As Christmas and Yule approach I get more depressed. I wish I could give my kids things they want. Once again; I can't once again. Another year where they get toothbrushes, dental floss, mouthwash, and their favorite meals. They don't need clothes or much of anything fancy. they asked for iTunes cards (I don't pay for their phones their grandmas' do) and Austin needs bedding. I want household items, gas money and money to buy my personal things. I have bought clothes, undergarments or stuff like that for myself in years.All extra money goes to the kids. As it should.
To say it's hard being a single mother of 2 teens is an understatement. I'm unable to work and child support from one father isn't cutting. With 1 car that's my kids and the van sitting waiting to be fixed (if I had the money) it's tough. Now that Austin is playing basketball again getting my other one home after school is getting harder. I'm a recluse as it is but having to depend on friends to get me to the pharmacy is nerve racking to say the least. Soon the internet will have to go. Heart-breaking as it is I can't really afford it anymore. It's my lifeline to my fellow supportive authors and my kids' way to play games and talk with their friends they left behind when we moved 5 years ago. When the internet is gone I'll have nothing, to Netflix (we have no cable), no writing support and my kids will be saying 'I'm bored' all the time. It's heart breaking I have no family left to help.
I asked for help this year for the first time and since my kids are teens they won't help. A group in facebook thought they could help but everyone said that since the kids didn't want much and they won't buy for me that they won't help either. The kids will get things from their fathers' sides.
Too add to all this Austin need his senior pics printed and I have to toss together his open house. His father said he'd do it but I won't hold my breath. He did however have his wife take the pics, which I ended up having to edit, she did a shoddy job. It's cheaper than have them professionally taken since that would be $300+ and it'll cost me $48. $48 I don't have.
My ex-mother-in-law (mother to the one not paying child support) has helped so much the last few years I can't ask her for any more.
So, you are asking yourself "What is she gonna do?" I have no idea. I'll probably just muddle through and wish for the best hoping the kids don't get too upset and write to distract myself from it all.
On the good side, I made it through November without breaking down and crying for days. I finished NaNoWriMo and started another novel though none of my others are totally finished.
I wish all of you a happy holidays and warm times with family and friends.
