Life is a Roller Coaster!

I have been a single mom since my oldest was 2 years old, though those two years felt like I was the only parent too. So, lets say I've been a single parent for almost 18 years now. I know that my son will start college in the fall and will move out. That's a given. I know this, I expect this.

Background:

My son's father has had almost nothing to do with him in the last 15 years. Maybe 5 minutes here and 10 minutes there, but that's about it. One year I totaled it together and it was four hours that year he saw my son. His father paid child support on time every week and was never late (bonus, many don't have that). The last 6 months his father has been seeing him every weekend. (I knew there was a plan)

Current:

Two months ago my son comes to me and says he's moving in with his dad when school is out. Okay, thinking that it would change in a month. (Dad isn't one to stick to things, more like cause disappointment). March comes and his dad calls me to discuss my son moving in with him. Wooooo! Hold the train. after talking for an hour, I agreed to allow it after graduation (May 24th). A week later my son says he's packing so he can take all of his stuff to his dad's. That is 10 weeks early. He continues to argue saying dad said I could move now. Well, doing what a good mom does, I called his dad. No, he hadn't told my son he could move NOW! Typical teen playing the parents. That got all settled. He'd be moving out May 23rd.
Two weeks later my son refuses to come home because he's scared of me, I beat him... I have never nor would I ever. I agreed to let him stay 1 more night and I cried the whole night. Next morning I start making phone calls. After finding a way to stay where I'm living with my girl and how I'd pay bills I called my lawyer. Then I called his dad and explained what I was willing to do. Joint custody with joint equal placement and no child support. The money was his issue of course.
It's a 35 minute drive to his dad's from the school. Really! With gas prices has high as they are, I didn't like it. Not to mention I had planned my money out so I could manage after graduation not that minute.

Fallout:

I feel as if I have failed my son. I thought I gave him everything he needed.Now I see I haven't. He has been the one kid I had 95% of the time and I'm lost. Those few months before he turns 18 (end of August) were the months I was going to let go a bit at a time. Now I don't have that.

I've cried. I've wished for my mommy (passed 2003), I wished for my grandpa (passed 1995) and I screamed, yelled and hit the door. Yeah I have to replace it now. The last week I have been up, down, and up again. My emotions were all over the place.

Plus Side:

On to the plus side... I noticed that  my girl and I have been more talkative since the move. We have planned meals that my son would NEVER eat and we had mommy/daughter time more than ever before. She's had always been a daddy's girl until the last year. Now she's a mommy's girl and I'm grateful for this time.

Plus, my son's dad is finding out how a teenager acts that doesn't take his medication and how difficult it is to punish him. Another bonus is that I will not have to pay for college, graduation party or any of that. It's all on his dad.

I have found support through Twitter and my friends on there, many writers. They have helped walk me through this. Guided me to a place that I am able to handle the situation better. Given me the strength to work on my CampNaNoWriMo project and smile. They have been my rock.

Now, working on my WIP-4 for CampNaNo, I find I have chosen am emotional character. One that issues from my younger years will come to light.  I'm continuing it whether or not it makes me cry.

What Am I Doing On Christmas Eve?

We don't celebrate Christmas in our house so I'm making cheesecakes for my friends' holiday celebrations. I've cleaned the living room, did dishes, swept floors and dusted. Then my ex-boyfriend messages me on facebook. He's in an emotional tornado and wants my help. Guess what I agree to. I have him coming over to talk. How stupid can I be. The only time we talk is when he is having problems. If I had a doctorate I'd be getting paid tons of money for this. Why do I always help him and a few others like him? Is it because I know I can or is it a deep seated wishing I had a boyfriend? I have learned from mistakes that I do NOT need a man to have a fulfilled life. My mom thought she needed to stay with an abusive man to be happy. It tore her heart out in the end. I knew then I would never need a man. I still ended up in a few relationships that were just for companionship.  Guess some of us have to learn from experience.

Well, my ex is coming over and I will talk with him. I'll remember all the reasons why we are no longer together and forbid myself to get attached again.

I'm going to spend the next week looking at my mistakes and triumphs to better understand myself. I need to lose weight, eat better and get a handle on my emotions before I fall apart. My resolution for 2015 will be:
Take meds every day(I do it now)
Exercise
Write
Read
Cook healthy meals
Not look out the window and wonder if the grass is greener on the other side
Talk to my kids rather than speak at them

These should help me with all my issues.

Look for excerpts after the new year. I promise you ate least one.

Happy Holidays!

Holidays What Happens When You're BROKE!

As Christmas and Yule approach I get more depressed. I wish I could give my kids things they want. Once again; I can't once again. Another year where they get toothbrushes, dental floss, mouthwash, and their favorite meals. They don't need clothes or much of anything fancy. they asked for iTunes cards (I don't pay for their phones their grandmas' do) and Austin needs bedding. I want household items, gas money and money to buy my personal things. I have bought clothes, undergarments or stuff like that for myself in years.All extra money goes to the kids. As it should.

To say it's hard being a single mother of 2 teens is an understatement. I'm unable to work and child support from one father isn't cutting. With 1 car that's my kids and the van sitting waiting to be fixed (if I had the money) it's tough. Now that Austin is playing basketball again getting my other one home after school is getting harder. I'm a recluse as it is but having to depend on friends to get me to the pharmacy is nerve racking to say the least. Soon the internet will have to go. Heart-breaking as it is I can't really afford it anymore. It's my lifeline to my fellow supportive authors and my kids' way to play games and talk with their friends they left behind when we moved 5 years ago. When the internet is gone I'll have nothing, to Netflix (we have no cable), no writing support and my kids will be saying 'I'm bored' all the time. It's heart breaking I have no family left to help.

I asked for help this year for the first time and since my kids are teens they won't help. A group in facebook thought they could help but everyone said that since the kids didn't want much and they won't buy for me that they won't help either. The kids will get things from their fathers' sides.

Too add to all this Austin need his senior pics printed and I have to toss together his open house. His father said he'd do it but I won't hold my breath. He did however have his wife take the pics, which I ended up having to edit, she did a shoddy job. It's cheaper than have them professionally taken since that would be $300+ and it'll cost me $48. $48 I don't have.

My ex-mother-in-law (mother to the one not paying child support) has helped so much the last few years I can't ask her for any more.

So, you are asking yourself "What is she gonna do?" I have no idea. I'll probably just muddle through and wish for the best hoping the kids don't get too upset and write to distract myself from it all.

On the good side, I made it through November without breaking down and crying for days. I finished NaNoWriMo and started another novel though none of my others are totally finished.

I wish all of you a happy holidays and warm times with family and friends.