WARNING! This post may trigger those who have been abused.
This post will be totally scrambled due to a mini manic episode.
Depression- I can just sit in my chair ad stare at the computer screen, watching Hulu or Netflix. I can want to sleep all day (20hrs a day). I don't write, read or clean. I feel like a failure for not acting like an adult.
TRIGGERS- Seeing my place dirty, trouble paying bills, someone telling me I'm lazy and a few I can't remember what.
Anxiety- This is a tough one to explain. I shake, have trouble breathing, my heart-rate jumps, I have cold & clammy sweats, and afterwards I want to sleep for hours.
TRIGGERS- People, shopping, paying bills, kids screaming and leaving my apartment. Basically anything that means leaving, even getting the mail.
Manic States- I have 2 different kinds. First, massive cleaning spree without stopping. Second, I watch a series on Hulu or Netflix non-stop, read entire book series, write for hours (10-15).
TRIGGERS- The 1st manic state is triggered by unknown reasons. I have found that if I take Trazodone the next day I clean non-stop. The 2nd is caused by a long depression (2 weeks to 1 month) and some triggers I haven't found yet.
PTSD- I know it causes my night-terrors, jumpiness to doors slamming, and fear of someone breaking in. This is caused by the physical, sexual, mental and psychological abuse I endured from my mother's 1st husband.
I'll now explain what causes my PTSD...
My mom married her 1st husband when I was 6. They had dated since I was 3. The earliest thing that I now known is signs of abuse was being scared to be left alone with him. I remember one time my mom was taking my babysitter to the store and I had a temper tantrum, and hid in the car. I still had to stay home. Another is I could get out of being grounded by giving him a back-rub. Department of Human Services investigated the abuse but since mom didn't see it and he lied they dismissed the case. They were called in because I knew how to masturbate. Then it became him calling me all kinds of names (bitch, slut, cunt, stupid, idiot). I blocked out the sexual abuse until after I was 25 years old. He threw me through a double pane window when I was 13.
Now you're asking where my mom was. Well, she thought that no man would want her since she had me out of wedlock. She was 18 when she had me and was raised Roman Catholic. In here mind my step-father was her only choice and she defended him at every turn.
I am the opposite, I refuse to NEED a man for anything, maybe not all the time. My boyfriend offers to help with bills and stuff but I refuse and ask for a massage instead.
This post is the first time I have told my story to more than a few friends and my mental health providers.
Wednesday, June 12, 2019
Friday, May 17, 2019
Long Time No See!
It's been quite awhile since I've posted. I know I was to do Indie Author blog posts every week but, my health has been an issue.
I'll run it down short and sweet.
I had my mammogram as I do every year. They sent me for an ultrasound, then to a breast specialist. Breast specialist did an ultrasound and sent me for an MRI. Now on Tuesday I will be going in under anesthesia for a biopsy of my lymph node under my left arm. This is freaking me out. I'm 44, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer at age 36 in her let breast and lymph nodes. At 44 it returned and at 47 she died. My anxiety has been horrible and my moods are all over the place. I'm lacking focus. All I keep thinking about is not making it to see my baby graduate next year and what is going to happen to her and my 21 year old son. Then of course I think about the doctor telling me that I will NEED to where a supportive bra after surgery. NO! I only have 1 and I barely wear it, plus it will rub right where they are going to cut me open. After I was told about the surgery, I received a letter reminding me it's time for my colonoscopy. I've had polyps removed in the past. One more health issue to cause anxiety.
Now my son is another issue going on. I haven't heard from him since December. No call or text for Christmas, my birthday or even Mother's Day.
On the good side of things. My daughter has a job, she'd 17 if you keep track, my grandbabies, Arya and Aiden are now 4 and having Nama, me, read Harry Potter most nights on Skype. Though Dr. Seuss has came into the picture a few nights over the last 2 weeks. And yes they know when I skip a word in any book. They can read Harry Potter by themselves but want me to read it cause I make the different voices. No they have not seen the movies. Their dads haven't introduced them to electronics yet, except for "Bear in the Big Blue House" DVDs I bought them. 2 hours a week watching. Their nannies take them to the park, museums, botanical garden and on Tuesdays they go to a nursing home and play with the elderly. I am so proud of their dads and of them. I just wished I lived closer but I'm glad their is Skype.
Okay enough of my complaining and sad news. I'll try and update you all soon.
I'll run it down short and sweet.
I had my mammogram as I do every year. They sent me for an ultrasound, then to a breast specialist. Breast specialist did an ultrasound and sent me for an MRI. Now on Tuesday I will be going in under anesthesia for a biopsy of my lymph node under my left arm. This is freaking me out. I'm 44, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer at age 36 in her let breast and lymph nodes. At 44 it returned and at 47 she died. My anxiety has been horrible and my moods are all over the place. I'm lacking focus. All I keep thinking about is not making it to see my baby graduate next year and what is going to happen to her and my 21 year old son. Then of course I think about the doctor telling me that I will NEED to where a supportive bra after surgery. NO! I only have 1 and I barely wear it, plus it will rub right where they are going to cut me open. After I was told about the surgery, I received a letter reminding me it's time for my colonoscopy. I've had polyps removed in the past. One more health issue to cause anxiety.
Now my son is another issue going on. I haven't heard from him since December. No call or text for Christmas, my birthday or even Mother's Day.
On the good side of things. My daughter has a job, she'd 17 if you keep track, my grandbabies, Arya and Aiden are now 4 and having Nama, me, read Harry Potter most nights on Skype. Though Dr. Seuss has came into the picture a few nights over the last 2 weeks. And yes they know when I skip a word in any book. They can read Harry Potter by themselves but want me to read it cause I make the different voices. No they have not seen the movies. Their dads haven't introduced them to electronics yet, except for "Bear in the Big Blue House" DVDs I bought them. 2 hours a week watching. Their nannies take them to the park, museums, botanical garden and on Tuesdays they go to a nursing home and play with the elderly. I am so proud of their dads and of them. I just wished I lived closer but I'm glad their is Skype.
Okay enough of my complaining and sad news. I'll try and update you all soon.
Saturday, February 23, 2019
Indie Author of the Week
Elizabeth York
Surviving Brooklyn (Brooklyn Series Book 1)Synopsis:
Brooklyn Montgomery, daughter of a well-known criminal, just moved into a new apartment. She needed to be closer to downtown because she landed her dream job of becoming an Assistant District Attorney. Little does she know that the reason for her new job is because a killer is raining down on New York City. The killer is taking out anyone who looks like her, including the last A.D.A., and covering their bodies with thousands of forget-me-nots. Is this a clue to catching the killer or does the killer want to lead Brooklyn to her demise?
Mark Stone, Brooklyn's childhood friend, is the lead detective in the city. He has been handed the case, but has a limited window until the FBI takes over. While he hunts the killer he guards Brooklyn with his life. He knows she has feelings for him, but can the past be overlooked so they can be together after they catch the killer? What happens if they can't stop the killer in time? Will he catch the killer and capture her heart, or will the final victim be the one he wanted all along, Brooklyn?
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