Why? Why? Why?

Today I was sitting here and found out I have many questions about many things. Most start with "Why?", now I've found some answers. I'm going to express them here.

Why do people think PTSD reactions are only caused by loud noises?
      Most think of only veterans and war. The form of PTSD I have is from extreme abuse in my childhood. I suffer from PTSD and most noises don't trigger a reaction. Mine is more certain words and smells, though the neighbor brats slamming the doors all the time have been making me jumpy. Another thing some people don't know, night terrors are a form of PTSD. This is my main issue, after 20 years without them, they popped back into my life. I have went 10 years without symptoms, you never completely recover from PTSD. It can spring up and surprise you at any time.

Why do people think I'm lazy?
     This is pretty easy to answer. I have increasing anxiety, bipolar, rage issues, PTSD and some physical troubles. I can't do much of anything, even checking the mail and running to get milk is hard. I haven't been like this all my life, I've worked 30-50 hours a week for years, raised 2 kids (running them, shopping), and if I could I would work. I hate staying home 24/7. Since the night terrors came back, my anxiety is more easily triggered. My neighbor, Ann, has been wonderful. She and her kids have been getting my mail, running to the store, carry my groceries, visit me, and take my trash out. I only have to leave the house for appointments. If this makes me lazy, then so be it. My damn doctor's refuse to even let me try and work.

Why do teenage girls cause more trouble than teenage boys?
     This I haven't found an answer. My son was the one I thought would cause me trouble, but no. He never got into trouble, always home on time, no drugs, no alcohol, no sex. My daughter on the other hand has been causing so many issues, having sex, lying to, running away and pushing every single one of my buttons. If you have an answer to this please leave a comment.

Why do people have their phones glued to their eyes?
     Not sure about this one. This generation relies on electronic connections, mine didn't. When you wanted to call someone and they weren't home you dealt with it. If you wanted to play games with your friends, you had to go over to their house and ask them, usually playing outside with balls, sticks, rocks, and action figures. Most kids my kids' age don't know how to research without GOOGLE. huh! Mine do, they can use a card catalog, look in books for answers and everything. Damn electronic age!

Why is the sky blue?
     This is a science question. We all know why, but to a kid that's not an answer. My son kept asking why, so I said "Someone named the sky blue." He replied, "Why didn't they make that color purple?" I have no idea why a color is named what they are. Another unknown answer.


Why don't you share your "Why" questions.

The New Year

Today is the first day of the new year. Many are planning on making changes in 2018 & hoping for things to change n the world. No matter what we do 2018 can be a start of something different. I have never done a New Years Resolution but this year I'm going to try.



Writing/Reading

• Write 150 words daily (2017- 250 words)
• CampNaNoWriMo - April & July 25k words each (2017 completed)
• NaNoWriMo- November 50k words (2017 completed)
• Blog at least twice a month
• Goodreads Reading Challenge 100 books (50-100 yearly & make it)

Eating Habits

• Eat healthy with more home-cooked meals (2017- too much pizza & chips)
• Cooking- Make crock-pot freezer meals every month (2017- Only 2 months)
• Drink more homemade fruit infused water (2017- drank too much soda)

Hygiene/ Mental Health

• Take showers every other day (2017- bathed every night but washed hair once a week)
• Take medication every day (2012-2017 completed) Medisafe app helps
• Keep all therapy & shrink appointments (2015-2017 completed)

Cleaning

• Do dishes every day (2017- once or twice a week)
• Vacuum once a week (2017- twice a month)
• Fold laundry when it's done (2017- folded once a month)

As you can see my goals are not to hard for normal people. I'm not normal at all. With bipolar I have a hard time doing things like housework and cleaning. Add to it that when I don't clean for a day I get anxious and have no idea where to start or I start something (like dishes) and never finish them.

Mental Illness & Parenting

Parenting is hard enough, then you toss in mental illnesses with both mother and children . It's a storm waiting to happen, which it has hit this last 6 weeks.
As a mother of a 20 year old son & a 15 year old daughter I have instilled honesty, loyalty, faith in others, respect for elders and officers of the law. Or so I thought. 5 weeks ago my son ripped his ACL. I dropped everything for 4 weeks; making sure he made his appointments, waited through his surgery, paid his bills (his money) and drove him 60 miles round trip almost every day for work. This messed with MY medication schedule a little. NOT a good thing when it must be exact. Being around him was hard too; he hasn't taken his medication for over 3 years and he tends to set my anger off quickly. I kept it under control 98% of the time. Yes, I snapped at him for forgetting his pain med schedule and not being ready to leave on time. I had to increase one medication to keep under control ; which I gladly did. It worked until week 4.
I found out my daughter had been staying at her boyfriend's house every weekend instead of her step-sister's. She's 15 and he is 20. Yes, they told me they had sex a few times back in November. I was upset but since they were honest and agreed not to do it again until she turned 16 in December I allowed the relationship to continue under adult supervision. I'm regretting that now. I yelled, yes yelled at them and grounded my daughter from data on her phone. Then her boyfriend told me she hadn't been taking her meds. She was so pissed that she got my dad and son believing that I beat her and said I was going to kill her. My dad and son had me committed to the psychiatric ward for a 48 hour hold saying I wasn't taking my meds and I was a threat to everyone, then the judge dismissed the case since my medication levels were perfect for what I was taking. They were not happy. My dad said "If you hurt her I'll hunt you down." While I was locked up, they called DHS (Department of Human Services... known to most as CPS and Social Services). They night of court a worker came by, the same one I talked to in September about my daughter's father). She asked the usual questions and said she needed to talk to my daughter. It took 2 weeks to get a hold of her. In this time the police said she was with my father. Come to find out she was staying with her boyfriend. DHS was not happy. They are pressing statutory rape charges against the boyfriend and custodial interference against my father and son. I'm good with it all. They need to understand that they must follow the law. My daughter will be home Monday after DHS picks her after Driver's Ed classes. She will be restricted to my house for 4 weeks. There will be no more contact with my father and son for her. I love my DHS worker, Stacy. She has been my rock through this. She has said that if all her clients were like me, doing everything needed and then some, her job would be much easier. Since I have nothing to hide I told her everything, even that I yelled at the kids, and allowed her to talk to my friends, the few I have. After she finally talked to my daughter, son and father; she told me that they were all lying and my daughter would be brought home. My stress level dropped 75% and my shrink decided I could lower one of my meds just a little bit, from 450mg to 425mg.

With all that said, my writing has suffered. I haven't written a thing since all this started. CampNaNoWriMo starts July 1st. I'm gonna push myself to get back into it. Though instead of my normal 50k goal it's only 25k. I'm not sure I can do it but I'll try. As  punishment my daughter will be doing it right along with me but with a lower goal, probably 10k. She loves to write but doesn't much. I'm hoping the experience will strengthen our relationship. I have also set times for playing cards and just talking.

I have been re-reading Sookie Stackhouse:Southern Vampire (aka True Blood) and it calms me a bit.

SO, if you have a mental illness that needs medication and something in your life changes, please talk to you doctors. Changing dosages and added another med for a short time may help. If your and your child(children) have mental illnesses remember you can set each other off.

August & September Sucked!

I thought all my problems had been lessened, but NO! I've had more stress, rage & anxiety in the past 4 weeks than I have all year.
My son's grandmother got all pissed off because wanted to take a trip to Ohio from Christmas/Solstice. I was called every name you can think of, told I ruined my kids' lives and never to contact 'MY SON'. My son, the good man he is now, confronted her and she kicked him out. The next day after leaving me tons of nasty messages, she went to his work. Yep his work. Begged him to come back. He did but put a deposit down on an apartment before he did. She is now leaving messages saying that I ruined his life and he can't live on his own... Ha! He's 19 for crying out loud.
It took me weeks to realize that nothing was my fault and I raised a responsible, respectful young man.With that all settled, I will be changing my phone number when my son moves into his apartment the 1st of October. I have no need to contact her or vise versa.
My therapist told me I am doing the right thing. My shrink added another medication to help me sleep more since the one I was on wasn't helping.

That was all of August... now for September

My daughter came home last Sunday, didn't say one word to me the entire night. Monday she came home from school early because she was so depressed she couldn't stand it. After an hour she finally opened up and told me what happened. Her father told her & her sister that he was doing meth. Yeppers, meth. My 1st thought was why the hell did he tell a 18 and 14 year old this. Then the rage set in. I wanted to kick his ass into next year. I held it together until I was alone. My daughter and I talked about it all, how she was feeling, what options she had and what she wanted me to do.
I told her that if she and her sister wanted I would call the police, they still haven't decided. Though they agreed to have no contact with him. I called my daughter's therapist and she saw her Friday. Her therapist said I did everything and more than a mother should do. Since I had felt helpless all week this made my week. My daughter doesn't need medication right now and she talked about it.  I have to admit, I spoiled her most of the week. Made her favorite foods, cuddled with her and kept telling her that what her father was doing was NOT her fault.
The weekend got better because a guy I have been crushing on since I was younger came over and we had a great weekend.
This next week should be awesome, it's homecoming week here and my daughter is excited. They have different silly dress-up days all week and the dance on Saturday. It's her first year in high school so it's a big deal. I asked her if she was going with a boy. Her answer was, 'Why? I don't need one to go to a dance. I'm going alone so I can show them all what they are missing and will never have.' That's my girl.

It's MAY!

It's May and it's going to be a very long month. I have my son's graduation, many more disability appointments, getting my daughter ready for braces and cooking healthier with less money. Then you need to add writing and cleaning.

Today I have begun making all homemade broths for one-pot meals. I am saving over $40 by making my own. I am enjoying getting back to cooking like my great-great aunt did. With my girl wanting more vegetarian meals veggie broth is my largest batch. And thanks to my ex-mother-in-law, I now have a 12 quart stock pot to make it easier. It's what she got me for an early Mother's Day present.

A few recipes I'm making are the following:
Spinach & Artichoke One Pot (my girl's fav)
Chicken, Orzo, & Spinach 
Vegan Pasta
Chicken Lo Mein

I have found that eating healthier is costing me more money when it comes to fresh vegetables. How are we suppose to eat fresh like The First Lady wants when many can't afford it. A head of cauliflower is $3 and carrots are $2 but if I bought frozen it would be half of that here. The prices of onions have been slowly increasing as well as tomatoes, and all fruit.

My son's graduation open house is the 23rd and his graduation is the 24th. I still can't believe he's graduating already. I still think he's my lil' boy but since he has been living with his father (half the time) for 2 months now, he has grown up so much. I didn't want him to live there but it seems to be a good choice.

I am a proud mother of a 17 year old graduating son!

I have completed another CampNaNo in April. With just over 51k of my 50k goal. Of course my OCD kicked in and I have started it over. I have finished WIP-2 (the 1st in series). It'll be going off to a beta reader in the next few weeks. I'm excited yet nervous.

I am also 9 books ahead on my Goodreads reading challenge.  Having read 34 of the 75 I pledged. I re-read Bayou Heat series and Guardians of Eternity series. Now I'm working on Sookie Stackhouse (aka True Blood) re-read.

Turning 40!

As today approached I planned it to be just another day. I was wrong, today is my 40th birthday. A few years ago I thought I'd never make it this far. I look back over the last years and see I haven't accomplished anything worth while other than raising my beautiful kids.
When I was little I wanted to be an accountant, yes I have a masters in accounting. Due to medical reasons I can't work. So, I sit and write or clean. I feel like a failure.

My bipolar hasn't helped, I've been crying for a few reasons:
My son moved into his dad's when his dad hasn't been around for 15 of the 17 years
I'm 40 today
I fear others reading my novels I've written, not published
I fear I'll loose everything since I have very little money coming in
My van hasn't ran for a year.

On a positive note:
I spent hours with my dad (not a usual thing) last night. A great time.
I'm another day closer to getting my Disability
I'm still alive after cancer a few years back.

My self implied goals for this year is to self-publish at least one of my novels, to spend more time with my daughter, to eat healthier, not that we have junk food in the house, be more active in my religion(pagan) and to think positive.

There I wrote about how it feels to be 40.

Life is a Roller Coaster!

I have been a single mom since my oldest was 2 years old, though those two years felt like I was the only parent too. So, lets say I've been a single parent for almost 18 years now. I know that my son will start college in the fall and will move out. That's a given. I know this, I expect this.

Background:

My son's father has had almost nothing to do with him in the last 15 years. Maybe 5 minutes here and 10 minutes there, but that's about it. One year I totaled it together and it was four hours that year he saw my son. His father paid child support on time every week and was never late (bonus, many don't have that). The last 6 months his father has been seeing him every weekend. (I knew there was a plan)

Current:

Two months ago my son comes to me and says he's moving in with his dad when school is out. Okay, thinking that it would change in a month. (Dad isn't one to stick to things, more like cause disappointment). March comes and his dad calls me to discuss my son moving in with him. Wooooo! Hold the train. after talking for an hour, I agreed to allow it after graduation (May 24th). A week later my son says he's packing so he can take all of his stuff to his dad's. That is 10 weeks early. He continues to argue saying dad said I could move now. Well, doing what a good mom does, I called his dad. No, he hadn't told my son he could move NOW! Typical teen playing the parents. That got all settled. He'd be moving out May 23rd.
Two weeks later my son refuses to come home because he's scared of me, I beat him... I have never nor would I ever. I agreed to let him stay 1 more night and I cried the whole night. Next morning I start making phone calls. After finding a way to stay where I'm living with my girl and how I'd pay bills I called my lawyer. Then I called his dad and explained what I was willing to do. Joint custody with joint equal placement and no child support. The money was his issue of course.
It's a 35 minute drive to his dad's from the school. Really! With gas prices has high as they are, I didn't like it. Not to mention I had planned my money out so I could manage after graduation not that minute.

Fallout:

I feel as if I have failed my son. I thought I gave him everything he needed.Now I see I haven't. He has been the one kid I had 95% of the time and I'm lost. Those few months before he turns 18 (end of August) were the months I was going to let go a bit at a time. Now I don't have that.

I've cried. I've wished for my mommy (passed 2003), I wished for my grandpa (passed 1995) and I screamed, yelled and hit the door. Yeah I have to replace it now. The last week I have been up, down, and up again. My emotions were all over the place.

Plus Side:

On to the plus side... I noticed that  my girl and I have been more talkative since the move. We have planned meals that my son would NEVER eat and we had mommy/daughter time more than ever before. She's had always been a daddy's girl until the last year. Now she's a mommy's girl and I'm grateful for this time.

Plus, my son's dad is finding out how a teenager acts that doesn't take his medication and how difficult it is to punish him. Another bonus is that I will not have to pay for college, graduation party or any of that. It's all on his dad.

I have found support through Twitter and my friends on there, many writers. They have helped walk me through this. Guided me to a place that I am able to handle the situation better. Given me the strength to work on my CampNaNoWriMo project and smile. They have been my rock.

Now, working on my WIP-4 for CampNaNo, I find I have chosen am emotional character. One that issues from my younger years will come to light.  I'm continuing it whether or not it makes me cry.