Holy Crap!

 Holy crap, it's been a year since I blogged. A ton has happened in my life that about tore me down all the way.

Last September I was admitted to the hospital because I couldn't breathe. With asthma and the beginnings of COPD I thought I just smoked too much that day. Well, now that my doctors looked at my x-rays last month they believe I had a mild case of covid-19. I stayed two nights in the hospital and have nebulizer treatments every four hours, massive IV antibiotics and pain killers. Right now I am down from 30-40 cigarettes a day to maybe 3 a week. I have been taking Chantix. I started in the middle of July. I can breathe better and I don't pant climbing the stairs (unless it's an anxiety attack).

Last August my son turned 22 and we had a wonderful dinner together. This is one of the few pictures I have with both my kids in it since 2014.

Austin & Alexia 8-27-2019

In December my baby girl turned 18 and got her 1st tattoo. Since she's afraid of needles I thought she wouldn't go through with it but she did and it turned out great.

Then in February I had an MRI and biopsy on my breasts. I also took the DNA test for all the hereditary cancers they can screen for. Lymph node had no sign of cancer and my DNA tests came back negative for all of them!

In June my baby girl graduated from High School! I am so proud of her. She made it even with her life falling apart (her words) from boy issues and loss of prom. If you notice the score board says 2020 all over. Thanks Voss Studio for the ceremony pictures.

July 7th my newest grandbaby was born healthy. Zaiden is so precious and he looks so much like his daddy did. I'm proud of the father my son has become. He has no problems with changing diapers.

Now it's almost October and I'm doing good, well good for me. I have been a bit depressed and my anxiety is high when I have to leave my apartment. I don't want to get sick and mask wearers around here, well not many. I don't care if they wear them or not but if they don't why do they have to brush up against me to grab something off the shelf?

My shrink and I have played with my medications a bit. I have stopped two of them and haven't seen a change in my rage or me throwing stuff (or not throwing stuff).

In the next month I'll be planning out my story for NaNoWriMo in November. I will be writing the 1st book in a new series that will be called "Theragrot Security". Yes it'll be shifters like the current series I'm working on but different. There will be no ancient ones. The oldest will be 500 years old if that.

I had to take a break from my current series because my characters want to bring someone back from the dead  (there were just hiding).

There you go, all caught up on my strange and crazy life.

It's Been Months

This will be short today; I'll just be updating a few things.

Breast Health:

I had my follow up mammogram and everything is great. After the biopsy all of the fluid cysts have seemed to disappear. There is NO trace they were even there. The DNA test for all kinds of hereditary cancers were NEGATIVE! I will now be back to every 6 months for mammograms until 2021. After that It'll be every 2 years if things stay good.

Mental Health:

My anxiety has been better since the downstairs neighbor passed away and her kids moved. I know that sounds bad but it's the truth. Another neighbor that caused some of my anxiety has also moved. I'm able to get my mail more than I used to.
My bipolar is still under control and no rage episodes for a few months.
My depression has been on and off. Like anyone else I have those ups and downs but I'm able to cope for now.
PTSD night terrors have settled down a bit. They appear at least three times a week instead of every night.
OCD is causing some anxiety. With the depressive days I can't seem to clean. I have been getting some if not all the dishes done which is one of the hardest things for me to do.

New medical conditions:

COPD has hit. I had a major flare up the 1st of the month. A 36 hour hospital stay, 4 nebulizer treatments every day until yesterday (now twice a day), steroids and new twice a day inhaler. My second follow up Monday was great. I'm back to 97% oxygen stats. I have also cut back on smoking big time. I was at about 35 cigarettes a day, now it's about 8 a day. Steroids were finished a few days ago. I seem to be better but I am keeping track of my breathing and adding 30 minutes of meditation breathing every day.

Other News:

Kiddo-1 has been a great help. After several months of ignoring me he has called twice a week and brought his new girlfriend over the other day. I even got to spend his birthday (22nd) with him for dinner. 

Kiddo-2 has been frustrating. She's back to not wanting to go to school again. I took her to her therapist in hopes that would get her to go only to find out she skipped yesterday. At 17 she is still getting good grades I just wish she'd get her butt to school. Planning Homecoming is happening as well as the Winter Formal. If you don't have or haven't had a teenage girl, trust me dress shopping is the worst. Trying on 15 dresses for both trips sucked.

I have started planning my NaNoWriMo 2019 project. I'm excited since it is the beginning of a new series. I have completed book 1 of my 1st series and hoping to publish in 2020. The 2nd-4th books are planned. I'm finishing up the 1st draft of the second and restarting the 3rd. The 4th is planned and even the 5th has started popping into my head.

I think that's it. Tell me about your health and adulting in the comments. I love seeing it all.

How Mental Health Effect My Days!

WARNING! This post may trigger those who have been abused.

This post will be totally scrambled due to a mini manic episode.

Depression- I can just sit in my chair ad stare at the computer screen, watching Hulu or Netflix. I can want to sleep all day (20hrs a day). I don't write, read or clean. I feel like a failure for not acting like an adult.
TRIGGERS- Seeing my place dirty, trouble paying bills, someone telling me I'm lazy and a few I can't remember what.

Anxiety- This is a tough one to explain. I shake, have trouble breathing, my heart-rate jumps, I have cold & clammy sweats, and afterwards I want to sleep for hours.
TRIGGERS- People, shopping, paying bills, kids screaming and leaving my apartment. Basically anything that means leaving, even getting the mail.

Manic States- I have 2 different kinds. First, massive cleaning spree without stopping. Second, I watch a series on Hulu or Netflix non-stop, read entire book series, write for hours (10-15).
TRIGGERS- The 1st manic state is triggered by unknown reasons. I have found that if I take Trazodone the next day I clean non-stop. The 2nd is caused by a long depression (2 weeks to 1 month) and some triggers I haven't found yet.

PTSD- I know it causes my night-terrors, jumpiness to doors slamming, and fear of someone breaking in. This is caused by the physical, sexual, mental and psychological abuse I endured from my mother's 1st husband.

I'll now explain what causes my PTSD...
My mom married her 1st husband when I was 6. They had dated since I was 3. The earliest thing that I now known is signs of abuse was being scared to be left alone with him. I remember one time my mom was taking my babysitter to the store and I had a temper tantrum, and hid in the car. I still had to stay home. Another is I could get out of being grounded by giving him a back-rub. Department of Human Services investigated the abuse but since mom didn't see it and he lied they dismissed the case. They were called in because I knew how to masturbate. Then it became him calling me all kinds of names (bitch, slut, cunt, stupid, idiot). I blocked out the sexual abuse until after I was 25 years old. He threw me through a double pane window when I was 13.
Now you're asking where my mom was. Well,  she thought that no man would want her since she had me out of wedlock. She was 18 when she had me and was raised Roman Catholic. In here mind my step-father was her only choice and she defended him at every turn.

I am the opposite, I refuse to NEED a man for anything, maybe not all the time. My boyfriend offers to help with bills and stuff but I refuse and ask for a massage instead.

This post is the first time I have told my story to more than a few friends and my mental health providers.

Long Time No See!

It's been quite awhile since I've posted. I know I was to do Indie Author blog posts every week but, my health has been an issue.
I'll run it down short and sweet.
I had my mammogram as I do every year. They sent me for an ultrasound, then to a breast specialist. Breast specialist did an ultrasound and sent me for an MRI. Now on Tuesday I will be going in under anesthesia for a biopsy of my lymph node under my left arm. This is freaking me out. I'm 44, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer at age 36 in her let breast and lymph nodes. At 44 it returned and at 47 she died. My anxiety has been horrible and my moods are all over the place. I'm lacking focus. All I keep thinking about is not making it to see my baby graduate next year and what is going to happen to her and my 21 year old son. Then of course I think about the doctor telling me that I will NEED to where a supportive bra after surgery. NO! I only have 1 and I barely wear it, plus it will rub right where they are going to cut me open. After I was told about the surgery, I received a letter reminding me it's time for my colonoscopy. I've had polyps removed in the past. One more health issue to cause anxiety.
Now my son is another issue going on. I haven't heard from him since December. No call or text for Christmas, my birthday or even Mother's Day.

On the good side of things. My daughter has a job, she'd 17 if you keep track, my grandbabies, Arya and Aiden are now 4 and having Nama, me, read Harry Potter most nights on Skype. Though Dr. Seuss has came into the picture a few nights over the last 2 weeks. And yes they know when I skip a word in any book. They can read Harry Potter by themselves but want me to read it cause I make the different voices. No they have not seen the movies. Their dads haven't introduced them to electronics yet, except for "Bear in the Big Blue House" DVDs I bought them. 2 hours a week watching. Their nannies take them to the park, museums, botanical garden and on Tuesdays they go to a nursing home and play with the elderly. I am so proud of their dads and of them. I just wished I lived closer but I'm glad their is Skype.

Okay enough of my complaining and sad news. I'll try and update you all soon.

Is It Still January?

I am amazed it is still January. For some reason it feels like this month is going fast when it's not. It could be because I have had a week of good days.

MEDICAL:
I found out I have to take an extra inhaler so I can keep the bronchitis and pneumonia away. Then they added prednisone to the mix. I now take 11 pills in the morning and 8 at night. I really wanted to get off more meds but I guess it'll take longer to do that.
Kiddo-2 came home last weekend and cleaned the house. Yes, the whole house. I have kept up with the cleaning too. I cooked homemade chicken-n-dumplings and chicken-noodle soup.  That fed us for 5 days all together and you can't even tell I cooked when looking at my kitchen. Everything is cleaned up. PREDNISONE at it's best. I also have had to return to the chiropractor due to the pain in my shoulders and hips. I lasted 8 months without going. I think the weather change has caused it. By Tuesday I'll be back to normal, I hope.

WEATHER:
With a "white shit that falls from the sky" storm coming into my area tomorrow I had to stock up on a few things to make it with less anxiety. I grabbed soda, milk, eggs, bread, a steak, veggies, salad stuff, ice cream, snacks, fish and a frozen pizza.

 Frig is completely full, freezer is almost full. hen I have all my writing snacks ready to go for my marathon writing days. Should be about 2 full days of words. For me this shopping trip was not normal. I usually don't buy snacks or frozen food stuff. I bet you are wondering what meals I'll be making... Beef fajitas, tacos, steak, salads, pizza and ice cream.

WRITING:
With 4-8 inches of white crap supposedly going to fall, staying warm, munching and writing is what I really need to do. I really want to get beyond 65k words on CoT2. If I can do that I can finish it before CampNaNoWriMo April.
UPDATE: CoT-1 has been handed over to a few friends to read. Then I should only have 2 round of edits left.

I have all of January's Indie Author of the Week posts done. One for February is also done. Now you just have to wait until Saturdays.


*Happy Writing & Happy Reading*

News Years Day 2019!

2018 has ended and 2019 has begun. Many of us are looking back at what we accomplished in 2018 and what we want to accomplish in 2019. I'm no different, I have been looking back and to the future.

In 2018 I accomplished more than I thought I would with my writing. I finished CoT-1 and CoT-1.5. Two rounds of edits on CoT-1 and have several people reading it now. Letting others read my work was scary and I'm still very anxious to get their feedback. My shrink has read both I completed and she loves them, but she may just be telling me that to make me feel good. I have found a permanent title to my series, it will be Chronicles of Thamesonville. I have won both CampNaNoWriMo and NaNoWriMo 2018. My 13 year old neighbor girl won her NaNoWriMo through the Young Writers Program with encouragement from me. I think her winning made me feel more proud of her than myself.
I also completed my Goodreads Reading Challenge for 2018. 85 books in 365 days was more than I thought I'd get read with my mental acting up again.

I have found a way to connect with my daughter and she has opened up about everything. Being 17 now, it is not something I expected.

In 2019 I hope to complete the following:
1. Publish CoT-1
2. Write CoT-2 (started at 12:15am 1-1-2019) & CoT-4
3. Draw a map for CoT
4. Start a new series
5. Continue fighting for disability
6. Eat healthier-though salads every day already
7. Keep up with blog posts. Will talk about that later in this post.
8. Try and get outside more
9. Win NaNoWriMo 2019 & CampNaNo 2019 (both)
It doesn't seem like much to most people but you have to remember writing can take forever. CoT-1 took 6 years to get it to where it is. Add in the pressure of both CampNaNoWriMo and NaNoWriMo itself, writing is stressful.

New blog posts coming every week: 
"Indie Author of the Week"
I will be choosing independent (indie) authors who self publish or publish through a small company to promote. I will not receive compensation or free swag from any of them.
After Cockygate I found many new indie authors and I now wish to spread the word of others. I shall not be reading ALL of the books but using their websites, Goodreads and sale sites to gather information to pass along to you. Many of these authors have been recommended to me by friends and fellow authors. If you have any indie authors you wish to be featured post links to author website in the comments.

It's That Time Again

I finally finished Dalara a few weeks ago. My beta readers have it. I also completed the novella that come after it. Yes, I've been busy. The novella needs a few changes but will be off to the beta readers soon. You would not believe the feeling I got when I finished. I was excited and jumping up and down for a few minutes. Then I dove into the novella, Tasmina. The the anxiety hit, I really sent Dalara off to others. Someone is reading it and OMG! What if they hate it and I suck? So, I decided to get ready for CampNaNoWriMo, takes place in April. With CampNaNo, I can work on current projects or new ones, unlike NaNoWriMo in November. I have completed transferring over the information from Tasmina over to Naleena. I do this so I can keep track of character changes and places added. It's so simple with Scrivener. All I have to do is drag and drop from one project to another. Then I set up a new parent group on Aeon Timeline. For this all I had to do was a few clicks and some words. With Aeon I have all the projects of the series  there, as you can see here.

You can see that each story of assumed story is lined up in order of when I think they should happen. I will probably change them around or change who is involved with those after Naleena. Each event that I write about will get placed in as below shows for Dalara.

I have a few notes written out and ready to go but this is what my desktop looks like.

 

Now I just need words on the page. Remember to sign up for CampNaNo during March. I usually do it around the 7th.

I support all third party software and apps I share but am not compensated for sharing or reviewing them.

It's February!

As we enter into the second month of 2018, I'm looking at what is to be done. Being bipolar with anxiety and arthritis this month sucks. January I completed only a few tasks out of 25. I managed to read A book, cook meals, kept up with dishes and folded laundry when it was brought home. Things I didn't get done that NEEDED to be done: read 5 books, write every day, lose 2 pounds, cut back on soda, drink more water, cut down on smoking and staying calm when kiddo-2 acts out.

I know what you are thinking, I wanted to do more than I should have. Though I think all were reasonable. I'm not too upset I didn't complete January's to do list. This month will be better I hope.

Mental Issues
1. I went to therapy and just bitched about kiddo-2's behavior. Mainly the fact that when I try to remove myself from the situation she follows me, even outside. Therapist had no ideas for me, as usual.
2. I saw my shrink. We decided that I could go 2 months between visits rather than 1. I was also given the go ahead to wean myself off the primidone. That means dropping from every night to every other night for 2 weeks then off them completely. As I have said before my shrink has the confidence in me to control my meds myself. I tried to go off  keppra, but that didn't work well. That means I am staying on it. So far the primidone cut hasn't given me trouble.
3. I managed to socialize with my neighbor, lets call her P. P had an incident that I know will effect her forever. I went through it a long time ago. We hadn't talked much other than the hello in passing. Now we talk 4-5 times a week. She has bipolar, OCD and anxiety too.
4. I made several healthy dinners and made sure there was leftovers to take to my other neighbor, the shut-in. Lets call him S. S doesn't like being around anyone and he doesn't cook other than toss it in the oven crap. I just knock, he answers and I hand him the container. That's it. I go home... walk 3 steps to my door.

Writing
I didn't even come close to me writing goals. I started Midnight Whispers over and am stuck. I tried to edit Dalara and just couldn't get into it. I had hoped to have at least 10,000 words done. Though with everything going on I understand why. When I'm stressed I can't focus and I'm trying something new with Midnight Whispers. Oh, and I've been sick for 2 months or more. Now that I'm better focus should come soon.
Here is my February goals:
1. Re-setup Scrivener for Midnight Whispers
2. Write 15,000 words of Midnight Whispers.
3. Edit at least 2 chapters of Dalara.
4. Get Inevitable Destinyz off to a beta reader & editor.
5. Research self-publishing again
6. Get Aeon Timeline set up for Midnight Whispers


Reading
I finished "When Darkness Comes"  by Alexandra Ivy. It's the 1st in her Guardians of Eternity series. I have read it several times and I love it more each time. This month I plan on reading the next 4 in the series.

Other Goals
1. Make freezer meals (Feb. 2nd & 3rd)
2. Cut down o soda
3. Drink more water
4. Keep the living room clean
5. Crochet a bit

That seems a lot but it really isn't. I know if I set my mind to them all I can get them all done. Remember, when setting goals make them small and simple. Even 1 small thing completed will make you feel better.

The New Year

Today is the first day of the new year. Many are planning on making changes in 2018 & hoping for things to change n the world. No matter what we do 2018 can be a start of something different. I have never done a New Years Resolution but this year I'm going to try.



Writing/Reading

• Write 150 words daily (2017- 250 words)
• CampNaNoWriMo - April & July 25k words each (2017 completed)
• NaNoWriMo- November 50k words (2017 completed)
• Blog at least twice a month
• Goodreads Reading Challenge 100 books (50-100 yearly & make it)

Eating Habits

• Eat healthy with more home-cooked meals (2017- too much pizza & chips)
• Cooking- Make crock-pot freezer meals every month (2017- Only 2 months)
• Drink more homemade fruit infused water (2017- drank too much soda)

Hygiene/ Mental Health

• Take showers every other day (2017- bathed every night but washed hair once a week)
• Take medication every day (2012-2017 completed) Medisafe app helps
• Keep all therapy & shrink appointments (2015-2017 completed)

Cleaning

• Do dishes every day (2017- once or twice a week)
• Vacuum once a week (2017- twice a month)
• Fold laundry when it's done (2017- folded once a month)

As you can see my goals are not to hard for normal people. I'm not normal at all. With bipolar I have a hard time doing things like housework and cleaning. Add to it that when I don't clean for a day I get anxious and have no idea where to start or I start something (like dishes) and never finish them.

Prep-Tober Time!

What is prep-tober you ask. It's the October which is the month to prepare for November's NaNoWriMo (50,000 words in 30 days). This means I will be setting up my NaNo project, researching and planning all kinds of other crap. It's also Breast Cancer Awareness Month, which my mom died from breast cancer. So, STRESS is going to be high. Then add in kiddo-2's issues and kiddo-1 constantly getting hurt by accident (torn ACL, car accident & spraining his ankle). I'm gonna split up each issue in this post.

Prep-Tober

I have begun to get my characters in order with names, DOB's, likes, dislikes, etc. Aeon Timeline is started as well. I have the start of my species and DOB's put in as well as the start point of the story.  Next step is to set up my Scapple mind-mapping.
This story is going to be about non-sparkling vampires and shifters mixing with humans. Always fun. I'm not really sure how the species are going to mingle but they will at some point. Since I'm a pantser (non-planner), I never know where the characters will take me in the end. I know there will be certain humans that can mate and have offspring to each species. How this will happen or how they know is still lost on me.
Working title is  'Midnight Whispers'. My main characters are Abigail (human) & Elyan (vampire). Elyan owns and runs a security firm named 'Trinity Security'. His business hires only the best: shifters, military, NSA, CIA, FBI, and martial arts experts to train. Abigail is a labor & delivery nurse at the major hospital. She works 40-80 hours a week and has little time for anything outside work. Elyan becomes infatuated with Abigail. She's leery about him, of course.

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month!

My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when she was 36. I was 18 and didn't know what was really happening because she hid most of it from me. I knew she was having chemo but she had no side-effects. 9 years and 9 months after she was deemed in remission it struck again. They hadn't put it in total remission, it spreed to her liver and brain. I split from my husband at the time, moved in with her, her husband and my 2 kiddos. My son was 5 and my daughter almost 1. My step-father worked, I went to school and took care of my mom's appointments and treatment. After a year, the cancer was so wide-spreed in her brain the chemo would do nothing and radiation wasn't working. Mom decided to stop treatments. Even though it killed me, I supported her choice. It only took 3 months for her to pass. I kept her home until  a few days before her birthday, which was Nov. 14th. We put her in a hospice type long term care. 2 weeks later, the day after Thanksgiving she passed. Exactly 2 weeks after her 47th birthday. 

Since I was 29 I had to wait a year before my insurance allowed mammograms. I have had them once a year for 14 years now. A few years they had me doing them every 6 months. This means I've had 18 mammograms before I was 41. I have been finally cleared to go 18 months between, unless they find something. I have many fibroids that it makes it difficult to read the mammograms.

PLEASE get your boobs squished. 

Recommendation is 1st mammogram  at 40 and every 2-5 years after that. I have breast cancer on both sides of my family tree so I'm at higher risk. My daughter will be getting her 1st one at age 20, this is because my mother was so young when she first had hers and my daughter tested positive for the inherited gene as I have. We have also been told to get pap smears yearly since there is a higher chance of us getting ovarian or cervical cancer. 

Stress

My daughter thinks she's 'in love'  with a boy that's 20 and she's only 15. He's been convicted of  a class D felony and is facing charges for a class C felony. It's illegal for them to have sex, though they have admitted they had sex last November, which means she was only 14 at the time. There is nothing I can do to keep them apart unless I catch them having sex or she tries to run away with him. Though today she has told me that she wants to go out for the drill team and help out at the largest haunted house in Iowa. She's worked the haunted house for the past several years. Her counselor says her getting involved with these activities might help her stay away from the boy. Since he is out for preliminary, meaning he is under house-arrest. He has no phone nor internet so there will be no contact, but I worry all the same.

My son, 20 years old, has had a hard year bringing me down with him. April 30th he tore his ACL playing basketball, July 21st he was in a major car accident, and now he sprained his ankle playing basketball. He was off work for awhile, I bought food and helped him out with getting his bills paid. He's bipolar and non-medicated at the moment. Imagine 2 bipolar people in the same place for long periods at time, especial when they usually set each other off. Yes, I take my meds daily as ordered but he doesn't. It sets off my anxiety and a depressive mood. It took me a week, a full week, to get dishes done. I'm hoping that now things have settled down and he's back to work I'll be able to get back on track.

Another stress is that my disability hearing should be coming up in the next few months and I'm worried that they will find some reason to deny me again. I haven't been able to work for almost 10 years now. Add to that we have a unit by unit inspection for house cleaning in a few weeks.

That's what's going on. I'm handling it much better than I thought I would. Many are impressed that I haven't hurt anyone yet. Today I managed to get most of the kitchen clean and yesterday I cleaned my room. It's progress and I'll take it. Every accomplishment is an achievement. Bipolar, depression and anxiety is a day to day, minute to minute living. 

Middle of July

CampNaNoWriMo July edition is half over and I have already reached my goals. The sad thing is that it'll all get archived and forgotten, probably for years. It sucks, I hate it but at least I got words down. With that said I have come up with a novella series and I'm working on it. This series will out of my norm cause it's not about shifters but non-sparkly vampires. They will be fast paced and of course have naughty-naughty scenes. I might even self-publish these before I do anything else. Yes, I haven't published anything yet, truth be told only 1 person has read my works. Though it is understandable with my anxiety and OCD (obsessive compulsion disorder). I hyper-ventilate just thinking about someone reading my stuff.
So far the main characters are named; banana, orange and plum. I haven't found a name that fits their personality yet.

SO, with all that said, why do I write?

Well, I started out writing for my daughter and to keep me busy without a job or internet. Kiddo-2 read Twilight in kindergarten. By the time she was in 2nd grade there were almost no books she could read that didn't have sex in it. I wrote and wrote for over a year and ended up with over 180k words. Once I started reading more I found a new genre to write and with a lot of sex. I've gone back over my 1st work and it'll take tons of editing. Too many main characters and their situations. I just haven't found a way to split it up since it all happens at the same time and I love my characters.
My adult characters are keeping me fairly sane and it's the reason why I am still writing. Like I've said before writing is a thing therapists suggest for certain things. For  me, it helps. I have met others it doesn't work.

Update on Kids

Kiddo-2 is spending time with grandma and hasn't been too bad. She calls every day and we talk. We have agreed she has to  spend a weekend home this month and she chose the last one of course. I talked to her supposed-ex-boy-friend and jumped his shit for what he did while kiddo-2 was hiding. She is going to therapy and talking to the behavioral therapist as well. She really wants to come home and be the girl I knew before this last November.

Kiddo-1 has just begun to kiss my butt. After over a month he decides he needs his mommy. Yep, I knew it was coming. He has apologized for causing trouble and of course he needed help buying food. Yes, I've helped him a tiny bit but nowhere near as much as I did before everything happened.  I have split feelings about him being in my life. I love him, there is no question in that. I just don't know if I can trust him. I'll make an effort to keep him in my life as long as he continues on his current choice. He has admitted that his un-medicated bipolar played a part in the whole situation. This was something I already knew but for him to admit it was a huge step. He has set up an appointment for the end of the month to get back on meds. I'm not holding my breath that he'll take the pills but I can hope.

Disability- Money-Bills

My disability claim should be going to court in the next couple of months. I know I'll end up getting it but it is stressful. I check my e-mail several times a day hoping that my attorney has sent me a date for court. I wish it had already been approved since the system messed up my paperwork for state assistance for the 3rd time in the last 18 months. I usually get the money on the 1st of every month but for July I haven't received anything yet and won't until the 24th. Luckily my ex-MIL helped out with bills. I'll pay her back when I get the money. I'm hoping soon this crap will be done with and I won't have to worry about the paperwork every 3 months.

Neighbors

This apartment complex sucks ass. I have an anxiety attack every time I have to take out my trash or check the mail. I have been waiting until dark to do either. Though this last week I sat outside with 1 neighbor and her kids... well kiddo-1 was out there too. Staying inside cause of idiots isn't healthy but soon I'll be able to afford a different place. I try and go over to one neighbors once a week for a bit and have kept to it for 5 weeks.

I am not a doctor or therapist, seek a medical professional if you have thoughts of suicide, homicide, or any other health issues. My words should not replace a professional's advice.

Mental Illness Sucks

Living with bipolar and anxiety or any mental illness isn't easy.

I am diagnosed with mild OCD (obsessive control disorder), severe anxiety and bipolar disorder. I am not suicidal but homicidal. I have urges to kill or mangle people that have caused rage. I have never acted on these feelings but probably would if I wasn't medicated.

I have been told that I'm lazy and not worth a thing since I can't or refuse to work. It's all in my head and I should just get over it. Mental illness is not something many people without it understand. So here is how my days are.

I get up at around 9am and take four medication Lamitctal, Clonidine, Zyrtec, Naproxen, 2 for bipolar 1 for allergies and 1 for pain. I sit and make a list of what I am to do that day. I have never completed a list, most items are basic household cleaning like shower, dishes and vacuuming. I stare at my computer screen not focusing on whatever Netflix show I'm re-watching for the 100th time. Between noon and 3pm I force myself to make something to eat, usually a mile high salad. Salads are my go to fast making meal. Kiddo-2 gets home and does homework. Once she's done she goes out until 10pm. That means I am alone for dinner every night. When she leaves I try to make it to the shower but usually only take a fast bath, not washing my hair. Washing hair seems like it will take too long, though it's about a 3 minute task. So, it's back to staring at Netflix thinking how useless I am. This increases my anxiety because I know I need to do something and just can't.  At 9pm I take 4 more medications, Clonidine, Montelluska, birth control & Naproxen. I then take 3 more bipolar and anxiety medications, Primidone, Keppra & Quetiapine at 10pm. While I wait for the last to kick in I fix my bed for sleep and turn on my fan. Between 11pm - 12am I finally get to go to bed.

When I HAVE to leave the house (even to check the mail), I have to take 2 PRNs, Saphris and migraine one (emergency medications if you don't know). My body shakes and the cold sweats kick in. When my kiddo-1 or my ex-mother-in-law take me somewhere the ride is much less stressful. Shopping once a month for groceries and household stuff is all I can manage. I have passed out at the store because too many people are in the isle or I've passed too many of them. Checking out the cold sweats hit more, usually cause there are too many people around and I'm freaking out that I forgot something. Most times I have someone take everything out to the vehicle so I can either sit down on the ground or smoke a cigarette, many times both. In the winter I have found myself on the ground in the snow. When I get home, kiddo-1 carries everything in and I put only cold stuff away. I'm so exhausted from the mood swings and anxiety I can't do anything else.
The day after shopping I cut, dice and chop all veggies (peppers, onions, mushrooms, celery, carrots and whatever else I bought). This is for the purpose of making it easier to toss food together so I don't have an anxiety attack because I have to cook. If I'm doing well or in a manic state (a state where I can't sleep and have to keep moving (cleaning OCD mostly), I brown hamburger with garlic & onion for spaghetti, goulash and things like that. I also cook up taco meat to freeze. Freezing these makes it fast to cook cause cooking hamburger takes so long. If I'm in an extreme manic state I toss together freezer meals. Check out my Pinterest (link is to the right) under crock pot meals & freezer meals for ideas. That's shopping week.

When I have a stable day I write or read. Sometimes I can get 4-7 days of this and I love it. However, I still have issues being around people. I force myself to visit 1 neighbor for an hour a week. Yes, I take a PRN before I walk out the door. This neighbor has 3 kids ages 11, 8 & 6. The 6 year old loves to give me hugs, his hugs relieve some anxiety and they are the best. Every time he sees me he runs over and hugs me. The best feeling ever.
My writing is usually paranormal, fantasy, romance. It's a therapy technique that therapists try with their patience. Ha! I started this long before therapy. It helps more than therapy. When I write I can go into a manic state and write for hours. It goes with reading as well. I HAVE to read an entire series before I can stop.

How my therapy goes...
I go in and sit down. Tell her everything that has pissed me off since my last visit and then we take about recipes. What the hell does that have to do with overcoming anxiety and my rage episodes? 35 minutes from walking into her office I leave. Yes I feel better until I see people in the waiting room and everything floods back into my mind.

Psychiatrist visits go like this...
I go in a bad mood. Get my weight and blood pressure (usually fine except weight). I talk to my shrink about my medications. She doesn't pressure me into anything. I'm usually the one that says I need something more or think I can drop something. She knows I know my body and brain better than her. I also know 90% of my triggers. This last visit she said I need to see all her patience and teach them how they need to stay on medications and log emotions, moods and thoughts until they find their triggers.  With this last visit I requested to go back on Keppra, I use it for sleep and to kill my uncontrollable thoughts. I had gone 3 nights with only 2 hours of sleep a night. My shrink allows me to tweek my medications depending on my moods as long as I let her know right away.

Many with bipolar disorders have several weeks or months of the same mood. In my case I have an extreme rapid cycling. I can go from depressed to rage and back in seconds. Going from manic to depressed is harder and takes longer to come down from it. Most times when I'm in a manic state I take an extra medication. My rage episodes can NOT be controlled. I have punched a supervisor, thrown stuff at a boss and just walked out of a job. The boss I threw stuff at was also bipolar but not diagnosed. Many times I flip it's caused by others and their moods. My friend has a mentally challenged boy that can set me off if he's in a bad mood.

Knowing your triggers is  great way to help control situations. My mood triggers are, the sociopath child that lives downstairs, bad news, kiddos not doing as told, kiddo-1 being around too much (he's un-medicated bipolar), stress about bills or money in general. My rage triggers have been unpredictable the last 2 years. My anxiety triggers are people, any people. Usually more than 1 I know being around.

How does all this effect my life?
I can't go out with friends, work, shop much, socialize, spend time outside, spend time with family and enjoy what used to be the best day of the week. I have not been to a holiday with family in 6 years. Saturdays I used to play cards with three friends but it has gotten to the point I can't. I am also able to diagnose many with mental issues and found the right medications for them. I have studied mental illness for 35 years.

Having a relationship with a significant other is usually a disaster and short lived. I'm lucky that I have a man that has been in my life since I was very little. We spend time together on weekends & have for a few years now. There are times I tell him he needs to leave and he understands. We have no delusions of what we have. Yes, he would love to live with my and my kid, support us and make sure we live well off. He also knows that I can't do that. I need to be able to be by myself when my mood needs it.

April Is Almost Here

This post will be split into 2 parts. One about me and 1 about CampNaNoWriMo.

My past few weeks have sucked. Kiddo-2 (15 yrs old) has decided she can miss curfew and not get punished. HA! Lets just say that I haven't had to clean anything in 2 weeks. She has been doing dishes, sweeping, vacuuming, mopping and dusting. Oh and her boyfriend takes out the trash!
My Kiddo-1 (19yr old) still hasn't figured out his budget so he has food in his house. Every day he walks from the other apartment building asking for something... Last night it was 2 slices of cheese and the use of my microwave to thaw meat because he forgot to take it out of the freezer. Being that I'm on a strict budget myself I have been out of bread and eggs for a week but yet he can't buy them for me. I added it up for this month, I have spent $59.29 on his food. Two days ago he said, "You don't do anything for me, why should I take you to the pharmacy?"
With all this going on, my bipolar seems to be fairly stable. No major rage episodes nor depression. Though the depression has subsided since Kiddo-2 is cleaning. My anxiety has been a little high still. I can't go outside unless I know who is out there or it's late at night so I don't have to deal with a ton of people in the store. I have even spent 3 hours 1 night a week at the neighbors just hanging out. She has 3 kids and watches 2 others. It doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would or as much as it has in the past.

CampNaNoWriMo
Camp starts on April 1st and I am ready. I can't wait to start the next novel that has been plaguing my thoughts and dreams for the last month. I have things all set up with my programs. Aeon Timeline and Scrivener are all ready to go! No I just have to wait until 12:00am April 1st.
Writing is going to keep me grounded and calm over the next month. It's one of the things I love about it, that and I get to tell a story and write about hot, sweaty, sexy, naked men.

First Post of The Year

The last several months have been hell on earth in my life. I have made progress in coping with everything.

Anxiety level dropped yesterday when I found out the cysts in my breasts are just that and not cancer 🙌. The thought of cancer had me shaking and anxious for the last 4 months.

Money 💰is still an issue since my hearing for disability isn't for at least another 6 months. The process is long and dragged out but I understand. I know many people that have tried to get it and are able to work. The process saves tax payers money and keeps lazy people off of it. There it is the word 'lazy'. The last few months I have been called that for not working. HA! If I could work I would. There are days I wish my illnesses away just so I can get a paycheck I earned. Yes, that's right, I want to work. Doctors tell me it's not possible. My legs keep swelling, my arthritis is in more joints than before, my anger & rage is not always under control & my anxiety around people is worse. The pain of it every day gets worse but I manage. I could work, my opinion, not the doctors. If I even try to get a job it's blocked by several of my doctors. Then you have the people that say 'why didn't you fight it before now?' Well, I didn't have enough wrong with me to fight with appeals and that would have made it impossible to apply for disability until 2019.

Enough of that. My writing has been slow and a chore. Today is the first day since Nov. 20th 2016 that I have been able to write and I can see my skills are a little slacking. I'm going to push myself to write tonight and every day for the next 30 days. I want to write at least 500 words a day. In preparation today I set up my faithful Aeon Timeline 2© for the new story-line and I have many ideas written down in a notebook📒. Scrivener© is set up as well. Now all I need to do is put those notes into a story. Easier said than done. My mind won't focus for long periods of time and the words don't seem to come. I can picture the scenes in my head but the words are lost. Here is what I know:

• How the species🐺 began
• First 18 chapters of characters
• When it starts (2011)
• Ages of characters (18-20,000+yrs old)
• What is happening in the first 2 chapters
• The species' history
• Laws
• Hierarchy

What I need to know:

• Professions of characters
• Likes & dislikes of characters
• Ceremonies' process

Once I have that I should be able to write it without many issues. Though my mind keeps jumping back to the previous series I was working on. This new one has no connection to that series and is making it hard.

NaNoWriMo Has Started

As with every November 1st, I am knee deep in words. 50,000 words in 30 days is challenging but fun. Though this year is hard. Not only has my 19 year old son decided to stay with me until he can find an apartment my daughter is having depression issues as well. Here's the rundown:

Kiddo-1 moved in with a girl he knew for only 2 months, that lasted 2 weeks. He is bipolar, un-medicated at that. He's not really being adultish, tossing fits when I tell him he has to buy things for the house or help with bills. My place looks like a tornado went thru here and the mess is causing my to lash out. Typical OCD/Bipolar even with meds. My dishes were ALL dirty yesterday and a friend came over and did them. This hadn't happened since kiddo-1 moved out.

Kiddo-2 is having episodes of depression and anxiety. She is now medicated, something I never thought I'd have to do with her. It's for the best I know but at first I felt like a failure. Her grades dropped for a few weeks. She is now back on track and it makes me feel better and she feels better.

For me it's stressful having kiddo-1 here but I can't let him sleep in his car. I am making it work the best I can. My issues are that I can't keep anything clean, can't write when kiddos are floating around this small 2 bedroom apartment and I have no space with kiddo-1's things all over the place. Add in that I have had to fill out paperwork for an apartment for him... in the building next to mine. He bitches when I have him sign papers. I had the offer to move back to the 3 bedroom but I can't handle an un-medicated bipolar in my home. All that is needed for him to move in is a bank statement and the apartment to be cleaned and painted. Hoping for move in date in 2 weeks if not sooner. Then I have to call the church and see if they can help with the deposit for him. All this and my normal issues, writing tons of words this month and trying to feed 3 when I have barely enough to feed 2. I tore a muscle and tendon in my shoulder so I have to be careful with my dominant arm.

Grocery shopping usually happens on the 2nd, today, but kiddo-1 had to work and my ex-mother-in-law broke her shoulder. So now I have to wait until I have a ride and someone to help carry everything in, up to the second floor. We have an apartment inspection next week which means I must clean the place OCD style and make sure we can find everything.

Now for my NaNoWriMo WIP (work in progress)... I'm ahead on it and feeling like it's gonna be good. Here's an excerpt....

Lynell was running through the woods as fast as she could carrying her young. She knew they were coming for her, to take the baby away and impregnate her again. They were using females as breeders and sending the young off. After weeks of planning she finally escaped with a few other females, though she hadn’t seen any of them for days. Another branch smacked her in the face while holding the little one as close to her body as she could. Stopping near a small stream Lynell inhaled trying to smell if they were still following her and if so how close. Sighing in relief, Lynell walked to the edge of the water. Setting the little one down on soft sandy bank, she drank the water as fast as she could. Not knowing when it’ll be available again. The water was icy since it was still spring and made her feel hopeful, if only for a second.
The little one started wailing, he was hungry. Lynell picked him up and put him to her breast. It was a good thing, she thought, that there was no looking for his food. She washed the cloth she was using as a diaper. Once done she closed her eyes hoping to get an hours rest. 
When Lynell woke, the sun had begin to peek over the horizon, she had slept for hours. Quickly feeding the little one she took off running again. With the sleep she got she was energized but had allowed those chasing her to get closer to her. Not that she knew if they were still after her. She couldn’t take the chance. 
Coming across an abandoned shed, Lynell hurried inside and found a old dusty bed. Knowing she shouldn’t leave the little one alone but needed to find herself some food; she placed him down and quietly left. It didn’t take her long to find water again. Shifting for the first time in days she managed to catch a few rabbits and returned to the shed in less than half an hour. Shifting back she curled up with the little one and fell asleep.

***********

An early morning run was one of Drew’s favorite things to do, plus he had to patrol his land. As Alpha of a small pack he needed to. After his relocation the Council, the ruling wolves, demanded; he was still getting used to the land and smells. Over three months and now the scents changed with spring coming. New growth, melting snow and more animals running around. When he first caught the scent he thought it was just a regular wolf or fox. Inhaling deeper he found it to be a wolf shifter. One not of his pack. Following the trail it led off his property. No shifter was allowed into an Alpha’s territory without permission, so he followed it. Just because his land ended didn’t mean his territory did. Five miles off property the scent was strong, only seconds old. Speeding up he lost it and ended up backtracking. Near an old falling down shed the scent was strong and the wolf was still there. That’s when he heard it, a baby cry. What the hell would a wolf bring a human baby out here, he thought. 
Shifting and slowly approaching the shed he, caught the scent, the baby was no human but a wolf pup. He didn’t want to scare the female, females were very protective of their young and she would try and fight him. Looking into what once held a window he saw a young female sleeping with the pup in her arms. She looked dirty and must have been exhausted because she hadn’t woken to his presence or the pup crying. 
Drew walked around to the door and crept in. Once standing above the female he used his Alpha commanding voice, “Get up!”
She jumped grabbing the pup and holding it close. Without looking up she tried to run. Drew cut her off and growled. She immediately dropped to her knees.
“What is your name female? And what are you doing in my territory?”
He watched the female clutch the pup even closer, almost squishing it to death.
“I am Lynell Lora Pritt, Alpha. I didn’t know I was in your territory, Alpha.”
“What are you doing out here with a pup so young?” He had noticed the pup was barely whelped or born as humans call it.
“Please don’t send me back, I beg of you.”
“What are you talking about? Your Alpha doesn’t know you left?”
“Please don’t. He’ll take my pup and mate me again.”
Drew was trying to put her words together so he understood them. Was she really saying her Alpha was raping her and steeling the pups? It was against law to mate with one under the age of twenty-two. This female was barely eighteen if he was judging correctly.
“Come, you need a shower, clean clothes and a meal.”
“You won’t send me back, Alpha?”
“Not until you tell me everything. Now come.”
He led led her back to the Alpha house. They didn’t talk. He was still trying to wrap his head around what she had said. Why would an Alpha do what she said? Was her story true or was it a lie. Usually he could sense a lie but she smelled of dirt and the forest. 
Zaran, his Beta, was approaching and he saw Lynell hug the pup closer as if it would be taken from her. 
“That’s just my Beta. You are safe.”
As Zaran stood before them, “Alpha, what is going on?”
“I’m not sure yet. For now we are protecting this female and her pup.”
“Very well. I’ll continue your patrol.”
“Good.” Zaran left and Drew ushered Lynell inside. The kitchen smelled of sausage, eggs, bacon and toast. Aisley was cooking breakfast. He had brought Aisley with him when he was moved. She had been his house female for years. The second she saw Lynell and the pup she rushed around the island.
(c) 2016 Jessica Dewater

Have a great month and enjoy life's little things!

NaNoWriMo Prep in Full Swing

Prepping for NaNoWriMo is hard for a pantser. With each step I want to write. I have my Aeon Timeline & Scrivener all set up. With each plot I come up with I get excited and want to write again. Research is done, as much as I can anyway. I think I learned more about weapons from the 1700's & 1800's than I learned about science in math in high school.

Here is my main planner steps.

• Figure out if it will be one of my series.
• Figure out what characters will be bouncing around. 
• Find character pictures for inspiration
• Make a playlist to get motivated
• Research whatever I think is needed.
• Try and find characters that will be in but on the sidelines.
• Take notes when something comes to mind.
• Name characters.
• Make out bios and back history for characters if needed.
• Plan meals.
• Plan snacks for my long days of writing.
• Get house cleaned so no distractions. 
• Set time limits for Facebook, Twitter, etc.
• Try not to write (hard as heck).

Here is what I wrote when I got up this morning. It has nothing to do with NaNoWriMo but I was inspired. It is political so beware. I usually don't post about politics but this one just came to me.

Morning Thoughts

I am NOT normal so this post won't be either.
HYPOTHETICALLY in the future....
Lets say I just got out of bed, my brain wanted to grab a penis. Not sure who's penis but non the less a penis.
Now lets say I actually left the house and saw a hot sweaty, sexy half dressed guy with a penis (most guys have them). This guy is just walking along, well more like strutting (you get the point). Say I walk over to him say 'Hi' & grab his penis. He doesn't like it and calls the police.
"Miss, what do you think you were doing? You can't go around grabbing a man's junk."
"Officer, President Donald Trump said grabbing pussy was okay so I grabbed me some penis."
"That is not what he said."
"Officer, I have all of his debates on my computer, a USB and burned to a disc."
"What you did was sexual harassment not 'locker room talk'."
"I see a half dressed sweaty guy right." I point to the guy. "He was just in a man's locker room, at least it looks like it to me."
"I see your point, you may go."
This teaches us that t's a two way street.
Just think men who want Trump as president, a disgusting drugged up female may just walk up to you and grab your penis. She'd get away with it.
Women just think a nasty, dirty, drugged out guy could walk up to you daughters and grab them some pussy and of course he'd get away with it.
Get your heads out of your asses and see the truth.

That's it for politics.

Now to planning more. I want to get a few more secondary characters bios done. So off I go.

August & September Sucked!

I thought all my problems had been lessened, but NO! I've had more stress, rage & anxiety in the past 4 weeks than I have all year.
My son's grandmother got all pissed off because wanted to take a trip to Ohio from Christmas/Solstice. I was called every name you can think of, told I ruined my kids' lives and never to contact 'MY SON'. My son, the good man he is now, confronted her and she kicked him out. The next day after leaving me tons of nasty messages, she went to his work. Yep his work. Begged him to come back. He did but put a deposit down on an apartment before he did. She is now leaving messages saying that I ruined his life and he can't live on his own... Ha! He's 19 for crying out loud.
It took me weeks to realize that nothing was my fault and I raised a responsible, respectful young man.With that all settled, I will be changing my phone number when my son moves into his apartment the 1st of October. I have no need to contact her or vise versa.
My therapist told me I am doing the right thing. My shrink added another medication to help me sleep more since the one I was on wasn't helping.

That was all of August... now for September

My daughter came home last Sunday, didn't say one word to me the entire night. Monday she came home from school early because she was so depressed she couldn't stand it. After an hour she finally opened up and told me what happened. Her father told her & her sister that he was doing meth. Yeppers, meth. My 1st thought was why the hell did he tell a 18 and 14 year old this. Then the rage set in. I wanted to kick his ass into next year. I held it together until I was alone. My daughter and I talked about it all, how she was feeling, what options she had and what she wanted me to do.
I told her that if she and her sister wanted I would call the police, they still haven't decided. Though they agreed to have no contact with him. I called my daughter's therapist and she saw her Friday. Her therapist said I did everything and more than a mother should do. Since I had felt helpless all week this made my week. My daughter doesn't need medication right now and she talked about it.  I have to admit, I spoiled her most of the week. Made her favorite foods, cuddled with her and kept telling her that what her father was doing was NOT her fault.
The weekend got better because a guy I have been crushing on since I was younger came over and we had a great weekend.
This next week should be awesome, it's homecoming week here and my daughter is excited. They have different silly dress-up days all week and the dance on Saturday. It's her first year in high school so it's a big deal. I asked her if she was going with a boy. Her answer was, 'Why? I don't need one to go to a dance. I'm going alone so I can show them all what they are missing and will never have.' That's my girl.

Better Days!

This last week was stressful and emotional. I felt like everything was crashing around me. My health, my mental well-being and of course that effected my moods and house.

With chiropractor appointment, shrink, dentist, grocery shopping, therapist and ultrasound of breast my week was overwhelming.
The week before I was angered by the slightest event, the sight of a neighbor, slow loading internet... you get the point. It took all my energy to not hurt someone. After Tuesday with the shrink & adding a new medication to my regimen , I became lethargic & emotional. The rage wasn't there, which was a first in many months. However, anger & anger were.
Thursday, my therapist said she was worried about the anger and rage. Typical!
As Friday started, I cried, screamed and threw things. Since my mammogram came back abnormal I had an ultrasound on my breasts. I cried the whole time. My mom and my grandma died from breast cancer, so it hits hard. After 45 minutes the doctor came in, all is good, but they are going to watch 2 spots. All others are just cysts full of fluid.
*Please get your mammograms. It saves lives*
When I got home I had no idea what to do with the relief that had washed over me. All I could do is sit here and stare at the computer. My daughter had to remind me to eat, that's how far out of it I was.
Now, I'm hoping my next few weeks are calm and my body gets used to my new medication. I need to write more this week as well.

Stress of a Bipolar

Never say "I can't get any worse." Because it can. This week has proven it.

Monday I had my yearly mammogram. Yes it hurt, but it's a necessary for me. My son got hurt at work and has cuts & scrapes all over his face, arms and legs.

Tuesday radiology called and said they needed more angles and a ultrsound. I get to wait a week & a half before I can get the tests done.

Wednesday I had my blood tests for everything you can imagine. Found out my PAP from the week before, came back abnormal and I'll have to have them done every 3 months until it's normal. Blood tests are good except my white count cells. Which means I go back on antibiotics & antivirals. This means my bipolar meds and mood stabilizers will work less. I had to send my daughter back to her grandma's because I won't know when an anger episode will hit.

How I'm dealing with it...
I'm not. My mom and paternal grandma died from breast cancer and I'm a cervical cancer survivor.  I can't focus. So far I have watched Charmed since Monday. It's seems to make me feel a bit better.
I have written very little. Though I have plotted several books out, if I ever get to writing again. I'm glad I finished CampNaNoWriMo before all this hit. I managed 30k in 20 days.


There have been a few good things in the last week:
Saturday: My daughter and her friends, my gaggle of giggling girls, spent a night. I love having them here, they talk to me about everything from friends to sex to things they shouldn't do. It makes me feel great they feel they can open up like that to me.
My son and his friend were also here. They were in and out of the apartment but, took me to the store.
Both groups of kids gave me hugs every time they came in and out. Hugs make you feel better.
A good thing is I have the money to pay ALL my bills for next month without borrowing. That relieves some of my stress. I also have a bit in savings still. You can't imagine how much a little thing like being able to pay bills.

Today I felt a little better and made up beef stew in the crockpot.