Middle of July

CampNaNoWriMo July edition is half over and I have already reached my goals. The sad thing is that it'll all get archived and forgotten, probably for years. It sucks, I hate it but at least I got words down. With that said I have come up with a novella series and I'm working on it. This series will out of my norm cause it's not about shifters but non-sparkly vampires. They will be fast paced and of course have naughty-naughty scenes. I might even self-publish these before I do anything else. Yes, I haven't published anything yet, truth be told only 1 person has read my works. Though it is understandable with my anxiety and OCD (obsessive compulsion disorder). I hyper-ventilate just thinking about someone reading my stuff.
So far the main characters are named; banana, orange and plum. I haven't found a name that fits their personality yet.

SO, with all that said, why do I write?

Well, I started out writing for my daughter and to keep me busy without a job or internet. Kiddo-2 read Twilight in kindergarten. By the time she was in 2nd grade there were almost no books she could read that didn't have sex in it. I wrote and wrote for over a year and ended up with over 180k words. Once I started reading more I found a new genre to write and with a lot of sex. I've gone back over my 1st work and it'll take tons of editing. Too many main characters and their situations. I just haven't found a way to split it up since it all happens at the same time and I love my characters.
My adult characters are keeping me fairly sane and it's the reason why I am still writing. Like I've said before writing is a thing therapists suggest for certain things. For  me, it helps. I have met others it doesn't work.

Update on Kids

Kiddo-2 is spending time with grandma and hasn't been too bad. She calls every day and we talk. We have agreed she has to  spend a weekend home this month and she chose the last one of course. I talked to her supposed-ex-boy-friend and jumped his shit for what he did while kiddo-2 was hiding. She is going to therapy and talking to the behavioral therapist as well. She really wants to come home and be the girl I knew before this last November.

Kiddo-1 has just begun to kiss my butt. After over a month he decides he needs his mommy. Yep, I knew it was coming. He has apologized for causing trouble and of course he needed help buying food. Yes, I've helped him a tiny bit but nowhere near as much as I did before everything happened.  I have split feelings about him being in my life. I love him, there is no question in that. I just don't know if I can trust him. I'll make an effort to keep him in my life as long as he continues on his current choice. He has admitted that his un-medicated bipolar played a part in the whole situation. This was something I already knew but for him to admit it was a huge step. He has set up an appointment for the end of the month to get back on meds. I'm not holding my breath that he'll take the pills but I can hope.

Disability- Money-Bills

My disability claim should be going to court in the next couple of months. I know I'll end up getting it but it is stressful. I check my e-mail several times a day hoping that my attorney has sent me a date for court. I wish it had already been approved since the system messed up my paperwork for state assistance for the 3rd time in the last 18 months. I usually get the money on the 1st of every month but for July I haven't received anything yet and won't until the 24th. Luckily my ex-MIL helped out with bills. I'll pay her back when I get the money. I'm hoping soon this crap will be done with and I won't have to worry about the paperwork every 3 months.

Neighbors

This apartment complex sucks ass. I have an anxiety attack every time I have to take out my trash or check the mail. I have been waiting until dark to do either. Though this last week I sat outside with 1 neighbor and her kids... well kiddo-1 was out there too. Staying inside cause of idiots isn't healthy but soon I'll be able to afford a different place. I try and go over to one neighbors once a week for a bit and have kept to it for 5 weeks.

I am not a doctor or therapist, seek a medical professional if you have thoughts of suicide, homicide, or any other health issues. My words should not replace a professional's advice.

Turning 40!

As today approached I planned it to be just another day. I was wrong, today is my 40th birthday. A few years ago I thought I'd never make it this far. I look back over the last years and see I haven't accomplished anything worth while other than raising my beautiful kids.
When I was little I wanted to be an accountant, yes I have a masters in accounting. Due to medical reasons I can't work. So, I sit and write or clean. I feel like a failure.

My bipolar hasn't helped, I've been crying for a few reasons:
My son moved into his dad's when his dad hasn't been around for 15 of the 17 years
I'm 40 today
I fear others reading my novels I've written, not published
I fear I'll loose everything since I have very little money coming in
My van hasn't ran for a year.

On a positive note:
I spent hours with my dad (not a usual thing) last night. A great time.
I'm another day closer to getting my Disability
I'm still alive after cancer a few years back.

My self implied goals for this year is to self-publish at least one of my novels, to spend more time with my daughter, to eat healthier, not that we have junk food in the house, be more active in my religion(pagan) and to think positive.

There I wrote about how it feels to be 40.

Life is a Roller Coaster!

I have been a single mom since my oldest was 2 years old, though those two years felt like I was the only parent too. So, lets say I've been a single parent for almost 18 years now. I know that my son will start college in the fall and will move out. That's a given. I know this, I expect this.

Background:

My son's father has had almost nothing to do with him in the last 15 years. Maybe 5 minutes here and 10 minutes there, but that's about it. One year I totaled it together and it was four hours that year he saw my son. His father paid child support on time every week and was never late (bonus, many don't have that). The last 6 months his father has been seeing him every weekend. (I knew there was a plan)

Current:

Two months ago my son comes to me and says he's moving in with his dad when school is out. Okay, thinking that it would change in a month. (Dad isn't one to stick to things, more like cause disappointment). March comes and his dad calls me to discuss my son moving in with him. Wooooo! Hold the train. after talking for an hour, I agreed to allow it after graduation (May 24th). A week later my son says he's packing so he can take all of his stuff to his dad's. That is 10 weeks early. He continues to argue saying dad said I could move now. Well, doing what a good mom does, I called his dad. No, he hadn't told my son he could move NOW! Typical teen playing the parents. That got all settled. He'd be moving out May 23rd.
Two weeks later my son refuses to come home because he's scared of me, I beat him... I have never nor would I ever. I agreed to let him stay 1 more night and I cried the whole night. Next morning I start making phone calls. After finding a way to stay where I'm living with my girl and how I'd pay bills I called my lawyer. Then I called his dad and explained what I was willing to do. Joint custody with joint equal placement and no child support. The money was his issue of course.
It's a 35 minute drive to his dad's from the school. Really! With gas prices has high as they are, I didn't like it. Not to mention I had planned my money out so I could manage after graduation not that minute.

Fallout:

I feel as if I have failed my son. I thought I gave him everything he needed.Now I see I haven't. He has been the one kid I had 95% of the time and I'm lost. Those few months before he turns 18 (end of August) were the months I was going to let go a bit at a time. Now I don't have that.

I've cried. I've wished for my mommy (passed 2003), I wished for my grandpa (passed 1995) and I screamed, yelled and hit the door. Yeah I have to replace it now. The last week I have been up, down, and up again. My emotions were all over the place.

Plus Side:

On to the plus side... I noticed that  my girl and I have been more talkative since the move. We have planned meals that my son would NEVER eat and we had mommy/daughter time more than ever before. She's had always been a daddy's girl until the last year. Now she's a mommy's girl and I'm grateful for this time.

Plus, my son's dad is finding out how a teenager acts that doesn't take his medication and how difficult it is to punish him. Another bonus is that I will not have to pay for college, graduation party or any of that. It's all on his dad.

I have found support through Twitter and my friends on there, many writers. They have helped walk me through this. Guided me to a place that I am able to handle the situation better. Given me the strength to work on my CampNaNoWriMo project and smile. They have been my rock.

Now, working on my WIP-4 for CampNaNo, I find I have chosen am emotional character. One that issues from my younger years will come to light.  I'm continuing it whether or not it makes me cry.

What a February

The last month has been terrible. Not only did the sewer back up I've been sick for 5 weeks. Now that the carpet and kitchen flooring has been replace and the 5th round of antibiotics are working, I'm finally feeling better.

I have tons of stuff to put back in place after all the flooring being put down. URGH! I hate that. At least the flooring guys moved everything and put it back in the places I was going to rearranged the furniture. That saved me time.

Now I have to deal with my son's father wanting to have my boy move in with him so he doesn't have to pay child support any more. That would mean my boy will be driving 60 miles to and from school every day (costs more for gas than child support). I have sole custody so my ex will have to take me to court and spend even more money. Then there will the car insurance I won't pay for any more, his phone his grandmother won't continue to pay and  no Netflix. HA! I get to talk to him tomorrow about it all. They can wait 6 weeks for the move (after graduation).


Yes, part of my refusal has to do with money the other part is after 13 years of not being in my son's life he want him now. Oh! Add in the fact he's my boy and not really ready to be away from mommy. He can use the oven and microwave, cook mac-n-cheese and make eggs but that's it.

I have been told I'll be approved for SSI (disability type) in the next month or so. That'll fix the money issues but not the emptiness of my son moving out.

My son has distanced himself from me the last month or so. We used to talk an hour every night and now it's like pulling teeth to get a word out of him. I think that hurts more than anything else.

April is CampNaNoWriMo and I'm preparing for it. My goal is 9000 words. Researching is the part I hate the most. I have done the timeline on Aeon Timeline and have all characters & places set up in Scrivener. now all I have to do is figure out snacks and easy meals for April.

~~~~Happy Writing~~~~

~~~Happy Parenting~~~ 

What Am I Doing On Christmas Eve?

We don't celebrate Christmas in our house so I'm making cheesecakes for my friends' holiday celebrations. I've cleaned the living room, did dishes, swept floors and dusted. Then my ex-boyfriend messages me on facebook. He's in an emotional tornado and wants my help. Guess what I agree to. I have him coming over to talk. How stupid can I be. The only time we talk is when he is having problems. If I had a doctorate I'd be getting paid tons of money for this. Why do I always help him and a few others like him? Is it because I know I can or is it a deep seated wishing I had a boyfriend? I have learned from mistakes that I do NOT need a man to have a fulfilled life. My mom thought she needed to stay with an abusive man to be happy. It tore her heart out in the end. I knew then I would never need a man. I still ended up in a few relationships that were just for companionship.  Guess some of us have to learn from experience.

Well, my ex is coming over and I will talk with him. I'll remember all the reasons why we are no longer together and forbid myself to get attached again.

I'm going to spend the next week looking at my mistakes and triumphs to better understand myself. I need to lose weight, eat better and get a handle on my emotions before I fall apart. My resolution for 2015 will be:
Take meds every day(I do it now)
Exercise
Write
Read
Cook healthy meals
Not look out the window and wonder if the grass is greener on the other side
Talk to my kids rather than speak at them

These should help me with all my issues.

Look for excerpts after the new year. I promise you ate least one.

Happy Holidays!

Holidays What Happens When You're BROKE!

As Christmas and Yule approach I get more depressed. I wish I could give my kids things they want. Once again; I can't once again. Another year where they get toothbrushes, dental floss, mouthwash, and their favorite meals. They don't need clothes or much of anything fancy. they asked for iTunes cards (I don't pay for their phones their grandmas' do) and Austin needs bedding. I want household items, gas money and money to buy my personal things. I have bought clothes, undergarments or stuff like that for myself in years.All extra money goes to the kids. As it should.

To say it's hard being a single mother of 2 teens is an understatement. I'm unable to work and child support from one father isn't cutting. With 1 car that's my kids and the van sitting waiting to be fixed (if I had the money) it's tough. Now that Austin is playing basketball again getting my other one home after school is getting harder. I'm a recluse as it is but having to depend on friends to get me to the pharmacy is nerve racking to say the least. Soon the internet will have to go. Heart-breaking as it is I can't really afford it anymore. It's my lifeline to my fellow supportive authors and my kids' way to play games and talk with their friends they left behind when we moved 5 years ago. When the internet is gone I'll have nothing, to Netflix (we have no cable), no writing support and my kids will be saying 'I'm bored' all the time. It's heart breaking I have no family left to help.

I asked for help this year for the first time and since my kids are teens they won't help. A group in facebook thought they could help but everyone said that since the kids didn't want much and they won't buy for me that they won't help either. The kids will get things from their fathers' sides.

Too add to all this Austin need his senior pics printed and I have to toss together his open house. His father said he'd do it but I won't hold my breath. He did however have his wife take the pics, which I ended up having to edit, she did a shoddy job. It's cheaper than have them professionally taken since that would be $300+ and it'll cost me $48. $48 I don't have.

My ex-mother-in-law (mother to the one not paying child support) has helped so much the last few years I can't ask her for any more.

So, you are asking yourself "What is she gonna do?" I have no idea. I'll probably just muddle through and wish for the best hoping the kids don't get too upset and write to distract myself from it all.

On the good side, I made it through November without breaking down and crying for days. I finished NaNoWriMo and started another novel though none of my others are totally finished.

I wish all of you a happy holidays and warm times with family and friends.

Disappearing Into My Own World

As this month comes to an end, I look at all I have accomplished. Finishing NaNoWrimo was at the top of my list. That and fall cleaning my apartment. Now I'm feeling the loss of my mom. After 11 years you would think I'd function better than I am. Last year I did great, better than any other year. Now I'm struggling. I think it's because this year the dates are lined up as they were in 2003. Mom's birthday would have been the 14th and she died on the 28th, the day after Thanksgiving.

To make matters worse, I have people complaining that I'm refusing to go to any Turkey Day dinners (my kids are though). I don't like to socialize as it is, what makes them think I want to spend time with ones that remind me this time of year is my mom loved. I just want to drown in my writings. Writing helps me deal with all the stresses that come from being a single mother with little money.

I'm editing 'Dalara' and working on one without a title. No, it's not my NaNo one. The plot bunnies (something that keeps your mind running with ideas) are making it hard not to start another one. I have no idea where it's going but I'm liking it so far. I think it'll be the 3rd in the 'Tamesville' series.

As the weather here in Iowa grows cold snowy and windy, I am hurting. Many of my joints are inflamed, causing me pain. I wish I had the money to move south. My health gets worse as the temps drop and I can barely function. I hate not being able to do things with my kids. We usually sit watch Neflix or a movie, if we do anything at all together. They are gone over school breaks and weekends; Busy with friends and sports every other time.  At times I feel as if I'm failing them. Then I think other times I'm doing good. Neither of my teens lie, drink, smoke, do drugs, or anything teens experiment with. Curfews are always kept.

I signed up with Critique Circle. It's a web based site set up to help writers achieve their goals and better their writing. This will be a major step for me. I'm one who does not like other to read my work until my OCD thinks it perfect. My fear is as many new writers, the novel sucks. Hoping joining will push me past this.

I hope everyone has a happy holiday.

Getting Myself Ready!

I haven't been writing much as of lately. This is not a good thing. I should be writing daily. So, with this I have zero links in my Write Chain Challenge. That makes me a bit discouraged. I had made it to link 58 and then broke it.

They may be cute but dangerous!

As I have just under 38.5 hours until NaNoWriMo starts, I am trying not the be anxious over it. I finished last year and I will this year. Though the plotbunnies are trying to get me started early. They have been running over the plots and the emotions of certain scenes. For those who don't know what plotbunnies are are cute but they are the ideas that keep sidetracking one from the plot or the things you talk to when you look like you're talking to yourself. Or a story idea that refuses to go away until its written. They are great at stressing you out and driving you insane at times. Outsiders (non-writers) tend to think you are schizophrenic; that is not the case though.

Scrivener all set up.

As preparing for NaNoWriMo, I have found that a character is not going to be easy to control in my writing. She is independant and mouthy. Why did I create her like that? Well, she is bound to make it very interesting. My Scrivener is up and ready for my NaNoWriMo WIP. My

Timeline all ready to go.

Aeon Timeline is ready to go and set for this novel. The time line was easier than Scrivener since all I did was make another arc. Yeah I know; the arcs are for the changes in a single story. I use them to separate the sequels in my series. I helps me more that using it normal.

With the 3 writathons going on between @GetWordies and @FriNightWrites I should be at 35k by the 15th. If not finished to 50k. 3 weekends of writing will definitely get me passed 30k.

Holiday plans:
If I hit 40k by the20th I will have Turkey day on the 30th. Otherwise it will be December 6th. My family is spares and not that into holidays other than Solstices and Samhain.

If you notice, I have completed my Reading Challenge ahead of schedule. 40 books this year. That will give me time to get all the writing done.

GOOD LUCK with NaNoWriMo folks. 

Reality Sucks

Over the last few weeks my life has taken a turn for the worst. Income has decreased and I'm behind on bills now. I just caught them up. And of course the teens in my house are being teens.

My depression state is trying to inch it's way back into my life. My house is a mess and too slowly getting cleaned. Then of course we have NaNoWriMo coming up and research is getting behind. I have the kitchen done and hoping it stays that way with the kids.

Slow-cooker freezer meals for the month are ready to assemble. 20 peppers of all colors, 10 onions and mushrooms sliced, diced and chopped. TIP: If you put your onions in the freezer for 10 minutes of frig for 3 hours, the element that makes us tear is less effective. Dinner is taken care of for tonight. Now if I can keep up this pace all week, I will be good.

My boy finally got his wisdom teeth pulled this last week. He thought it was gonna be easy with no pain... He now knows different. Lesson learned...Mom is always right. Ha Ha Ha!!!!

A good thing that has happened this last month....
My ex bought our son his 1st reliable car, fixed the few things on it and took care of his senior pictures(clothes too). This is the first time in 13 years he did anything for my boy. Now we have a reliable car and a broken down van.  Wish a 'Fix the Van' fairy would visit. I hate not being able to just up and leave. My son takes his car to school along with his sister.

I now have my days and nights fixed. Lets see how long that lasts. Probably til November when I do NaNoWriMo. 50k words in 30 days is gonna be crazy but I did it last year and I will do it again.