Bipolar & Anxiety

I am finally ready to explain my anxiety, bipolar disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder. Here goes.

Anxiety: 

My anxiety issues stems from my childhood and increased stress in my life. I am a survivor of physical, sexual and mental abuse. My step-father hurt me in more ways than any child should see let alone deal with. Physical abuse was not as brutal as the others. Yes, the mental abuse is more damaging, my opinion, than any of the others. I was never good enough, told I was a slut (at age 12 & up), I was a bitch that no one would ever want. The feeling of the unknown triggers an anxiety attack now. Not to mention being in large crowds. Crowds remind me of the tiny house we lived in when I was young and I can't breathe. I shake and get clammy. Going to the store just to get milk is hard for me. Medication has helped with this and being able to know when stores are not too busy helps as well. Going to Wal-Mart at 11pm is great, I only freak out when checking out. Another trigger for me is the day before I pay bills, can I pay all of them or not and running out of soda or smokes.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder:

Every person with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is different. Many have to control everything and MUST maintain total cleanliness. I know a few that are always cleaning with bleach and some who just are repetitive habits like doing things in 3's. I however, am strange. My towels must be folded just right, my dishes HAVE to be done in a certain order or I can't finish them, pictures MUST be level and my frig is organized in a certain way. When my kids were little their toys were in the right place every night. They call it 'mommy clean'. Twice a year we still 'mommy clean'. That means washing everything from light switches to the walls & carpet.One therapist would turn the clock on his wall just a little before I came in and I always HAD to fix it before sitting down. If there are dead leaves on a plant I have to fix that. My OCD is manageable without medication at this time. 

Bipolar Disorder:

There are two types of bipolar disorder. I fit into type 1 more than type 2 though I could be classified as both from year to year. I rapid cycle, or switch moods often, more than 99% of bipolars. Most bipolars have days to months in a depressive mood and mania (usually hyper). I can switch from mania to depression and back in matter of an hour, sometimes less. I do what they call extreme rapid cycling. It's like a switch and for 10 years I knew my triggers. The past 3 years I've had trouble since new triggers appeared. Triggers are people, situations or emotional times that can start a depression or mania. When I'm in a manic episode I sometimes have rage issues or episodes. 

Rage episodes for me are a burst of furry and I can lash out at anyone or anything. I have punched walls, thrown things, kicked holes in the walls, screamed, yelled and swipe everything off a table or desk. The most epic rage episode was a few years before I was medicated; I punched through a 55 gallon fish tank and killed all the fish. Not a good time in my life. For over 10 years I was on a mood stabilizer and a sleep aide. The last 3 years I have had to add several more since I have new triggers and my rage got out of control last year, no I didn't hurt anyone. 

My depression episodes are the most troubling for me. I know every November I will need an increase in medication. This is due to my mom's birthday and the month she died. I usually continue the increase through December to play it safe. Other times of the year I get into a rut where I just don't do a thing except re-read books or re-watch Netflix. When it gets really bad I have neighbors come over and make me shower and eat. Some even clean my kitchen and that tends to help push me back to a better mood, not always.  

Another issue I have with my bipolar is frequent and severe migraines. Until a few years ago I had no idea that bipolar people tend to get migraines. 

Mania:

My mania episodes are different from most. I become excessively OCD, which isn't a bad thing. Some people excessively shop, have one night stands, drink, do drugs and things like that. I used to drink excessively right after my mom died. Though unlike others I know I made sure my kids were taken care of and I kept my college grades at all A's. Another person I know in a manic state can never focus on a single thing long enough to get half way through it. I have that problem maybe once a year and that's when we go into Daylight Savings Time.  I think I have learned to focus on things that are healthy or at least not self-destructive like reading a book series of 28 books in a week or write for days at a time. 

Managing My Mental Health

I see my therapist, Joyce, monthly. Basically I just tell her what has happened since the last visit or we talk about food. We both love to cook from scratch. No, not typical but it helps me at least. My therapist tried to get me to do all sorts of things, but we found what works for me. It also helps that I can call her anytime to talk if needed which I have a few times this last year. Now remember you may have to go through many therapists before you find one you like and that can help. I went through 9.

Once a month I see the PA, Jayme, that prescribes my medication. She specialized in mental health. I love her. She is only my second to medicate me for my issues, as I call them. Since I've been medicated for 16 years I know what works and what doesn't. Jayme lets me adjust my medications as I see fit, within reason. I also call her every time I make a change and tell her if she doesn't want me to let me know. Never change your medication with asking first. I know what limits I can take of everything I'm on and what Jayme will allow me to change. Like I said I always call, even if I decide not to take one of my sleeping pills just one night. It is important to communicate with the doctor that prescribes your medication. 

Keep track of all the medication I'm on for my mental health issues and other medical issues is hard. I tried the pill box, calendar check off and several apps on my phone. I finally found the perfect one, Medisafe app. It's available for Android and Apple. With this app I can set my alerts for each medication, how often, how much and can even have a setting for as needed. There are several different alert tones; Star Wars, Minions (my favorite), Baseball, Finding Nemo, South Park, Elsa and a few more. You can set it to vibrate and flash lights as well. There's a diary that you can track things in. My favorite part is the measurements, here I can track moods, pain, blood pressure, weight, temperature, pulse, pain level, blood glucose, A1C and many others. Keep track of your appointments and which doctor prescribes which medication. I also love the fact I can email all this information to myself and print it out for my doctors. I've been using Medisafe for a few years and I can look back and see how much I have improved with taking my medication and track my weight. Before I started using Medisafe, there were days I thought I took my pills and didn't. Then a few times I double dosed. I haven't done either since I started using Medisafe since I can just open the app and see which pills I took (green check mark) or missed (blue circle thing or red exclamation point). I customized the shape and color of my pills: purple, lavender and white for mental health, blue for pain pills and pink for birth control. I love being able to do that. Another extra is that my friend can get alerts if I miss a dosage. The reminders for refills is also helpful. I have mine set to go off when I have 5 pills left of those I take once a day and 10 for ones I take twice a day. The last benefit I like is the medication information. 

Writing is another way I manage everything. I started writing in 2010 and have written over 15 novels, none published. See that's where my OCD and anxiety comes in. Writing gives me the opportunity to express what isn't proper in the real world. I mainly write about shifters, vampires (non-sparkling) and witches. Yes, sex is in there a lot too. With writing I have made lots of friends on Twitter and through NaNoWriMo. 

Reading also helps me. It distracts me from whatever is troubling me or pushing my moods around. Depending on my mood issue I read erotica, paranormal-romance, and fiction with a little sex. Check out my list of favorite book series to the right.

Twitter has helped me to meet others with mental disorders as well. Support helps as well as knowing you're not alone. I have a great group of friends that help each other when we are having a bad day. 

NaNoWriMo Time!

It's that time of year! NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) is almost here. I have been preparing for it for the first time, in detail that is. Here are the things I have worked on so far. The title is Midnight Whispers. The is a permanent one thanks to my Twitter friends.

Here is the logo for my main male character's business, Thegrot Security. The do a wide variety of services from home security systems to secret body guards, internet security and child recovery. 

The logo was created at Free Logo Design.

They have many vehicles but he one below is the most used. All are bullet resistant and have several features of protection. 

Yes I have done tons of prepping this year. I still can't believe I've done so much. 

Next up is Elyan's (main male character) personal vehicle and yes it's a typical guy car. Porsche 718 S.

You want to know how I found them? Well, I went to the car websites and built them. This means I customized everything and have every detail about each car. Now if I need to describe the stereo system I have it. It was kind of fun. It was easy since I'm a car girl.

On top of all that research I have done I have worked on my Scrivener. I have all the characters so far, their DOB's and a few have cars and habits. I still have far to go with their bios but that usually comes as I write. I never know what their favorite food, music, etc. until I get to know them a bit. My 2 main characters have a bit more than the supporting ones have. Adding to that I have places and their descriptions of the exterior and interior. I have the security firm, strip club, bar & grill, a popular local bar, a pizza place, the hospital where my main female character works and her apartment. I'm working on my main male character's home now.  Here's what it looks like now.

This is the first time I captured Scrivener with the inspector open. As you can see I have my main characters set as photos instead of a words. This help if I need a quick reminder of their appearance while writing. When I come across a picture I find I like for the other characters I'll do the same thing.

Another aspect of Scrivener I normally don't look at or use is the Outline section. This year for NaNoWriMo I started to and I think it helped a tiny bit. Look and see. Yes I'm sharing my outline, at least what I have so far. You also see how short my scene splits are. I use each one for a single event such as meeting, seeing or an interaction. I haven't met anyone that does it besides me, not that others don't. Each scene section can be anywhere from 500 words to 3000 words. I also split them into each character scene. Say Elyan sees Caitlyn and his emotions are described the next one could be Caitlyn feeling him watching her and her fear.

My Aeon Timeline is started as well. I have the first 2 events in it and the beginning of the species creation. All the characters are entered with dates of birth; making it easy to see their age in each event. With the places in there it helps with keeping track of where everyone goes and how much. You can see below, the ages of Elyan and Caitlyn when the events occur. 

I have finally found out how to use the length of time per event. This has been a wonderful option. I now know how long it takes a character to get home from work or how long they stay at a place. Here is an example of using the duration option. In the inspector to the right of the picture you see the options.

I thought about using Scapple with this project but I can't seem to get at it. I used it for another project but I don't think I'll use it for this one.

Another thing I'm doing for NaNoWriMo is making a menu and shopping list. Here's what I'll be making:

Beef fajitas (crock pot freezer meal)
Sweet-n-sour chicken (crock pot freezer meal)
Meatloaf
Spaghetti
Beef stew (crock pot freezer meal)
Sub sandmiches
Chicken-n-dumplings (homemade)
Flank steak (crock pot freezer meal)
Mongolian beef (crock pot freezer meal)
Tacos
Salads
Roasted veggies

Now for snackies:

Rice Krispie treats with chocolate frosting
Spinach/artichoke dip
Reese's peanut butter cups
Kit-Kats
A bunch of different chips
Chocolate chip cheese cake
Homemade cookies

So, preparing for NaNoWriMo isn't just preparing for writing. I love getting food all ready on the 3rd of the month.  I'll write all day on the 1st, grocery shop on the 2nd & prep food on the 3rd. I'll have all freezer meals done, snacks prepped and cook up taco meat & spaghetti meat. Dicing all veggies for everything... this make tacos easy, just heat up the meat and toss the pre-cut veggies on. The same go for the salads. I'll end up cutting 12 peppers (different colors), onions, tomatoes, cauliflower, broccoli, and anything else needed. Before you ask, yes I do this every month. It makes parenting life easy. Just pull out what you want the night before and toss it into the crock pot in the morning. Sometimes my daughter will do it both. 

If you want ideas for freezer meals search Pinterest. I have tone of them on my boards.

Prep-Tober Time!

What is prep-tober you ask. It's the October which is the month to prepare for November's NaNoWriMo (50,000 words in 30 days). This means I will be setting up my NaNo project, researching and planning all kinds of other crap. It's also Breast Cancer Awareness Month, which my mom died from breast cancer. So, STRESS is going to be high. Then add in kiddo-2's issues and kiddo-1 constantly getting hurt by accident (torn ACL, car accident & spraining his ankle). I'm gonna split up each issue in this post.

Prep-Tober

I have begun to get my characters in order with names, DOB's, likes, dislikes, etc. Aeon Timeline is started as well. I have the start of my species and DOB's put in as well as the start point of the story.  Next step is to set up my Scapple mind-mapping.
This story is going to be about non-sparkling vampires and shifters mixing with humans. Always fun. I'm not really sure how the species are going to mingle but they will at some point. Since I'm a pantser (non-planner), I never know where the characters will take me in the end. I know there will be certain humans that can mate and have offspring to each species. How this will happen or how they know is still lost on me.
Working title is  'Midnight Whispers'. My main characters are Abigail (human) & Elyan (vampire). Elyan owns and runs a security firm named 'Trinity Security'. His business hires only the best: shifters, military, NSA, CIA, FBI, and martial arts experts to train. Abigail is a labor & delivery nurse at the major hospital. She works 40-80 hours a week and has little time for anything outside work. Elyan becomes infatuated with Abigail. She's leery about him, of course.

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month!

My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when she was 36. I was 18 and didn't know what was really happening because she hid most of it from me. I knew she was having chemo but she had no side-effects. 9 years and 9 months after she was deemed in remission it struck again. They hadn't put it in total remission, it spreed to her liver and brain. I split from my husband at the time, moved in with her, her husband and my 2 kiddos. My son was 5 and my daughter almost 1. My step-father worked, I went to school and took care of my mom's appointments and treatment. After a year, the cancer was so wide-spreed in her brain the chemo would do nothing and radiation wasn't working. Mom decided to stop treatments. Even though it killed me, I supported her choice. It only took 3 months for her to pass. I kept her home until  a few days before her birthday, which was Nov. 14th. We put her in a hospice type long term care. 2 weeks later, the day after Thanksgiving she passed. Exactly 2 weeks after her 47th birthday. 

Since I was 29 I had to wait a year before my insurance allowed mammograms. I have had them once a year for 14 years now. A few years they had me doing them every 6 months. This means I've had 18 mammograms before I was 41. I have been finally cleared to go 18 months between, unless they find something. I have many fibroids that it makes it difficult to read the mammograms.

PLEASE get your boobs squished. 

Recommendation is 1st mammogram  at 40 and every 2-5 years after that. I have breast cancer on both sides of my family tree so I'm at higher risk. My daughter will be getting her 1st one at age 20, this is because my mother was so young when she first had hers and my daughter tested positive for the inherited gene as I have. We have also been told to get pap smears yearly since there is a higher chance of us getting ovarian or cervical cancer. 

Stress

My daughter thinks she's 'in love'  with a boy that's 20 and she's only 15. He's been convicted of  a class D felony and is facing charges for a class C felony. It's illegal for them to have sex, though they have admitted they had sex last November, which means she was only 14 at the time. There is nothing I can do to keep them apart unless I catch them having sex or she tries to run away with him. Though today she has told me that she wants to go out for the drill team and help out at the largest haunted house in Iowa. She's worked the haunted house for the past several years. Her counselor says her getting involved with these activities might help her stay away from the boy. Since he is out for preliminary, meaning he is under house-arrest. He has no phone nor internet so there will be no contact, but I worry all the same.

My son, 20 years old, has had a hard year bringing me down with him. April 30th he tore his ACL playing basketball, July 21st he was in a major car accident, and now he sprained his ankle playing basketball. He was off work for awhile, I bought food and helped him out with getting his bills paid. He's bipolar and non-medicated at the moment. Imagine 2 bipolar people in the same place for long periods at time, especial when they usually set each other off. Yes, I take my meds daily as ordered but he doesn't. It sets off my anxiety and a depressive mood. It took me a week, a full week, to get dishes done. I'm hoping that now things have settled down and he's back to work I'll be able to get back on track.

Another stress is that my disability hearing should be coming up in the next few months and I'm worried that they will find some reason to deny me again. I haven't been able to work for almost 10 years now. Add to that we have a unit by unit inspection for house cleaning in a few weeks.

That's what's going on. I'm handling it much better than I thought I would. Many are impressed that I haven't hurt anyone yet. Today I managed to get most of the kitchen clean and yesterday I cleaned my room. It's progress and I'll take it. Every accomplishment is an achievement. Bipolar, depression and anxiety is a day to day, minute to minute living.