It's Been Months

This will be short today; I'll just be updating a few things.

Breast Health:

I had my follow up mammogram and everything is great. After the biopsy all of the fluid cysts have seemed to disappear. There is NO trace they were even there. The DNA test for all kinds of hereditary cancers were NEGATIVE! I will now be back to every 6 months for mammograms until 2021. After that It'll be every 2 years if things stay good.

Mental Health:

My anxiety has been better since the downstairs neighbor passed away and her kids moved. I know that sounds bad but it's the truth. Another neighbor that caused some of my anxiety has also moved. I'm able to get my mail more than I used to.
My bipolar is still under control and no rage episodes for a few months.
My depression has been on and off. Like anyone else I have those ups and downs but I'm able to cope for now.
PTSD night terrors have settled down a bit. They appear at least three times a week instead of every night.
OCD is causing some anxiety. With the depressive days I can't seem to clean. I have been getting some if not all the dishes done which is one of the hardest things for me to do.

New medical conditions:

COPD has hit. I had a major flare up the 1st of the month. A 36 hour hospital stay, 4 nebulizer treatments every day until yesterday (now twice a day), steroids and new twice a day inhaler. My second follow up Monday was great. I'm back to 97% oxygen stats. I have also cut back on smoking big time. I was at about 35 cigarettes a day, now it's about 8 a day. Steroids were finished a few days ago. I seem to be better but I am keeping track of my breathing and adding 30 minutes of meditation breathing every day.

Other News:

Kiddo-1 has been a great help. After several months of ignoring me he has called twice a week and brought his new girlfriend over the other day. I even got to spend his birthday (22nd) with him for dinner. 

Kiddo-2 has been frustrating. She's back to not wanting to go to school again. I took her to her therapist in hopes that would get her to go only to find out she skipped yesterday. At 17 she is still getting good grades I just wish she'd get her butt to school. Planning Homecoming is happening as well as the Winter Formal. If you don't have or haven't had a teenage girl, trust me dress shopping is the worst. Trying on 15 dresses for both trips sucked.

I have started planning my NaNoWriMo 2019 project. I'm excited since it is the beginning of a new series. I have completed book 1 of my 1st series and hoping to publish in 2020. The 2nd-4th books are planned. I'm finishing up the 1st draft of the second and restarting the 3rd. The 4th is planned and even the 5th has started popping into my head.

I think that's it. Tell me about your health and adulting in the comments. I love seeing it all.

How Mental Health Effect My Days!

WARNING! This post may trigger those who have been abused.

This post will be totally scrambled due to a mini manic episode.

Depression- I can just sit in my chair ad stare at the computer screen, watching Hulu or Netflix. I can want to sleep all day (20hrs a day). I don't write, read or clean. I feel like a failure for not acting like an adult.
TRIGGERS- Seeing my place dirty, trouble paying bills, someone telling me I'm lazy and a few I can't remember what.

Anxiety- This is a tough one to explain. I shake, have trouble breathing, my heart-rate jumps, I have cold & clammy sweats, and afterwards I want to sleep for hours.
TRIGGERS- People, shopping, paying bills, kids screaming and leaving my apartment. Basically anything that means leaving, even getting the mail.

Manic States- I have 2 different kinds. First, massive cleaning spree without stopping. Second, I watch a series on Hulu or Netflix non-stop, read entire book series, write for hours (10-15).
TRIGGERS- The 1st manic state is triggered by unknown reasons. I have found that if I take Trazodone the next day I clean non-stop. The 2nd is caused by a long depression (2 weeks to 1 month) and some triggers I haven't found yet.

PTSD- I know it causes my night-terrors, jumpiness to doors slamming, and fear of someone breaking in. This is caused by the physical, sexual, mental and psychological abuse I endured from my mother's 1st husband.

I'll now explain what causes my PTSD...
My mom married her 1st husband when I was 6. They had dated since I was 3. The earliest thing that I now known is signs of abuse was being scared to be left alone with him. I remember one time my mom was taking my babysitter to the store and I had a temper tantrum, and hid in the car. I still had to stay home. Another is I could get out of being grounded by giving him a back-rub. Department of Human Services investigated the abuse but since mom didn't see it and he lied they dismissed the case. They were called in because I knew how to masturbate. Then it became him calling me all kinds of names (bitch, slut, cunt, stupid, idiot). I blocked out the sexual abuse until after I was 25 years old. He threw me through a double pane window when I was 13.
Now you're asking where my mom was. Well,  she thought that no man would want her since she had me out of wedlock. She was 18 when she had me and was raised Roman Catholic. In here mind my step-father was her only choice and she defended him at every turn.

I am the opposite, I refuse to NEED a man for anything, maybe not all the time. My boyfriend offers to help with bills and stuff but I refuse and ask for a massage instead.

This post is the first time I have told my story to more than a few friends and my mental health providers.

Long Time No See!

It's been quite awhile since I've posted. I know I was to do Indie Author blog posts every week but, my health has been an issue.
I'll run it down short and sweet.
I had my mammogram as I do every year. They sent me for an ultrasound, then to a breast specialist. Breast specialist did an ultrasound and sent me for an MRI. Now on Tuesday I will be going in under anesthesia for a biopsy of my lymph node under my left arm. This is freaking me out. I'm 44, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer at age 36 in her let breast and lymph nodes. At 44 it returned and at 47 she died. My anxiety has been horrible and my moods are all over the place. I'm lacking focus. All I keep thinking about is not making it to see my baby graduate next year and what is going to happen to her and my 21 year old son. Then of course I think about the doctor telling me that I will NEED to where a supportive bra after surgery. NO! I only have 1 and I barely wear it, plus it will rub right where they are going to cut me open. After I was told about the surgery, I received a letter reminding me it's time for my colonoscopy. I've had polyps removed in the past. One more health issue to cause anxiety.
Now my son is another issue going on. I haven't heard from him since December. No call or text for Christmas, my birthday or even Mother's Day.

On the good side of things. My daughter has a job, she'd 17 if you keep track, my grandbabies, Arya and Aiden are now 4 and having Nama, me, read Harry Potter most nights on Skype. Though Dr. Seuss has came into the picture a few nights over the last 2 weeks. And yes they know when I skip a word in any book. They can read Harry Potter by themselves but want me to read it cause I make the different voices. No they have not seen the movies. Their dads haven't introduced them to electronics yet, except for "Bear in the Big Blue House" DVDs I bought them. 2 hours a week watching. Their nannies take them to the park, museums, botanical garden and on Tuesdays they go to a nursing home and play with the elderly. I am so proud of their dads and of them. I just wished I lived closer but I'm glad their is Skype.

Okay enough of my complaining and sad news. I'll try and update you all soon.

Is It Still January?

I am amazed it is still January. For some reason it feels like this month is going fast when it's not. It could be because I have had a week of good days.

MEDICAL:
I found out I have to take an extra inhaler so I can keep the bronchitis and pneumonia away. Then they added prednisone to the mix. I now take 11 pills in the morning and 8 at night. I really wanted to get off more meds but I guess it'll take longer to do that.
Kiddo-2 came home last weekend and cleaned the house. Yes, the whole house. I have kept up with the cleaning too. I cooked homemade chicken-n-dumplings and chicken-noodle soup.  That fed us for 5 days all together and you can't even tell I cooked when looking at my kitchen. Everything is cleaned up. PREDNISONE at it's best. I also have had to return to the chiropractor due to the pain in my shoulders and hips. I lasted 8 months without going. I think the weather change has caused it. By Tuesday I'll be back to normal, I hope.

WEATHER:
With a "white shit that falls from the sky" storm coming into my area tomorrow I had to stock up on a few things to make it with less anxiety. I grabbed soda, milk, eggs, bread, a steak, veggies, salad stuff, ice cream, snacks, fish and a frozen pizza.

 Frig is completely full, freezer is almost full. hen I have all my writing snacks ready to go for my marathon writing days. Should be about 2 full days of words. For me this shopping trip was not normal. I usually don't buy snacks or frozen food stuff. I bet you are wondering what meals I'll be making... Beef fajitas, tacos, steak, salads, pizza and ice cream.

WRITING:
With 4-8 inches of white crap supposedly going to fall, staying warm, munching and writing is what I really need to do. I really want to get beyond 65k words on CoT2. If I can do that I can finish it before CampNaNoWriMo April.
UPDATE: CoT-1 has been handed over to a few friends to read. Then I should only have 2 round of edits left.

I have all of January's Indie Author of the Week posts done. One for February is also done. Now you just have to wait until Saturdays.


*Happy Writing & Happy Reading*

It's February!

As we enter into the second month of 2018, I'm looking at what is to be done. Being bipolar with anxiety and arthritis this month sucks. January I completed only a few tasks out of 25. I managed to read A book, cook meals, kept up with dishes and folded laundry when it was brought home. Things I didn't get done that NEEDED to be done: read 5 books, write every day, lose 2 pounds, cut back on soda, drink more water, cut down on smoking and staying calm when kiddo-2 acts out.

I know what you are thinking, I wanted to do more than I should have. Though I think all were reasonable. I'm not too upset I didn't complete January's to do list. This month will be better I hope.

Mental Issues
1. I went to therapy and just bitched about kiddo-2's behavior. Mainly the fact that when I try to remove myself from the situation she follows me, even outside. Therapist had no ideas for me, as usual.
2. I saw my shrink. We decided that I could go 2 months between visits rather than 1. I was also given the go ahead to wean myself off the primidone. That means dropping from every night to every other night for 2 weeks then off them completely. As I have said before my shrink has the confidence in me to control my meds myself. I tried to go off  keppra, but that didn't work well. That means I am staying on it. So far the primidone cut hasn't given me trouble.
3. I managed to socialize with my neighbor, lets call her P. P had an incident that I know will effect her forever. I went through it a long time ago. We hadn't talked much other than the hello in passing. Now we talk 4-5 times a week. She has bipolar, OCD and anxiety too.
4. I made several healthy dinners and made sure there was leftovers to take to my other neighbor, the shut-in. Lets call him S. S doesn't like being around anyone and he doesn't cook other than toss it in the oven crap. I just knock, he answers and I hand him the container. That's it. I go home... walk 3 steps to my door.

Writing
I didn't even come close to me writing goals. I started Midnight Whispers over and am stuck. I tried to edit Dalara and just couldn't get into it. I had hoped to have at least 10,000 words done. Though with everything going on I understand why. When I'm stressed I can't focus and I'm trying something new with Midnight Whispers. Oh, and I've been sick for 2 months or more. Now that I'm better focus should come soon.
Here is my February goals:
1. Re-setup Scrivener for Midnight Whispers
2. Write 15,000 words of Midnight Whispers.
3. Edit at least 2 chapters of Dalara.
4. Get Inevitable Destinyz off to a beta reader & editor.
5. Research self-publishing again
6. Get Aeon Timeline set up for Midnight Whispers


Reading
I finished "When Darkness Comes"  by Alexandra Ivy. It's the 1st in her Guardians of Eternity series. I have read it several times and I love it more each time. This month I plan on reading the next 4 in the series.

Other Goals
1. Make freezer meals (Feb. 2nd & 3rd)
2. Cut down o soda
3. Drink more water
4. Keep the living room clean
5. Crochet a bit

That seems a lot but it really isn't. I know if I set my mind to them all I can get them all done. Remember, when setting goals make them small and simple. Even 1 small thing completed will make you feel better.

The New Year

Today is the first day of the new year. Many are planning on making changes in 2018 & hoping for things to change n the world. No matter what we do 2018 can be a start of something different. I have never done a New Years Resolution but this year I'm going to try.



Writing/Reading

• Write 150 words daily (2017- 250 words)
• CampNaNoWriMo - April & July 25k words each (2017 completed)
• NaNoWriMo- November 50k words (2017 completed)
• Blog at least twice a month
• Goodreads Reading Challenge 100 books (50-100 yearly & make it)

Eating Habits

• Eat healthy with more home-cooked meals (2017- too much pizza & chips)
• Cooking- Make crock-pot freezer meals every month (2017- Only 2 months)
• Drink more homemade fruit infused water (2017- drank too much soda)

Hygiene/ Mental Health

• Take showers every other day (2017- bathed every night but washed hair once a week)
• Take medication every day (2012-2017 completed) Medisafe app helps
• Keep all therapy & shrink appointments (2015-2017 completed)

Cleaning

• Do dishes every day (2017- once or twice a week)
• Vacuum once a week (2017- twice a month)
• Fold laundry when it's done (2017- folded once a month)

As you can see my goals are not to hard for normal people. I'm not normal at all. With bipolar I have a hard time doing things like housework and cleaning. Add to it that when I don't clean for a day I get anxious and have no idea where to start or I start something (like dishes) and never finish them.

Prep-Tober Time!

What is prep-tober you ask. It's the October which is the month to prepare for November's NaNoWriMo (50,000 words in 30 days). This means I will be setting up my NaNo project, researching and planning all kinds of other crap. It's also Breast Cancer Awareness Month, which my mom died from breast cancer. So, STRESS is going to be high. Then add in kiddo-2's issues and kiddo-1 constantly getting hurt by accident (torn ACL, car accident & spraining his ankle). I'm gonna split up each issue in this post.

Prep-Tober

I have begun to get my characters in order with names, DOB's, likes, dislikes, etc. Aeon Timeline is started as well. I have the start of my species and DOB's put in as well as the start point of the story.  Next step is to set up my Scapple mind-mapping.
This story is going to be about non-sparkling vampires and shifters mixing with humans. Always fun. I'm not really sure how the species are going to mingle but they will at some point. Since I'm a pantser (non-planner), I never know where the characters will take me in the end. I know there will be certain humans that can mate and have offspring to each species. How this will happen or how they know is still lost on me.
Working title is  'Midnight Whispers'. My main characters are Abigail (human) & Elyan (vampire). Elyan owns and runs a security firm named 'Trinity Security'. His business hires only the best: shifters, military, NSA, CIA, FBI, and martial arts experts to train. Abigail is a labor & delivery nurse at the major hospital. She works 40-80 hours a week and has little time for anything outside work. Elyan becomes infatuated with Abigail. She's leery about him, of course.

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month!

My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when she was 36. I was 18 and didn't know what was really happening because she hid most of it from me. I knew she was having chemo but she had no side-effects. 9 years and 9 months after she was deemed in remission it struck again. They hadn't put it in total remission, it spreed to her liver and brain. I split from my husband at the time, moved in with her, her husband and my 2 kiddos. My son was 5 and my daughter almost 1. My step-father worked, I went to school and took care of my mom's appointments and treatment. After a year, the cancer was so wide-spreed in her brain the chemo would do nothing and radiation wasn't working. Mom decided to stop treatments. Even though it killed me, I supported her choice. It only took 3 months for her to pass. I kept her home until  a few days before her birthday, which was Nov. 14th. We put her in a hospice type long term care. 2 weeks later, the day after Thanksgiving she passed. Exactly 2 weeks after her 47th birthday. 

Since I was 29 I had to wait a year before my insurance allowed mammograms. I have had them once a year for 14 years now. A few years they had me doing them every 6 months. This means I've had 18 mammograms before I was 41. I have been finally cleared to go 18 months between, unless they find something. I have many fibroids that it makes it difficult to read the mammograms.

PLEASE get your boobs squished. 

Recommendation is 1st mammogram  at 40 and every 2-5 years after that. I have breast cancer on both sides of my family tree so I'm at higher risk. My daughter will be getting her 1st one at age 20, this is because my mother was so young when she first had hers and my daughter tested positive for the inherited gene as I have. We have also been told to get pap smears yearly since there is a higher chance of us getting ovarian or cervical cancer. 

Stress

My daughter thinks she's 'in love'  with a boy that's 20 and she's only 15. He's been convicted of  a class D felony and is facing charges for a class C felony. It's illegal for them to have sex, though they have admitted they had sex last November, which means she was only 14 at the time. There is nothing I can do to keep them apart unless I catch them having sex or she tries to run away with him. Though today she has told me that she wants to go out for the drill team and help out at the largest haunted house in Iowa. She's worked the haunted house for the past several years. Her counselor says her getting involved with these activities might help her stay away from the boy. Since he is out for preliminary, meaning he is under house-arrest. He has no phone nor internet so there will be no contact, but I worry all the same.

My son, 20 years old, has had a hard year bringing me down with him. April 30th he tore his ACL playing basketball, July 21st he was in a major car accident, and now he sprained his ankle playing basketball. He was off work for awhile, I bought food and helped him out with getting his bills paid. He's bipolar and non-medicated at the moment. Imagine 2 bipolar people in the same place for long periods at time, especial when they usually set each other off. Yes, I take my meds daily as ordered but he doesn't. It sets off my anxiety and a depressive mood. It took me a week, a full week, to get dishes done. I'm hoping that now things have settled down and he's back to work I'll be able to get back on track.

Another stress is that my disability hearing should be coming up in the next few months and I'm worried that they will find some reason to deny me again. I haven't been able to work for almost 10 years now. Add to that we have a unit by unit inspection for house cleaning in a few weeks.

That's what's going on. I'm handling it much better than I thought I would. Many are impressed that I haven't hurt anyone yet. Today I managed to get most of the kitchen clean and yesterday I cleaned my room. It's progress and I'll take it. Every accomplishment is an achievement. Bipolar, depression and anxiety is a day to day, minute to minute living. 

Another Loss

Yesterday I lost another great woman in my life. Leone was a second grandma to me since I was old enough to remember. I played with her granddaughter & grandson all the time.

Every time I was in her house I felt the love and acceptance. Leone never judged and always forgave no matter what.

I remember her making homemade play dough when we were bored, teaching us to bake all kinds of cookies. She taught me tons of gardening tips and ideas. I learned most of the names of flowers that would grow well here in Iowa.

I'm going to miss the welcome smile and hug I got every time I walked in her door. I'll miss stopping by when my mom passed and Leone held me while I cried for hours. She made me feel loved and helped me move past my loss when everyone else told me to 'get over it'.

She was the rock in her family and all that knew her.

Leone lived a long life full of love and family. Countless grandchildren, great-grandchildren, even great-great-grandchildren. All she ever wanted for us is to have happy lives. I have that in aspects to family.

She never spent much time with my kids, but always wanted pictures and she got them of both my kids every time they had new ones taken. Anytime I had new pictures of us she was the first to get them then my own small family.

My heart aches and tears have fallen but in my heart I know she is at peace and pain free. This gives me joy.

I will not attend her funeral because of the hundreds of people that will be there to celebrate her life. I just can't handle it. The thought I won't be there hurts me. So, today I am taking a break from social media and spending time with my kids.

My Leone rest in peace and all who knew who understand her life was fulfilled and it was her time.

I love you  grandma Leone.

Mental Illness Sucks

Living with bipolar and anxiety or any mental illness isn't easy.

I am diagnosed with mild OCD (obsessive control disorder), severe anxiety and bipolar disorder. I am not suicidal but homicidal. I have urges to kill or mangle people that have caused rage. I have never acted on these feelings but probably would if I wasn't medicated.

I have been told that I'm lazy and not worth a thing since I can't or refuse to work. It's all in my head and I should just get over it. Mental illness is not something many people without it understand. So here is how my days are.

I get up at around 9am and take four medication Lamitctal, Clonidine, Zyrtec, Naproxen, 2 for bipolar 1 for allergies and 1 for pain. I sit and make a list of what I am to do that day. I have never completed a list, most items are basic household cleaning like shower, dishes and vacuuming. I stare at my computer screen not focusing on whatever Netflix show I'm re-watching for the 100th time. Between noon and 3pm I force myself to make something to eat, usually a mile high salad. Salads are my go to fast making meal. Kiddo-2 gets home and does homework. Once she's done she goes out until 10pm. That means I am alone for dinner every night. When she leaves I try to make it to the shower but usually only take a fast bath, not washing my hair. Washing hair seems like it will take too long, though it's about a 3 minute task. So, it's back to staring at Netflix thinking how useless I am. This increases my anxiety because I know I need to do something and just can't.  At 9pm I take 4 more medications, Clonidine, Montelluska, birth control & Naproxen. I then take 3 more bipolar and anxiety medications, Primidone, Keppra & Quetiapine at 10pm. While I wait for the last to kick in I fix my bed for sleep and turn on my fan. Between 11pm - 12am I finally get to go to bed.

When I HAVE to leave the house (even to check the mail), I have to take 2 PRNs, Saphris and migraine one (emergency medications if you don't know). My body shakes and the cold sweats kick in. When my kiddo-1 or my ex-mother-in-law take me somewhere the ride is much less stressful. Shopping once a month for groceries and household stuff is all I can manage. I have passed out at the store because too many people are in the isle or I've passed too many of them. Checking out the cold sweats hit more, usually cause there are too many people around and I'm freaking out that I forgot something. Most times I have someone take everything out to the vehicle so I can either sit down on the ground or smoke a cigarette, many times both. In the winter I have found myself on the ground in the snow. When I get home, kiddo-1 carries everything in and I put only cold stuff away. I'm so exhausted from the mood swings and anxiety I can't do anything else.
The day after shopping I cut, dice and chop all veggies (peppers, onions, mushrooms, celery, carrots and whatever else I bought). This is for the purpose of making it easier to toss food together so I don't have an anxiety attack because I have to cook. If I'm doing well or in a manic state (a state where I can't sleep and have to keep moving (cleaning OCD mostly), I brown hamburger with garlic & onion for spaghetti, goulash and things like that. I also cook up taco meat to freeze. Freezing these makes it fast to cook cause cooking hamburger takes so long. If I'm in an extreme manic state I toss together freezer meals. Check out my Pinterest (link is to the right) under crock pot meals & freezer meals for ideas. That's shopping week.

When I have a stable day I write or read. Sometimes I can get 4-7 days of this and I love it. However, I still have issues being around people. I force myself to visit 1 neighbor for an hour a week. Yes, I take a PRN before I walk out the door. This neighbor has 3 kids ages 11, 8 & 6. The 6 year old loves to give me hugs, his hugs relieve some anxiety and they are the best. Every time he sees me he runs over and hugs me. The best feeling ever.
My writing is usually paranormal, fantasy, romance. It's a therapy technique that therapists try with their patience. Ha! I started this long before therapy. It helps more than therapy. When I write I can go into a manic state and write for hours. It goes with reading as well. I HAVE to read an entire series before I can stop.

How my therapy goes...
I go in and sit down. Tell her everything that has pissed me off since my last visit and then we take about recipes. What the hell does that have to do with overcoming anxiety and my rage episodes? 35 minutes from walking into her office I leave. Yes I feel better until I see people in the waiting room and everything floods back into my mind.

Psychiatrist visits go like this...
I go in a bad mood. Get my weight and blood pressure (usually fine except weight). I talk to my shrink about my medications. She doesn't pressure me into anything. I'm usually the one that says I need something more or think I can drop something. She knows I know my body and brain better than her. I also know 90% of my triggers. This last visit she said I need to see all her patience and teach them how they need to stay on medications and log emotions, moods and thoughts until they find their triggers.  With this last visit I requested to go back on Keppra, I use it for sleep and to kill my uncontrollable thoughts. I had gone 3 nights with only 2 hours of sleep a night. My shrink allows me to tweek my medications depending on my moods as long as I let her know right away.

Many with bipolar disorders have several weeks or months of the same mood. In my case I have an extreme rapid cycling. I can go from depressed to rage and back in seconds. Going from manic to depressed is harder and takes longer to come down from it. Most times when I'm in a manic state I take an extra medication. My rage episodes can NOT be controlled. I have punched a supervisor, thrown stuff at a boss and just walked out of a job. The boss I threw stuff at was also bipolar but not diagnosed. Many times I flip it's caused by others and their moods. My friend has a mentally challenged boy that can set me off if he's in a bad mood.

Knowing your triggers is  great way to help control situations. My mood triggers are, the sociopath child that lives downstairs, bad news, kiddos not doing as told, kiddo-1 being around too much (he's un-medicated bipolar), stress about bills or money in general. My rage triggers have been unpredictable the last 2 years. My anxiety triggers are people, any people. Usually more than 1 I know being around.

How does all this effect my life?
I can't go out with friends, work, shop much, socialize, spend time outside, spend time with family and enjoy what used to be the best day of the week. I have not been to a holiday with family in 6 years. Saturdays I used to play cards with three friends but it has gotten to the point I can't. I am also able to diagnose many with mental issues and found the right medications for them. I have studied mental illness for 35 years.

Having a relationship with a significant other is usually a disaster and short lived. I'm lucky that I have a man that has been in my life since I was very little. We spend time together on weekends & have for a few years now. There are times I tell him he needs to leave and he understands. We have no delusions of what we have. Yes, he would love to live with my and my kid, support us and make sure we live well off. He also knows that I can't do that. I need to be able to be by myself when my mood needs it.

April Is Almost Here

This post will be split into 2 parts. One about me and 1 about CampNaNoWriMo.

My past few weeks have sucked. Kiddo-2 (15 yrs old) has decided she can miss curfew and not get punished. HA! Lets just say that I haven't had to clean anything in 2 weeks. She has been doing dishes, sweeping, vacuuming, mopping and dusting. Oh and her boyfriend takes out the trash!
My Kiddo-1 (19yr old) still hasn't figured out his budget so he has food in his house. Every day he walks from the other apartment building asking for something... Last night it was 2 slices of cheese and the use of my microwave to thaw meat because he forgot to take it out of the freezer. Being that I'm on a strict budget myself I have been out of bread and eggs for a week but yet he can't buy them for me. I added it up for this month, I have spent $59.29 on his food. Two days ago he said, "You don't do anything for me, why should I take you to the pharmacy?"
With all this going on, my bipolar seems to be fairly stable. No major rage episodes nor depression. Though the depression has subsided since Kiddo-2 is cleaning. My anxiety has been a little high still. I can't go outside unless I know who is out there or it's late at night so I don't have to deal with a ton of people in the store. I have even spent 3 hours 1 night a week at the neighbors just hanging out. She has 3 kids and watches 2 others. It doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would or as much as it has in the past.

CampNaNoWriMo
Camp starts on April 1st and I am ready. I can't wait to start the next novel that has been plaguing my thoughts and dreams for the last month. I have things all set up with my programs. Aeon Timeline and Scrivener are all ready to go! No I just have to wait until 12:00am April 1st.
Writing is going to keep me grounded and calm over the next month. It's one of the things I love about it, that and I get to tell a story and write about hot, sweaty, sexy, naked men.

Better Days!

This last week was stressful and emotional. I felt like everything was crashing around me. My health, my mental well-being and of course that effected my moods and house.

With chiropractor appointment, shrink, dentist, grocery shopping, therapist and ultrasound of breast my week was overwhelming.
The week before I was angered by the slightest event, the sight of a neighbor, slow loading internet... you get the point. It took all my energy to not hurt someone. After Tuesday with the shrink & adding a new medication to my regimen , I became lethargic & emotional. The rage wasn't there, which was a first in many months. However, anger & anger were.
Thursday, my therapist said she was worried about the anger and rage. Typical!
As Friday started, I cried, screamed and threw things. Since my mammogram came back abnormal I had an ultrasound on my breasts. I cried the whole time. My mom and my grandma died from breast cancer, so it hits hard. After 45 minutes the doctor came in, all is good, but they are going to watch 2 spots. All others are just cysts full of fluid.
*Please get your mammograms. It saves lives*
When I got home I had no idea what to do with the relief that had washed over me. All I could do is sit here and stare at the computer. My daughter had to remind me to eat, that's how far out of it I was.
Now, I'm hoping my next few weeks are calm and my body gets used to my new medication. I need to write more this week as well.

Summer Writing& Update

It's a beautiful summer and what am I doing? Not much. I've kept the house clean and that's about it. No writing and almost no reading, just OCD watching Netflix. I hate when I get in this phase. All I can focus on is the next episode...

CampNaNo is a struggle but I've been trying to get words written. This WIP (work in progress) has a slow start. Not sure how the characters are going to react so planning is not happening. I have set up my Timeline and Scrivener project for it.
I am hoping to finish CampNaNo so I can get the discount to purchase Aeon Timeline 2. It looks great and easier to use.

Now for psyc update....
Due to the drama here at the apartment complex my shrink has me at maximum dosage of all medications. I really wish I could afford to move because I don't think I should have to medicate more than normal because people can't stop gossiping.
I have also been denied disability and I'm in the process of appealing it. More stress. It shouldn't take too long since I have more doctors reports to add and they all say 'You should NOT work. You don't know your rage triggers and may never.'

What reading I have done:
Red Stone Security by Katie Reus
It's not my normal paranormal romance I read but I am hooked. Katie Reus keeps the pace of the plot moving. Each character has a unique history that makes relationships hard.

Back At It Finally

It had been over a year since I have posted here. I feel like I've been gone for over a decade.

The last year has been hectic and then some.

My son graduated high school last spring. He moved in with his dad, did 1 year of college and now decided to just work full-time. He has already gotten a raise in only 2 weeks!!!As of now I'm dealing with the fallout of his father trying to disown him. Yeah for me!
This year my little girl graduated middle school. In the fall my baby girl will begin her chapter of High School. It makes me feel old.

After my son moved out I had to move from a 3 bedroom to a 2 bedroom. Yep, that's right. I live in low income housing and 1 adult and 1 kid only gets a 2 bedroom, which I understand. I had to move on one of the hottest days last August. It about killed me. Now I'm in an apartment 2/3 smaller. I had to downsize a lot. After almost a year, we have finally settled in and I'm somewhat organized.

When my son moved out, quickly, I hadn't had time to adjust the loss of child support so I lost my internet and had to fork over a huge deposit for the 2 bedroom.

This month I finally am caught up and have enough stashed to pay 6 months of bills. That means internet too!!! It has been a long road but I have made it this far and my stress level has lowered.  Well, after yesterday.
Monday, I was to have internet. Well, the UPS driver decided, himself, that I needed to sign for the modem and he had come while I was gone. This, even after I called Friday to verify I didn't need to be here. I called the second I got home, they sent a message to the driver and he was not in the area. That meant I had to pay the neighbor to take me to pick it up. The office is 32 miles from my apartment.

When I got home I had to wait until 8pm. At about 8:30pm I plugged the modem and all that crap in....
It didn't work!
I call the internet company, they would send a tech out in the morning. So after waiting a year and getting my hopes up, I had to wait. These events sent me into a rage episode. I threw a bunch of things and put a whole in the wall AGAIN!
Tuesday morning the tech was here 9 minutes after the 9am-noon arrival time. In 10 minutes he had my internet up and running.
Guess what the problem was...
When they remodeled my apartment they hooked up all the phone jacks up backwards! WTF!!!
Friday he came back and replaced the jack. Hmm... still dropping internet for about a minute ever hours. Internet is still dropping out for a minute every so often which means the tech will be back on Monday to check the outside line.
I am online and getting back into my routine. Yes, I can live without internet in my home but once I was up and running a weight lifted off me. Probably because now my daughter won't complain all the time about not having WiFi.

Another thing that has me ticked a bit. My AC (air conditioner) leaks in the apartment and has since I moved in here last August. They have to replace the wall box it sits in. They ordered it finally two weeks ago. Guess what, it's back-ordered. So, last year I had to deal with it leaking cause I wasn't going to deal with the dry heat when we had it. This year wasps decided to build a lovely nest, so no AC right now. Luckily one of my neighbors let me stay in her apartment even when she's gone.

Working on @GetWordies writathon for CampNaNoWriMo next month. I can't wait to start my project July 1st. It's another project that has been haunting me for months. I'll be post excepts from past WIP (work in progress), Jasper's Mate, soon on my page 'My Writings'.

Turning 40!

As today approached I planned it to be just another day. I was wrong, today is my 40th birthday. A few years ago I thought I'd never make it this far. I look back over the last years and see I haven't accomplished anything worth while other than raising my beautiful kids.
When I was little I wanted to be an accountant, yes I have a masters in accounting. Due to medical reasons I can't work. So, I sit and write or clean. I feel like a failure.

My bipolar hasn't helped, I've been crying for a few reasons:
My son moved into his dad's when his dad hasn't been around for 15 of the 17 years
I'm 40 today
I fear others reading my novels I've written, not published
I fear I'll loose everything since I have very little money coming in
My van hasn't ran for a year.

On a positive note:
I spent hours with my dad (not a usual thing) last night. A great time.
I'm another day closer to getting my Disability
I'm still alive after cancer a few years back.

My self implied goals for this year is to self-publish at least one of my novels, to spend more time with my daughter, to eat healthier, not that we have junk food in the house, be more active in my religion(pagan) and to think positive.

There I wrote about how it feels to be 40.

Life is a Roller Coaster!

I have been a single mom since my oldest was 2 years old, though those two years felt like I was the only parent too. So, lets say I've been a single parent for almost 18 years now. I know that my son will start college in the fall and will move out. That's a given. I know this, I expect this.

Background:

My son's father has had almost nothing to do with him in the last 15 years. Maybe 5 minutes here and 10 minutes there, but that's about it. One year I totaled it together and it was four hours that year he saw my son. His father paid child support on time every week and was never late (bonus, many don't have that). The last 6 months his father has been seeing him every weekend. (I knew there was a plan)

Current:

Two months ago my son comes to me and says he's moving in with his dad when school is out. Okay, thinking that it would change in a month. (Dad isn't one to stick to things, more like cause disappointment). March comes and his dad calls me to discuss my son moving in with him. Wooooo! Hold the train. after talking for an hour, I agreed to allow it after graduation (May 24th). A week later my son says he's packing so he can take all of his stuff to his dad's. That is 10 weeks early. He continues to argue saying dad said I could move now. Well, doing what a good mom does, I called his dad. No, he hadn't told my son he could move NOW! Typical teen playing the parents. That got all settled. He'd be moving out May 23rd.
Two weeks later my son refuses to come home because he's scared of me, I beat him... I have never nor would I ever. I agreed to let him stay 1 more night and I cried the whole night. Next morning I start making phone calls. After finding a way to stay where I'm living with my girl and how I'd pay bills I called my lawyer. Then I called his dad and explained what I was willing to do. Joint custody with joint equal placement and no child support. The money was his issue of course.
It's a 35 minute drive to his dad's from the school. Really! With gas prices has high as they are, I didn't like it. Not to mention I had planned my money out so I could manage after graduation not that minute.

Fallout:

I feel as if I have failed my son. I thought I gave him everything he needed.Now I see I haven't. He has been the one kid I had 95% of the time and I'm lost. Those few months before he turns 18 (end of August) were the months I was going to let go a bit at a time. Now I don't have that.

I've cried. I've wished for my mommy (passed 2003), I wished for my grandpa (passed 1995) and I screamed, yelled and hit the door. Yeah I have to replace it now. The last week I have been up, down, and up again. My emotions were all over the place.

Plus Side:

On to the plus side... I noticed that  my girl and I have been more talkative since the move. We have planned meals that my son would NEVER eat and we had mommy/daughter time more than ever before. She's had always been a daddy's girl until the last year. Now she's a mommy's girl and I'm grateful for this time.

Plus, my son's dad is finding out how a teenager acts that doesn't take his medication and how difficult it is to punish him. Another bonus is that I will not have to pay for college, graduation party or any of that. It's all on his dad.

I have found support through Twitter and my friends on there, many writers. They have helped walk me through this. Guided me to a place that I am able to handle the situation better. Given me the strength to work on my CampNaNoWriMo project and smile. They have been my rock.

Now, working on my WIP-4 for CampNaNo, I find I have chosen am emotional character. One that issues from my younger years will come to light.  I'm continuing it whether or not it makes me cry.

What Am I Doing On Christmas Eve?

We don't celebrate Christmas in our house so I'm making cheesecakes for my friends' holiday celebrations. I've cleaned the living room, did dishes, swept floors and dusted. Then my ex-boyfriend messages me on facebook. He's in an emotional tornado and wants my help. Guess what I agree to. I have him coming over to talk. How stupid can I be. The only time we talk is when he is having problems. If I had a doctorate I'd be getting paid tons of money for this. Why do I always help him and a few others like him? Is it because I know I can or is it a deep seated wishing I had a boyfriend? I have learned from mistakes that I do NOT need a man to have a fulfilled life. My mom thought she needed to stay with an abusive man to be happy. It tore her heart out in the end. I knew then I would never need a man. I still ended up in a few relationships that were just for companionship.  Guess some of us have to learn from experience.

Well, my ex is coming over and I will talk with him. I'll remember all the reasons why we are no longer together and forbid myself to get attached again.

I'm going to spend the next week looking at my mistakes and triumphs to better understand myself. I need to lose weight, eat better and get a handle on my emotions before I fall apart. My resolution for 2015 will be:
Take meds every day(I do it now)
Exercise
Write
Read
Cook healthy meals
Not look out the window and wonder if the grass is greener on the other side
Talk to my kids rather than speak at them

These should help me with all my issues.

Look for excerpts after the new year. I promise you ate least one.

Happy Holidays!

Holidays What Happens When You're BROKE!

As Christmas and Yule approach I get more depressed. I wish I could give my kids things they want. Once again; I can't once again. Another year where they get toothbrushes, dental floss, mouthwash, and their favorite meals. They don't need clothes or much of anything fancy. they asked for iTunes cards (I don't pay for their phones their grandmas' do) and Austin needs bedding. I want household items, gas money and money to buy my personal things. I have bought clothes, undergarments or stuff like that for myself in years.All extra money goes to the kids. As it should.

To say it's hard being a single mother of 2 teens is an understatement. I'm unable to work and child support from one father isn't cutting. With 1 car that's my kids and the van sitting waiting to be fixed (if I had the money) it's tough. Now that Austin is playing basketball again getting my other one home after school is getting harder. I'm a recluse as it is but having to depend on friends to get me to the pharmacy is nerve racking to say the least. Soon the internet will have to go. Heart-breaking as it is I can't really afford it anymore. It's my lifeline to my fellow supportive authors and my kids' way to play games and talk with their friends they left behind when we moved 5 years ago. When the internet is gone I'll have nothing, to Netflix (we have no cable), no writing support and my kids will be saying 'I'm bored' all the time. It's heart breaking I have no family left to help.

I asked for help this year for the first time and since my kids are teens they won't help. A group in facebook thought they could help but everyone said that since the kids didn't want much and they won't buy for me that they won't help either. The kids will get things from their fathers' sides.

Too add to all this Austin need his senior pics printed and I have to toss together his open house. His father said he'd do it but I won't hold my breath. He did however have his wife take the pics, which I ended up having to edit, she did a shoddy job. It's cheaper than have them professionally taken since that would be $300+ and it'll cost me $48. $48 I don't have.

My ex-mother-in-law (mother to the one not paying child support) has helped so much the last few years I can't ask her for any more.

So, you are asking yourself "What is she gonna do?" I have no idea. I'll probably just muddle through and wish for the best hoping the kids don't get too upset and write to distract myself from it all.

On the good side, I made it through November without breaking down and crying for days. I finished NaNoWriMo and started another novel though none of my others are totally finished.

I wish all of you a happy holidays and warm times with family and friends.

Disappearing Into My Own World

As this month comes to an end, I look at all I have accomplished. Finishing NaNoWrimo was at the top of my list. That and fall cleaning my apartment. Now I'm feeling the loss of my mom. After 11 years you would think I'd function better than I am. Last year I did great, better than any other year. Now I'm struggling. I think it's because this year the dates are lined up as they were in 2003. Mom's birthday would have been the 14th and she died on the 28th, the day after Thanksgiving.

To make matters worse, I have people complaining that I'm refusing to go to any Turkey Day dinners (my kids are though). I don't like to socialize as it is, what makes them think I want to spend time with ones that remind me this time of year is my mom loved. I just want to drown in my writings. Writing helps me deal with all the stresses that come from being a single mother with little money.

I'm editing 'Dalara' and working on one without a title. No, it's not my NaNo one. The plot bunnies (something that keeps your mind running with ideas) are making it hard not to start another one. I have no idea where it's going but I'm liking it so far. I think it'll be the 3rd in the 'Tamesville' series.

As the weather here in Iowa grows cold snowy and windy, I am hurting. Many of my joints are inflamed, causing me pain. I wish I had the money to move south. My health gets worse as the temps drop and I can barely function. I hate not being able to do things with my kids. We usually sit watch Neflix or a movie, if we do anything at all together. They are gone over school breaks and weekends; Busy with friends and sports every other time.  At times I feel as if I'm failing them. Then I think other times I'm doing good. Neither of my teens lie, drink, smoke, do drugs, or anything teens experiment with. Curfews are always kept.

I signed up with Critique Circle. It's a web based site set up to help writers achieve their goals and better their writing. This will be a major step for me. I'm one who does not like other to read my work until my OCD thinks it perfect. My fear is as many new writers, the novel sucks. Hoping joining will push me past this.

I hope everyone has a happy holiday.

Reality Sucks

Over the last few weeks my life has taken a turn for the worst. Income has decreased and I'm behind on bills now. I just caught them up. And of course the teens in my house are being teens.

My depression state is trying to inch it's way back into my life. My house is a mess and too slowly getting cleaned. Then of course we have NaNoWriMo coming up and research is getting behind. I have the kitchen done and hoping it stays that way with the kids.

Slow-cooker freezer meals for the month are ready to assemble. 20 peppers of all colors, 10 onions and mushrooms sliced, diced and chopped. TIP: If you put your onions in the freezer for 10 minutes of frig for 3 hours, the element that makes us tear is less effective. Dinner is taken care of for tonight. Now if I can keep up this pace all week, I will be good.

My boy finally got his wisdom teeth pulled this last week. He thought it was gonna be easy with no pain... He now knows different. Lesson learned...Mom is always right. Ha Ha Ha!!!!

A good thing that has happened this last month....
My ex bought our son his 1st reliable car, fixed the few things on it and took care of his senior pictures(clothes too). This is the first time in 13 years he did anything for my boy. Now we have a reliable car and a broken down van.  Wish a 'Fix the Van' fairy would visit. I hate not being able to just up and leave. My son takes his car to school along with his sister.

I now have my days and nights fixed. Lets see how long that lasts. Probably til November when I do NaNoWriMo. 50k words in 30 days is gonna be crazy but I did it last year and I will do it again.