Bipolar & Anxiety

I am finally ready to explain my anxiety, bipolar disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder. Here goes.

Anxiety: 

My anxiety issues stems from my childhood and increased stress in my life. I am a survivor of physical, sexual and mental abuse. My step-father hurt me in more ways than any child should see let alone deal with. Physical abuse was not as brutal as the others. Yes, the mental abuse is more damaging, my opinion, than any of the others. I was never good enough, told I was a slut (at age 12 & up), I was a bitch that no one would ever want. The feeling of the unknown triggers an anxiety attack now. Not to mention being in large crowds. Crowds remind me of the tiny house we lived in when I was young and I can't breathe. I shake and get clammy. Going to the store just to get milk is hard for me. Medication has helped with this and being able to know when stores are not too busy helps as well. Going to Wal-Mart at 11pm is great, I only freak out when checking out. Another trigger for me is the day before I pay bills, can I pay all of them or not and running out of soda or smokes.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder:

Every person with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is different. Many have to control everything and MUST maintain total cleanliness. I know a few that are always cleaning with bleach and some who just are repetitive habits like doing things in 3's. I however, am strange. My towels must be folded just right, my dishes HAVE to be done in a certain order or I can't finish them, pictures MUST be level and my frig is organized in a certain way. When my kids were little their toys were in the right place every night. They call it 'mommy clean'. Twice a year we still 'mommy clean'. That means washing everything from light switches to the walls & carpet.One therapist would turn the clock on his wall just a little before I came in and I always HAD to fix it before sitting down. If there are dead leaves on a plant I have to fix that. My OCD is manageable without medication at this time. 

Bipolar Disorder:

There are two types of bipolar disorder. I fit into type 1 more than type 2 though I could be classified as both from year to year. I rapid cycle, or switch moods often, more than 99% of bipolars. Most bipolars have days to months in a depressive mood and mania (usually hyper). I can switch from mania to depression and back in matter of an hour, sometimes less. I do what they call extreme rapid cycling. It's like a switch and for 10 years I knew my triggers. The past 3 years I've had trouble since new triggers appeared. Triggers are people, situations or emotional times that can start a depression or mania. When I'm in a manic episode I sometimes have rage issues or episodes. 

Rage episodes for me are a burst of furry and I can lash out at anyone or anything. I have punched walls, thrown things, kicked holes in the walls, screamed, yelled and swipe everything off a table or desk. The most epic rage episode was a few years before I was medicated; I punched through a 55 gallon fish tank and killed all the fish. Not a good time in my life. For over 10 years I was on a mood stabilizer and a sleep aide. The last 3 years I have had to add several more since I have new triggers and my rage got out of control last year, no I didn't hurt anyone. 

My depression episodes are the most troubling for me. I know every November I will need an increase in medication. This is due to my mom's birthday and the month she died. I usually continue the increase through December to play it safe. Other times of the year I get into a rut where I just don't do a thing except re-read books or re-watch Netflix. When it gets really bad I have neighbors come over and make me shower and eat. Some even clean my kitchen and that tends to help push me back to a better mood, not always.  

Another issue I have with my bipolar is frequent and severe migraines. Until a few years ago I had no idea that bipolar people tend to get migraines. 

Mania:

My mania episodes are different from most. I become excessively OCD, which isn't a bad thing. Some people excessively shop, have one night stands, drink, do drugs and things like that. I used to drink excessively right after my mom died. Though unlike others I know I made sure my kids were taken care of and I kept my college grades at all A's. Another person I know in a manic state can never focus on a single thing long enough to get half way through it. I have that problem maybe once a year and that's when we go into Daylight Savings Time.  I think I have learned to focus on things that are healthy or at least not self-destructive like reading a book series of 28 books in a week or write for days at a time. 

Managing My Mental Health

I see my therapist, Joyce, monthly. Basically I just tell her what has happened since the last visit or we talk about food. We both love to cook from scratch. No, not typical but it helps me at least. My therapist tried to get me to do all sorts of things, but we found what works for me. It also helps that I can call her anytime to talk if needed which I have a few times this last year. Now remember you may have to go through many therapists before you find one you like and that can help. I went through 9.

Once a month I see the PA, Jayme, that prescribes my medication. She specialized in mental health. I love her. She is only my second to medicate me for my issues, as I call them. Since I've been medicated for 16 years I know what works and what doesn't. Jayme lets me adjust my medications as I see fit, within reason. I also call her every time I make a change and tell her if she doesn't want me to let me know. Never change your medication with asking first. I know what limits I can take of everything I'm on and what Jayme will allow me to change. Like I said I always call, even if I decide not to take one of my sleeping pills just one night. It is important to communicate with the doctor that prescribes your medication. 

Keep track of all the medication I'm on for my mental health issues and other medical issues is hard. I tried the pill box, calendar check off and several apps on my phone. I finally found the perfect one, Medisafe app. It's available for Android and Apple. With this app I can set my alerts for each medication, how often, how much and can even have a setting for as needed. There are several different alert tones; Star Wars, Minions (my favorite), Baseball, Finding Nemo, South Park, Elsa and a few more. You can set it to vibrate and flash lights as well. There's a diary that you can track things in. My favorite part is the measurements, here I can track moods, pain, blood pressure, weight, temperature, pulse, pain level, blood glucose, A1C and many others. Keep track of your appointments and which doctor prescribes which medication. I also love the fact I can email all this information to myself and print it out for my doctors. I've been using Medisafe for a few years and I can look back and see how much I have improved with taking my medication and track my weight. Before I started using Medisafe, there were days I thought I took my pills and didn't. Then a few times I double dosed. I haven't done either since I started using Medisafe since I can just open the app and see which pills I took (green check mark) or missed (blue circle thing or red exclamation point). I customized the shape and color of my pills: purple, lavender and white for mental health, blue for pain pills and pink for birth control. I love being able to do that. Another extra is that my friend can get alerts if I miss a dosage. The reminders for refills is also helpful. I have mine set to go off when I have 5 pills left of those I take once a day and 10 for ones I take twice a day. The last benefit I like is the medication information. 

Writing is another way I manage everything. I started writing in 2010 and have written over 15 novels, none published. See that's where my OCD and anxiety comes in. Writing gives me the opportunity to express what isn't proper in the real world. I mainly write about shifters, vampires (non-sparkling) and witches. Yes, sex is in there a lot too. With writing I have made lots of friends on Twitter and through NaNoWriMo. 

Reading also helps me. It distracts me from whatever is troubling me or pushing my moods around. Depending on my mood issue I read erotica, paranormal-romance, and fiction with a little sex. Check out my list of favorite book series to the right.

Twitter has helped me to meet others with mental disorders as well. Support helps as well as knowing you're not alone. I have a great group of friends that help each other when we are having a bad day. 

Only a few days left until CampNaNoWriMo July Edition starts and I'm almost bouncing out of my chair every day. So many thoughts running through my mind. I can't wait to start writing. With things mostly settled here at home with the kiddo I'm all ready. I just have to get everything set up and I'm on my way....
Started setting up Scrivener....

Next up will be putting in character bios from my notebook. This will be unusual cause I almost put it all in Scrivener as I think of it.


So, here is what I have so far.........
Nya is 18 and just of age for mating. She has been kept in isolation once the Triad learned she was to mate an Alpha.
Elyan an Alpha of many centuries of age has to learn to deal with a little scared mate and try to keep control over his territory from 2 fronts.
What will happen is not yet known but it should be exciting to get to the end.

Now, as for the home front. Kiddo-2 has returned home and we found out that her brother and my father had her scared to come home because they said I was going to kill her for not being home. We have worked things out and for the most part things are back to normal.

Okay so this post is really short.

Mental Illness & Parenting

Parenting is hard enough, then you toss in mental illnesses with both mother and children . It's a storm waiting to happen, which it has hit this last 6 weeks.
As a mother of a 20 year old son & a 15 year old daughter I have instilled honesty, loyalty, faith in others, respect for elders and officers of the law. Or so I thought. 5 weeks ago my son ripped his ACL. I dropped everything for 4 weeks; making sure he made his appointments, waited through his surgery, paid his bills (his money) and drove him 60 miles round trip almost every day for work. This messed with MY medication schedule a little. NOT a good thing when it must be exact. Being around him was hard too; he hasn't taken his medication for over 3 years and he tends to set my anger off quickly. I kept it under control 98% of the time. Yes, I snapped at him for forgetting his pain med schedule and not being ready to leave on time. I had to increase one medication to keep under control ; which I gladly did. It worked until week 4.
I found out my daughter had been staying at her boyfriend's house every weekend instead of her step-sister's. She's 15 and he is 20. Yes, they told me they had sex a few times back in November. I was upset but since they were honest and agreed not to do it again until she turned 16 in December I allowed the relationship to continue under adult supervision. I'm regretting that now. I yelled, yes yelled at them and grounded my daughter from data on her phone. Then her boyfriend told me she hadn't been taking her meds. She was so pissed that she got my dad and son believing that I beat her and said I was going to kill her. My dad and son had me committed to the psychiatric ward for a 48 hour hold saying I wasn't taking my meds and I was a threat to everyone, then the judge dismissed the case since my medication levels were perfect for what I was taking. They were not happy. My dad said "If you hurt her I'll hunt you down." While I was locked up, they called DHS (Department of Human Services... known to most as CPS and Social Services). They night of court a worker came by, the same one I talked to in September about my daughter's father). She asked the usual questions and said she needed to talk to my daughter. It took 2 weeks to get a hold of her. In this time the police said she was with my father. Come to find out she was staying with her boyfriend. DHS was not happy. They are pressing statutory rape charges against the boyfriend and custodial interference against my father and son. I'm good with it all. They need to understand that they must follow the law. My daughter will be home Monday after DHS picks her after Driver's Ed classes. She will be restricted to my house for 4 weeks. There will be no more contact with my father and son for her. I love my DHS worker, Stacy. She has been my rock through this. She has said that if all her clients were like me, doing everything needed and then some, her job would be much easier. Since I have nothing to hide I told her everything, even that I yelled at the kids, and allowed her to talk to my friends, the few I have. After she finally talked to my daughter, son and father; she told me that they were all lying and my daughter would be brought home. My stress level dropped 75% and my shrink decided I could lower one of my meds just a little bit, from 450mg to 425mg.

With all that said, my writing has suffered. I haven't written a thing since all this started. CampNaNoWriMo starts July 1st. I'm gonna push myself to get back into it. Though instead of my normal 50k goal it's only 25k. I'm not sure I can do it but I'll try. As  punishment my daughter will be doing it right along with me but with a lower goal, probably 10k. She loves to write but doesn't much. I'm hoping the experience will strengthen our relationship. I have also set times for playing cards and just talking.

I have been re-reading Sookie Stackhouse:Southern Vampire (aka True Blood) and it calms me a bit.

SO, if you have a mental illness that needs medication and something in your life changes, please talk to you doctors. Changing dosages and added another med for a short time may help. If your and your child(children) have mental illnesses remember you can set each other off.

Getting Ready for April

April....
This is the month that I'm busy as hell. First I'll be 42 on the 7th. The rest are annual physicals, dental visits, therapy, med checks, CampNaNoWriMo and of course 'Spring Cleaning'.

On the 1st I will start working on my WIP-9 (aka Love of Nessa) for CampNaNo. Camp is a bit different than November's NaNo. Camp you get tossed into 'cabins' where you meet new writers and encourage each other. Also, you can set your own word count goal. This year mine is 35,000 words. That should finish Love of Nessa.
Nessa is a frightened young female. She has been sheltered and told she is nothing all her life. As her 19th birthday approaches she is handed over to an Alpha to be his mate. Dante, the Alpha, is ancient, though his heritage makes him look only 30. They have to find a way to live with each other, not to mention the war that is brewing. 
Usually Camp Cabins are quiet, last Camp I had a very active group and loved it. Sign up (campnanowrimo.org) and have fun...

My birthday will just like any other day...
I will sleep, take meds, eat and write. Maybe some Netflix in there too. I won't get presents just left alone for the weekend. Which is preferred. I'll cook slow cooker meals and wait til the Sunday for kiddo-2 to do the dishes.

Spring Cleaning will consist of washing windows, wiping baseboards, hand scrubbing the floors, vacuuming furniture & beds, and of course cleaning out pantry, frig and freezer.
The frig & freezer should be fairly easy since I keep up on it every month. The pantry however is only done in the spring. That might take hours. Good thing I can set up a card table to pull everything out, check dates, pitch old stuff and wipe shelves down.

My reading selection will probably be Jacquelyn Frank's Nightwalkers series and Katie Reus's Red Stone Security series.
Nightwalkers is a series about earth based demons that really aren't demons the way most think.
Red Stone Security is not my normal because it is not paranormal. It's a mystery romance.
Both will be re-reads. I re-read many of my favorite series a lot. Look to the right column for a list of the favorite ones I can read a hundred times over. You might like some of them.

Hi Ho Hi Ho- Back to Writing I Go

An update on my health....I am cancer free and can wait 1 year rather than 6 months for paps & mammograms. If you don't get regular check-ups and cancer screenings PLEASE do! They can save your life.

Writing is a distraction and coping tool for my bipolar and anxiety. Writing places in my world and it's less stressful there. Though it can be stressful if you are struggling with the plots, characters and many other things. Over the last week I have noticed a change in my behavior and moods. They have been better.
I have jumped back into my writing. I started 'Love of Nessa' (might change title) this last week. I have been writing every day and a few of them I wrote over 1500 words when my goal is 500.
I'm trying out Scapple, a mind mapping program. Never really plotted my stories and I doubt I'm using it the way I should. Instead of plotting the stories I'm plotting character bios and relationships. I tried plotting on it and I don't know if I like it yet. Maybe. Here are tow pictures of my mapping...

Character Mapping

Plot Mapping

Today, before I write with @FriNightWrites I am updating my Scrivener with the characters. It might take some time but I have a few hours. Here's a picture of it so far...

Scrivener for 'Love Of Nessa'

I now have to find character inspiration pictures on Pinterest and the web. That's my goal, to have all characters' picture done.

As you can see I'm doing better and writing is the key to keeping it that way. 

Here's a look at 'Love Of Nessa':

Nessa is a meek uneducated female wolf shifter. She is handed over to mate an Alpha and it scares her. Through the first few chapters she struggles with her new role and fights it some of the time. Her mate has his own struggles... An Alpha that shares a property line starts sabotaging the pack and will end up starting a war (something that hasn't happened in over three centuries).

That's all I got so far.

When Characters Change Your Plot

When a writer sits down to begin a story, they have some idea of what should happen. Some even outline the whole story. I can't outline, here's why...

My characters never do what I think they should. In my current WIP my female protagonist has changed into wimp, my hero (the one she was meant to hook up with) changed and of course an issue of location.

Female- She was to be a strong, independent character. Now she is scared of everyone and can't seem to trust anyone.

Hero- He was to be the Alpha of the pack... yep she changed that. The story is turning out that she will end up with one that was suppose to be a secondary character.

Location- It went from the west coast US to central now it looks like it'll end up in south-central US

Many times a character has changed what I thought should happen. At least the antagonist seems to stay the same though internal demons do change.

I really didn't want another story line to end up the male rescues the female type thing. Well, this one might do that and in return she rescues him even without his knowing it.

Okay, I think this is short but I want to get back to my characters because they are calling.

Writing for Anxiety & Bipolar Disorder

Did you know that writing can help those with bipolar & anxiety?

I didn't believe it either until I checked my moods after each of my writing sessions.
Writing isn't new to me. It took a few weeks until I noticed that my mood levels out as I write. My rage looses it's momentum and my anxiety disappears. I writing novels that I may or may not publish. When people piss me off I write them in and kill them off later. It's not like I would actually kill them but we all have those thoughts at time. I also get to have characters vent about what I would like to without causing a confrontation.

I know that starting out writing can be confusing. 

You don't even know what you want to write. Just start! If you try this let me know how it works for you since not everyone responds to treatments the same way.
You can also start a journal. A journal of your thoughts, feelings, actions, and episodes is can be beneficial when treating bipolar disorder. A journal can also help your doctors and therapists find some of your triggers. Some people find writing in a journal helps to relieve anxiety.

When writing in your journal, you do not have to write in sentences, worry about spelling, or any grammar crap. Just write.

Writing Stories

If you want to try to write stories as I do, they don't have to be researched or very long. Just write what you want the characters to do and feel. Sometimes you'll write characters that feel like you do and if they find a solution you might have a clue for yourself.

*Disclosure: I am not a doctor. This is simply a personal opinion. If you are depressed, manic, have rage episodes please seek a professional doctor's care.