Holy Crap!

 Holy crap, it's been a year since I blogged. A ton has happened in my life that about tore me down all the way.

Last September I was admitted to the hospital because I couldn't breathe. With asthma and the beginnings of COPD I thought I just smoked too much that day. Well, now that my doctors looked at my x-rays last month they believe I had a mild case of covid-19. I stayed two nights in the hospital and have nebulizer treatments every four hours, massive IV antibiotics and pain killers. Right now I am down from 30-40 cigarettes a day to maybe 3 a week. I have been taking Chantix. I started in the middle of July. I can breathe better and I don't pant climbing the stairs (unless it's an anxiety attack).

Last August my son turned 22 and we had a wonderful dinner together. This is one of the few pictures I have with both my kids in it since 2014.

Austin & Alexia 8-27-2019

In December my baby girl turned 18 and got her 1st tattoo. Since she's afraid of needles I thought she wouldn't go through with it but she did and it turned out great.

Then in February I had an MRI and biopsy on my breasts. I also took the DNA test for all the hereditary cancers they can screen for. Lymph node had no sign of cancer and my DNA tests came back negative for all of them!

In June my baby girl graduated from High School! I am so proud of her. She made it even with her life falling apart (her words) from boy issues and loss of prom. If you notice the score board says 2020 all over. Thanks Voss Studio for the ceremony pictures.

July 7th my newest grandbaby was born healthy. Zaiden is so precious and he looks so much like his daddy did. I'm proud of the father my son has become. He has no problems with changing diapers.

Now it's almost October and I'm doing good, well good for me. I have been a bit depressed and my anxiety is high when I have to leave my apartment. I don't want to get sick and mask wearers around here, well not many. I don't care if they wear them or not but if they don't why do they have to brush up against me to grab something off the shelf?

My shrink and I have played with my medications a bit. I have stopped two of them and haven't seen a change in my rage or me throwing stuff (or not throwing stuff).

In the next month I'll be planning out my story for NaNoWriMo in November. I will be writing the 1st book in a new series that will be called "Theragrot Security". Yes it'll be shifters like the current series I'm working on but different. There will be no ancient ones. The oldest will be 500 years old if that.

I had to take a break from my current series because my characters want to bring someone back from the dead  (there were just hiding).

There you go, all caught up on my strange and crazy life.

It's Been Months

This will be short today; I'll just be updating a few things.

Breast Health:

I had my follow up mammogram and everything is great. After the biopsy all of the fluid cysts have seemed to disappear. There is NO trace they were even there. The DNA test for all kinds of hereditary cancers were NEGATIVE! I will now be back to every 6 months for mammograms until 2021. After that It'll be every 2 years if things stay good.

Mental Health:

My anxiety has been better since the downstairs neighbor passed away and her kids moved. I know that sounds bad but it's the truth. Another neighbor that caused some of my anxiety has also moved. I'm able to get my mail more than I used to.
My bipolar is still under control and no rage episodes for a few months.
My depression has been on and off. Like anyone else I have those ups and downs but I'm able to cope for now.
PTSD night terrors have settled down a bit. They appear at least three times a week instead of every night.
OCD is causing some anxiety. With the depressive days I can't seem to clean. I have been getting some if not all the dishes done which is one of the hardest things for me to do.

New medical conditions:

COPD has hit. I had a major flare up the 1st of the month. A 36 hour hospital stay, 4 nebulizer treatments every day until yesterday (now twice a day), steroids and new twice a day inhaler. My second follow up Monday was great. I'm back to 97% oxygen stats. I have also cut back on smoking big time. I was at about 35 cigarettes a day, now it's about 8 a day. Steroids were finished a few days ago. I seem to be better but I am keeping track of my breathing and adding 30 minutes of meditation breathing every day.

Other News:

Kiddo-1 has been a great help. After several months of ignoring me he has called twice a week and brought his new girlfriend over the other day. I even got to spend his birthday (22nd) with him for dinner. 

Kiddo-2 has been frustrating. She's back to not wanting to go to school again. I took her to her therapist in hopes that would get her to go only to find out she skipped yesterday. At 17 she is still getting good grades I just wish she'd get her butt to school. Planning Homecoming is happening as well as the Winter Formal. If you don't have or haven't had a teenage girl, trust me dress shopping is the worst. Trying on 15 dresses for both trips sucked.

I have started planning my NaNoWriMo 2019 project. I'm excited since it is the beginning of a new series. I have completed book 1 of my 1st series and hoping to publish in 2020. The 2nd-4th books are planned. I'm finishing up the 1st draft of the second and restarting the 3rd. The 4th is planned and even the 5th has started popping into my head.

I think that's it. Tell me about your health and adulting in the comments. I love seeing it all.

How Mental Health Effect My Days!

WARNING! This post may trigger those who have been abused.

This post will be totally scrambled due to a mini manic episode.

Depression- I can just sit in my chair ad stare at the computer screen, watching Hulu or Netflix. I can want to sleep all day (20hrs a day). I don't write, read or clean. I feel like a failure for not acting like an adult.
TRIGGERS- Seeing my place dirty, trouble paying bills, someone telling me I'm lazy and a few I can't remember what.

Anxiety- This is a tough one to explain. I shake, have trouble breathing, my heart-rate jumps, I have cold & clammy sweats, and afterwards I want to sleep for hours.
TRIGGERS- People, shopping, paying bills, kids screaming and leaving my apartment. Basically anything that means leaving, even getting the mail.

Manic States- I have 2 different kinds. First, massive cleaning spree without stopping. Second, I watch a series on Hulu or Netflix non-stop, read entire book series, write for hours (10-15).
TRIGGERS- The 1st manic state is triggered by unknown reasons. I have found that if I take Trazodone the next day I clean non-stop. The 2nd is caused by a long depression (2 weeks to 1 month) and some triggers I haven't found yet.

PTSD- I know it causes my night-terrors, jumpiness to doors slamming, and fear of someone breaking in. This is caused by the physical, sexual, mental and psychological abuse I endured from my mother's 1st husband.

I'll now explain what causes my PTSD...
My mom married her 1st husband when I was 6. They had dated since I was 3. The earliest thing that I now known is signs of abuse was being scared to be left alone with him. I remember one time my mom was taking my babysitter to the store and I had a temper tantrum, and hid in the car. I still had to stay home. Another is I could get out of being grounded by giving him a back-rub. Department of Human Services investigated the abuse but since mom didn't see it and he lied they dismissed the case. They were called in because I knew how to masturbate. Then it became him calling me all kinds of names (bitch, slut, cunt, stupid, idiot). I blocked out the sexual abuse until after I was 25 years old. He threw me through a double pane window when I was 13.
Now you're asking where my mom was. Well,  she thought that no man would want her since she had me out of wedlock. She was 18 when she had me and was raised Roman Catholic. In here mind my step-father was her only choice and she defended him at every turn.

I am the opposite, I refuse to NEED a man for anything, maybe not all the time. My boyfriend offers to help with bills and stuff but I refuse and ask for a massage instead.

This post is the first time I have told my story to more than a few friends and my mental health providers.