually paranormal, fantasy, romance. It's a therapy technique that therapists try with their patience. Ha! I started this long before therapy. It helps more than therapy. When I write I can go into a manic state and write for hours. It goes with reading as well. I HAVE to read an entire series before I can stop.

How my therapy goes...
I go in and sit down. Tell her everything that has pissed me off since my last visit and then we take about recipes. What the hell does that have to do with overcoming anxiety and my rage episodes? 35 minutes from walking into her office I leave. Yes I feel better until I see people in the waiting room and everything floods back into my mind.

Psychiatrist visits go like this...
I go in a bad mood. Get my weight and blood pressure (usually fine except weight). I talk to my shrink about my medications. She doesn't pressure me into anything. I'm usually the one that says I need something more or think I can drop something. She knows I know my body and brain better than her. I also know 90% of my triggers. This last visit she said I need to see all her patience and teach them how they need to stay on medications and log emotions, moods and thoughts until they find their triggers.  With this last visit I requested to go back on Keppra, I use it for sleep and to kill my uncontrollable thoughts. I had gone 3 nights with only 2 hours of sleep a night. My shrink allows me to tweek my medications depending on my moods as long as I let her know right away.

Many with bipolar disorders have several weeks or months of the same mood. In my case I have an extreme rapid cycling. I can go from depressed to rage and back in seconds. Going from manic to depressed is harder and takes longer to come down from it. Most times when I'm in a manic state I take an extra medication. My rage episodes can NOT be controlled. I have punched a supervisor, thrown stuff at a boss and just walked out of a job. The boss I threw stuff at was also bipolar but not diagnosed. Many times I flip it's caused by others and their moods. My friend has a mentally challenged boy that can set me off if he's in a bad mood.

Knowing your triggers is  great way to help control situations. My mood triggers are, the sociopath child that lives downstairs, bad news, kiddos not doing as told, kiddo-1 being around too much (he's un-medicated bipolar), stress about bills or money in general. My rage triggers have been unpredictable the last 2 years. My anxiety triggers are people, any people. Usually more than 1 I know being around.

How does all this effect my life?
I can't go out with friends, work, shop much, socialize, spend time outside, spend time with family and enjoy what used to be the best day of the week. I have not been to a holiday with family in 6 years. Saturdays I used to play cards with three friends but it has gotten to the point I can't. I am also able to diagnose many with mental issues and found the right medications for them. I have studied mental illness for 35 years.

Having a relationship with a significant other is usually a disaster and short lived. I'm lucky that I have a man that has been in my life since I was very little. We spend time together on weekends & have for a few years now. There are times I tell him he needs to leave and he understands. We have no delusions of what we have. Yes, he would love to live with my and my kid, support us and make sure we live well off. He also knows that I can't do that. I need to be able to be by myself when my mood needs it.

Food and Writing

Food and writing are the two things authors & I love. This post is going to have tons of food pictures and recipes if ones are needed; along with my writing stuff.

So lets start off with the fact that CampNaNoWriMo is in full swing. I m 3 days ahead right now. Though this weekend will be slow writing.  Below is my project stats. WIP- Nessa is coming out of her shell as the novel continues; however, Marrick is lost. Typical male!

 As I take breaks from writing I have been using my birthday presents my kiddo-2 and her boyfriend gave me. Check it out. I'm loving it! Coloring keeps my mind calm when it won't focus on words.

 Now for the food part. Here are my writing and Netflix snacks. Cauliflower, carrots and ranch dip. Then there is the store bought fresh crab stuffed mushrooms.

Since kiddo-2 isn't home much because of school and friends I have been eating salads and omelets. 

Lettuce, tomatoes, red onion, diced ham, blue cheese crumbles and colby/jack cheese.

No blue cheese crumbles :(

Omelet- green peppers, diced ham, red onion, orange peppers & colby/jack cheese

When kiddo-2 is feeling off or is sick we make homemade chicken noodle soup. Doesn't it look yummy? 

 Homemade Chicken Noodle Soup Recipe
4-6 Chicken hind quarters
Chopped carrots
2 Chopped or diced onions
Fresh Basil (2-3 TBsp)
2 TBsp oregano
3-4 cloves of garlic (minced)
3 cups chicken broth
2 stalks of celery (chopped)

In huge pot put the chicken, spices and veggies in. Cover with water. Bring to a boil. Simmer for 3-4 hours adding water if chicken isn't covered.  After that add in the broth. Simmer for another 2 hours.

Noodles
Click here for recipe

Serve hot. Store leftovers in frig. Freezes well too.

Before I go off to my writing cave I'll show you a new picture of me...

April Is Almost Here

This post will be split into 2 parts. One about me and 1 about CampNaNoWriMo.

My past few weeks have sucked. Kiddo-2 (15 yrs old) has decided she can miss curfew and not get punished. HA! Lets just say that I haven't had to clean anything in 2 weeks. She has been doing dishes, sweeping, vacuuming, mopping and dusting. Oh and her boyfriend takes out the trash!
My Kiddo-1 (19yr old) still hasn't figured out his budget so he has food in his house. Every day he walks from the other apartment building asking for something... Last night it was 2 slices of cheese and the use of my microwave to thaw meat because he forgot to take it out of the freezer. Being that I'm on a strict budget myself I have been out of bread and eggs for a week but yet he can't buy them for me. I added it up for this month, I have spent $59.29 on his food. Two days ago he said, "You don't do anything for me, why should I take you to the pharmacy?"
With all this going on, my bipolar seems to be fairly stable. No major rage episodes nor depression. Though the depression has subsided since Kiddo-2 is cleaning. My anxiety has been a little high still. I can't go outside unless I know who is out there or it's late at night so I don't have to deal with a ton of people in the store. I have even spent 3 hours 1 night a week at the neighbors just hanging out. She has 3 kids and watches 2 others. It doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would or as much as it has in the past.

CampNaNoWriMo
Camp starts on April 1st and I am ready. I can't wait to start the next novel that has been plaguing my thoughts and dreams for the last month. I have things all set up with my programs. Aeon Timeline and Scrivener are all ready to go! No I just have to wait until 12:00am April 1st.
Writing is going to keep me grounded and calm over the next month. It's one of the things I love about it, that and I get to tell a story and write about hot, sweaty, sexy, naked men.

Getting Ready for April

April....
This is the month that I'm busy as hell. First I'll be 42 on the 7th. The rest are annual physicals, dental visits, therapy, med checks, CampNaNoWriMo and of course 'Spring Cleaning'.

On the 1st I will start working on my WIP-9 (aka Love of Nessa) for CampNaNo. Camp is a bit different than November's NaNo. Camp you get tossed into 'cabins' where you meet new writers and encourage each other. Also, you can set your own word count goal. This year mine is 35,000 words. That should finish Love of Nessa.
Nessa is a frightened young female. She has been sheltered and told she is nothing all her life. As her 19th birthday approaches she is handed over to an Alpha to be his mate. Dante, the Alpha, is ancient, though his heritage makes him look only 30. They have to find a way to live with each other, not to mention the war that is brewing. 
Usually Camp Cabins are quiet, last Camp I had a very active group and loved it. Sign up (campnanowrimo.org) and have fun...

My birthday will just like any other day...
I will sleep, take meds, eat and write. Maybe some Netflix in there too. I won't get presents just left alone for the weekend. Which is preferred. I'll cook slow cooker meals and wait til the Sunday for kiddo-2 to do the dishes.

Spring Cleaning will consist of washing windows, wiping baseboards, hand scrubbing the floors, vacuuming furniture & beds, and of course cleaning out pantry, frig and freezer.
The frig & freezer should be fairly easy since I keep up on it every month. The pantry however is only done in the spring. That might take hours. Good thing I can set up a card table to pull everything out, check dates, pitch old stuff and wipe shelves down.

My reading selection will probably be Jacquelyn Frank's Nightwalkers series and Katie Reus's Red Stone Security series.
Nightwalkers is a series about earth based demons that really aren't demons the way most think.
Red Stone Security is not my normal because it is not paranormal. It's a mystery romance.
Both will be re-reads. I re-read many of my favorite series a lot. Look to the right column for a list of the favorite ones I can read a hundred times over. You might like some of them.

Hi Ho Hi Ho- Back to Writing I Go

An update on my health....I am cancer free and can wait 1 year rather than 6 months for paps & mammograms. If you don't get regular check-ups and cancer screenings PLEASE do! They can save your life.

Writing is a distraction and coping tool for my bipolar and anxiety. Writing places in my world and it's less stressful there. Though it can be stressful if you are struggling with the plots, characters and many other things. Over the last week I have noticed a change in my behavior and moods. They have been better.
I have jumped back into my writing. I started 'Love of Nessa' (might change title) this last week. I have been writing every day and a few of them I wrote over 1500 words when my goal is 500.
I'm trying out Scapple, a mind mapping program. Never really plotted my stories and I doubt I'm using it the way I should. Instead of plotting the stories I'm plotting character bios and relationships. I tried plotting on it and I don't know if I like it yet. Maybe. Here are tow pictures of my mapping...

Character Mapping

Plot Mapping

Today, before I write with @FriNightWrites I am updating my Scrivener with the characters. It might take some time but I have a few hours. Here's a picture of it so far...

Scrivener for 'Love Of Nessa'

I now have to find character inspiration pictures on Pinterest and the web. That's my goal, to have all characters' picture done.

As you can see I'm doing better and writing is the key to keeping it that way. 

Here's a look at 'Love Of Nessa':

Nessa is a meek uneducated female wolf shifter. She is handed over to mate an Alpha and it scares her. Through the first few chapters she struggles with her new role and fights it some of the time. Her mate has his own struggles... An Alpha that shares a property line starts sabotaging the pack and will end up starting a war (something that hasn't happened in over three centuries).

That's all I got so far.

Politics & Life

I usually never vent my political views online but today I must. Confirming DeVos was one of the worst things the Senate could have done. No experience in education and ideas that will cost billions that could go to improve what we have and what every school district is trying to do. Charter Schools and vouchers are not the solution.
DeVos's kids went/go to private charter schools, has she ever stepped foot into a public school? Yes many of our schools need help. I'm lucky I live in a district that is great. My son did poorly in the previous district and went from D's & F's to B's. He graduated with a 3.4 GPA. My daughter will graduate high school with 12 college credits if she doesn't graduate early. Though she might stay her 4 years just so the district pays for he college classes. Her GPA has always been 3.9 to 4.0. We are a small town and if DeVos gets her way we would have to consolidate with at least 1 other district, That would put the classrooms at 30+ kids unlike now with maybe 15. That gives less time per student with the teacher.  How is that better?
I have know Senator Charles Grassley for 37 years. I grew up with his grandchildren. He may not remember me or my family, but I don't care right now. I thought he had my views on DeVos, but today he voted 'YES'. I am disappointed and enraged. He is the longest sitting senator in history, he needs to retire because I think he is loosing his mind. My grandmother supported and work with his campaign for years in the early days. It's what got me well educated in politics. She's been gone form this earth for 11 years. If she were here today she would have a heart attack. She was a die-hard republican but this last year would have killed her. Grassley would have had many lectures from her. I intend to give him at least 2 once he is home in New Hartford, IA.
If Grassley does not retire after this term and runs again, I will switch sides. I will campaign against him and let out secrets that I overheard as a child.
Another Iowa senator votes 'YES' as well. She is not my district senator but I will make it hard for her re-election as well.
I have always been an Independent voter, if I had to choose between Republican and Democrat I'd go Democrat all the way.
This country was founded on freedom, corporations have no right to take over the Government and that is what is happening. The seven countries Trump has authorized passengers to be detained are seven he has no business ties to. The countries that are the most threat are not included, which can only mean and has been fact checked to be true, are the ones he has business ties to. Trump has violated the Constitution and the Bill of Rights. Then add in he refusal to cut ALL ties to his businesses he is going to get us all killed.  North Korea, China & Japan are going to be the first countries to strike against us. WWIII will happen.
I am well adverse in most mental conditions. Trump shows signs of being a narcissistic, bipolar sociopath.
Controlling the media, as he tries to do, will not be tolerated for long and all his mouth is going to get him is a swift departure from this world. Either someone in the US will assassinate him of a country will take him out. One way we all die of WMDs (weapons of mass destruction) and the other our country will be able to recover this mess Trump put us in.
Here is a link to the senate vote on DeVos courtesy of 'The New York Times' See what your senator voted.
The next step is to food your senator and congressman with calls & letters to start the process of impeachment. That is if you want our country to be what the founders wanted it to be.
Over the past several months I have noticed a change in my moods and behavior despite my medication. I have had to switch it around a bit because of all this destruction of our country.
P.S. Hello Secret Service and Homeland Security... I made no threats just used my freedom of speech! Bite me! If you feel I'm a threat you are more than welcome to visit me any time. Just be prepared, I'm an OCD bipolar with rage issues and I don't take my medication before 9am CST. I have been told I am not responsible for my actions until my medication has been in my system for 40 minutes. So, if you want to visit best be after 10am CST. Enjoy your President! I don't.

First Post of The Year

The last several months have been hell on earth in my life. I have made progress in coping with everything.

Anxiety level dropped yesterday when I found out the cysts in my breasts are just that and not cancer 🙌. The thought of cancer had me shaking and anxious for the last 4 months.

Money 💰is still an issue since my hearing for disability isn't for at least another 6 months. The process is long and dragged out but I understand. I know many people that have tried to get it and are able to work. The process saves tax payers money and keeps lazy people off of it. There it is the word 'lazy'. The last few months I have been called that for not working. HA! If I could work I would. There are days I wish my illnesses away just so I can get a paycheck I earned. Yes, that's right, I want to work. Doctors tell me it's not possible. My legs keep swelling, my arthritis is in more joints than before, my anger & rage is not always under control & my anxiety around people is worse. The pain of it every day gets worse but I manage. I could work, my opinion, not the doctors. If I even try to get a job it's blocked by several of my doctors. Then you have the people that say 'why didn't you fight it before now?' Well, I didn't have enough wrong with me to fight with appeals and that would have made it impossible to apply for disability until 2019.

Enough of that. My writing has been slow and a chore. Today is the first day since Nov. 20th 2016 that I have been able to write and I can see my skills are a little slacking. I'm going to push myself to write tonight and every day for the next 30 days. I want to write at least 500 words a day. In preparation today I set up my faithful Aeon Timeline 2© for the new story-line and I have many ideas written down in a notebook📒. Scrivener© is set up as well. Now all I need to do is put those notes into a story. Easier said than done. My mind won't focus for long periods of time and the words don't seem to come. I can picture the scenes in my head but the words are lost. Here is what I know:

• How the species🐺 began
• First 18 chapters of characters
• When it starts (2011)
• Ages of characters (18-20,000+yrs old)
• What is happening in the first 2 chapters
• The species' history
• Laws
• Hierarchy

What I need to know:

• Professions of characters
• Likes & dislikes of characters
• Ceremonies' process

Once I have that I should be able to write it without many issues. Though my mind keeps jumping back to the previous series I was working on. This new one has no connection to that series and is making it hard.