Is It Still January?

I am amazed it is still January. For some reason it feels like this month is going fast when it's not. It could be because I have had a week of good days.

MEDICAL:
I found out I have to take an extra inhaler so I can keep the bronchitis and pneumonia away. Then they added prednisone to the mix. I now take 11 pills in the morning and 8 at night. I really wanted to get off more meds but I guess it'll take longer to do that.
Kiddo-2 came home last weekend and cleaned the house. Yes, the whole house. I have kept up with the cleaning too. I cooked homemade chicken-n-dumplings and chicken-noodle soup.  That fed us for 5 days all together and you can't even tell I cooked when looking at my kitchen. Everything is cleaned up. PREDNISONE at it's best. I also have had to return to the chiropractor due to the pain in my shoulders and hips. I lasted 8 months without going. I think the weather change has caused it. By Tuesday I'll be back to normal, I hope.

WEATHER:
With a "white shit that falls from the sky" storm coming into my area tomorrow I had to stock up on a few things to make it with less anxiety. I grabbed soda, milk, eggs, bread, a steak, veggies, salad stuff, ice cream, snacks, fish and a frozen pizza.

 Frig is completely full, freezer is almost full. hen I have all my writing snacks ready to go for my marathon writing days. Should be about 2 full days of words. For me this shopping trip was not normal. I usually don't buy snacks or frozen food stuff. I bet you are wondering what meals I'll be making... Beef fajitas, tacos, steak, salads, pizza and ice cream.

WRITING:
With 4-8 inches of white crap supposedly going to fall, staying warm, munching and writing is what I really need to do. I really want to get beyond 65k words on CoT2. If I can do that I can finish it before CampNaNoWriMo April.
UPDATE: CoT-1 has been handed over to a few friends to read. Then I should only have 2 round of edits left.

I have all of January's Indie Author of the Week posts done. One for February is also done. Now you just have to wait until Saturdays.


*Happy Writing & Happy Reading*

Mental Illness Sucks

Living with bipolar and anxiety or any mental illness isn't easy.

I am diagnosed with mild OCD (obsessive control disorder), severe anxiety and bipolar disorder. I am not suicidal but homicidal. I have urges to kill or mangle people that have caused rage. I have never acted on these feelings but probably would if I wasn't medicated.

I have been told that I'm lazy and not worth a thing since I can't or refuse to work. It's all in my head and I should just get over it. Mental illness is not something many people without it understand. So here is how my days are.

I get up at around 9am and take four medication Lamitctal, Clonidine, Zyrtec, Naproxen, 2 for bipolar 1 for allergies and 1 for pain. I sit and make a list of what I am to do that day. I have never completed a list, most items are basic household cleaning like shower, dishes and vacuuming. I stare at my computer screen not focusing on whatever Netflix show I'm re-watching for the 100th time. Between noon and 3pm I force myself to make something to eat, usually a mile high salad. Salads are my go to fast making meal. Kiddo-2 gets home and does homework. Once she's done she goes out until 10pm. That means I am alone for dinner every night. When she leaves I try to make it to the shower but usually only take a fast bath, not washing my hair. Washing hair seems like it will take too long, though it's about a 3 minute task. So, it's back to staring at Netflix thinking how useless I am. This increases my anxiety because I know I need to do something and just can't.  At 9pm I take 4 more medications, Clonidine, Montelluska, birth control & Naproxen. I then take 3 more bipolar and anxiety medications, Primidone, Keppra & Quetiapine at 10pm. While I wait for the last to kick in I fix my bed for sleep and turn on my fan. Between 11pm - 12am I finally get to go to bed.

When I HAVE to leave the house (even to check the mail), I have to take 2 PRNs, Saphris and migraine one (emergency medications if you don't know). My body shakes and the cold sweats kick in. When my kiddo-1 or my ex-mother-in-law take me somewhere the ride is much less stressful. Shopping once a month for groceries and household stuff is all I can manage. I have passed out at the store because too many people are in the isle or I've passed too many of them. Checking out the cold sweats hit more, usually cause there are too many people around and I'm freaking out that I forgot something. Most times I have someone take everything out to the vehicle so I can either sit down on the ground or smoke a cigarette, many times both. In the winter I have found myself on the ground in the snow. When I get home, kiddo-1 carries everything in and I put only cold stuff away. I'm so exhausted from the mood swings and anxiety I can't do anything else.
The day after shopping I cut, dice and chop all veggies (peppers, onions, mushrooms, celery, carrots and whatever else I bought). This is for the purpose of making it easier to toss food together so I don't have an anxiety attack because I have to cook. If I'm doing well or in a manic state (a state where I can't sleep and have to keep moving (cleaning OCD mostly), I brown hamburger with garlic & onion for spaghetti, goulash and things like that. I also cook up taco meat to freeze. Freezing these makes it fast to cook cause cooking hamburger takes so long. If I'm in an extreme manic state I toss together freezer meals. Check out my Pinterest (link is to the right) under crock pot meals & freezer meals for ideas. That's shopping week.

When I have a stable day I write or read. Sometimes I can get 4-7 days of this and I love it. However, I still have issues being around people. I force myself to visit 1 neighbor for an hour a week. Yes, I take a PRN before I walk out the door. This neighbor has 3 kids ages 11, 8 & 6. The 6 year old loves to give me hugs, his hugs relieve some anxiety and they are the best. Every time he sees me he runs over and hugs me. The best feeling ever.
My writing is usually paranormal, fantasy, romance. It's a therapy technique that therapists try with their patience. Ha! I started this long before therapy. It helps more than therapy. When I write I can go into a manic state and write for hours. It goes with reading as well. I HAVE to read an entire series before I can stop.

How my therapy goes...
I go in and sit down. Tell her everything that has pissed me off since my last visit and then we take about recipes. What the hell does that have to do with overcoming anxiety and my rage episodes? 35 minutes from walking into her office I leave. Yes I feel better until I see people in the waiting room and everything floods back into my mind.

Psychiatrist visits go like this...
I go in a bad mood. Get my weight and blood pressure (usually fine except weight). I talk to my shrink about my medications. She doesn't pressure me into anything. I'm usually the one that says I need something more or think I can drop something. She knows I know my body and brain better than her. I also know 90% of my triggers. This last visit she said I need to see all her patience and teach them how they need to stay on medications and log emotions, moods and thoughts until they find their triggers.  With this last visit I requested to go back on Keppra, I use it for sleep and to kill my uncontrollable thoughts. I had gone 3 nights with only 2 hours of sleep a night. My shrink allows me to tweek my medications depending on my moods as long as I let her know right away.

Many with bipolar disorders have several weeks or months of the same mood. In my case I have an extreme rapid cycling. I can go from depressed to rage and back in seconds. Going from manic to depressed is harder and takes longer to come down from it. Most times when I'm in a manic state I take an extra medication. My rage episodes can NOT be controlled. I have punched a supervisor, thrown stuff at a boss and just walked out of a job. The boss I threw stuff at was also bipolar but not diagnosed. Many times I flip it's caused by others and their moods. My friend has a mentally challenged boy that can set me off if he's in a bad mood.

Knowing your triggers is  great way to help control situations. My mood triggers are, the sociopath child that lives downstairs, bad news, kiddos not doing as told, kiddo-1 being around too much (he's un-medicated bipolar), stress about bills or money in general. My rage triggers have been unpredictable the last 2 years. My anxiety triggers are people, any people. Usually more than 1 I know being around.

How does all this effect my life?
I can't go out with friends, work, shop much, socialize, spend time outside, spend time with family and enjoy what used to be the best day of the week. I have not been to a holiday with family in 6 years. Saturdays I used to play cards with three friends but it has gotten to the point I can't. I am also able to diagnose many with mental issues and found the right medications for them. I have studied mental illness for 35 years.

Having a relationship with a significant other is usually a disaster and short lived. I'm lucky that I have a man that has been in my life since I was very little. We spend time together on weekends & have for a few years now. There are times I tell him he needs to leave and he understands. We have no delusions of what we have. Yes, he would love to live with my and my kid, support us and make sure we live well off. He also knows that I can't do that. I need to be able to be by myself when my mood needs it.

August & September Sucked!

I thought all my problems had been lessened, but NO! I've had more stress, rage & anxiety in the past 4 weeks than I have all year.
My son's grandmother got all pissed off because wanted to take a trip to Ohio from Christmas/Solstice. I was called every name you can think of, told I ruined my kids' lives and never to contact 'MY SON'. My son, the good man he is now, confronted her and she kicked him out. The next day after leaving me tons of nasty messages, she went to his work. Yep his work. Begged him to come back. He did but put a deposit down on an apartment before he did. She is now leaving messages saying that I ruined his life and he can't live on his own... Ha! He's 19 for crying out loud.
It took me weeks to realize that nothing was my fault and I raised a responsible, respectful young man.With that all settled, I will be changing my phone number when my son moves into his apartment the 1st of October. I have no need to contact her or vise versa.
My therapist told me I am doing the right thing. My shrink added another medication to help me sleep more since the one I was on wasn't helping.

That was all of August... now for September

My daughter came home last Sunday, didn't say one word to me the entire night. Monday she came home from school early because she was so depressed she couldn't stand it. After an hour she finally opened up and told me what happened. Her father told her & her sister that he was doing meth. Yeppers, meth. My 1st thought was why the hell did he tell a 18 and 14 year old this. Then the rage set in. I wanted to kick his ass into next year. I held it together until I was alone. My daughter and I talked about it all, how she was feeling, what options she had and what she wanted me to do.
I told her that if she and her sister wanted I would call the police, they still haven't decided. Though they agreed to have no contact with him. I called my daughter's therapist and she saw her Friday. Her therapist said I did everything and more than a mother should do. Since I had felt helpless all week this made my week. My daughter doesn't need medication right now and she talked about it.  I have to admit, I spoiled her most of the week. Made her favorite foods, cuddled with her and kept telling her that what her father was doing was NOT her fault.
The weekend got better because a guy I have been crushing on since I was younger came over and we had a great weekend.
This next week should be awesome, it's homecoming week here and my daughter is excited. They have different silly dress-up days all week and the dance on Saturday. It's her first year in high school so it's a big deal. I asked her if she was going with a boy. Her answer was, 'Why? I don't need one to go to a dance. I'm going alone so I can show them all what they are missing and will never have.' That's my girl.

Better Days!

This last week was stressful and emotional. I felt like everything was crashing around me. My health, my mental well-being and of course that effected my moods and house.

With chiropractor appointment, shrink, dentist, grocery shopping, therapist and ultrasound of breast my week was overwhelming.
The week before I was angered by the slightest event, the sight of a neighbor, slow loading internet... you get the point. It took all my energy to not hurt someone. After Tuesday with the shrink & adding a new medication to my regimen , I became lethargic & emotional. The rage wasn't there, which was a first in many months. However, anger & anger were.
Thursday, my therapist said she was worried about the anger and rage. Typical!
As Friday started, I cried, screamed and threw things. Since my mammogram came back abnormal I had an ultrasound on my breasts. I cried the whole time. My mom and my grandma died from breast cancer, so it hits hard. After 45 minutes the doctor came in, all is good, but they are going to watch 2 spots. All others are just cysts full of fluid.
*Please get your mammograms. It saves lives*
When I got home I had no idea what to do with the relief that had washed over me. All I could do is sit here and stare at the computer. My daughter had to remind me to eat, that's how far out of it I was.
Now, I'm hoping my next few weeks are calm and my body gets used to my new medication. I need to write more this week as well.