Parenting is hard enough, then you toss in mental illnesses with both mother and children . It's a storm waiting to happen, which it has hit this last 6 weeks.
As a mother of a 20 year old son & a 15 year old daughter I have instilled honesty, loyalty, faith in others, respect for elders and officers of the law. Or so I thought. 5 weeks ago my son ripped his ACL. I dropped everything for 4 weeks; making sure he made his appointments, waited through his surgery, paid his bills (his money) and drove him 60 miles round trip almost every day for work. This messed with MY medication schedule a little. NOT a good thing when it must be exact. Being around him was hard too; he hasn't taken his medication for over 3 years and he tends to set my anger off quickly. I kept it under control 98% of the time. Yes, I snapped at him for forgetting his pain med schedule and not being ready to leave on time. I had to increase one medication to keep under control ; which I gladly did. It worked until week 4.
I found out my daughter had been staying at her boyfriend's house every weekend instead of her step-sister's. She's 15 and he is 20. Yes, they told me they had sex a few times back in November. I was upset but since they were honest and agreed not to do it again until she turned 16 in December I allowed the relationship to continue under adult supervision. I'm regretting that now. I yelled, yes yelled at them and grounded my daughter from data on her phone. Then her boyfriend told me she hadn't been taking her meds. She was so pissed that she got my dad and son believing that I beat her and said I was going to kill her. My dad and son had me committed to the psychiatric ward for a 48 hour hold saying I wasn't taking my meds and I was a threat to everyone, then the judge dismissed the case since my medication levels were perfect for what I was taking. They were not happy. My dad said "If you hurt her I'll hunt you down." While I was locked up, they called DHS (Department of Human Services... known to most as CPS and Social Services). They night of court a worker came by, the same one I talked to in September about my daughter's father). She asked the usual questions and said she needed to talk to my daughter. It took 2 weeks to get a hold of her. In this time the police said she was with my father. Come to find out she was staying with her boyfriend. DHS was not happy. They are pressing statutory rape charges against the boyfriend and custodial interference against my father and son. I'm good with it all. They need to understand that they must follow the law. My daughter will be home Monday after DHS picks her after Driver's Ed classes. She will be restricted to my house for 4 weeks. There will be no more contact with my father and son for her. I love my DHS worker, Stacy. She has been my rock through this. She has said that if all her clients were like me, doing everything needed and then some, her job would be much easier. Since I have nothing to hide I told her everything, even that I yelled at the kids, and allowed her to talk to my friends, the few I have. After she finally talked to my daughter, son and father; she told me that they were all lying and my daughter would be brought home. My stress level dropped 75% and my shrink decided I could lower one of my meds just a little bit, from 450mg to 425mg.
With all that said, my writing has suffered. I haven't written a thing since all this started. CampNaNoWriMo starts July 1st. I'm gonna push myself to get back into it. Though instead of my normal 50k goal it's only 25k. I'm not sure I can do it but I'll try. As punishment my daughter will be doing it right along with me but with a lower goal, probably 10k. She loves to write but doesn't much. I'm hoping the experience will strengthen our relationship. I have also set times for playing cards and just talking.
I have been re-reading Sookie Stackhouse:Southern Vampire (aka True Blood) and it calms me a bit.
SO, if you have a mental illness that needs medication and something in your life changes, please talk to you doctors. Changing dosages and added another med for a short time may help. If your and your child(children) have mental illnesses remember you can set each other off.
Saturday, June 10, 2017
Tuesday, April 18, 2017
Mental Illness Sucks
Living with bipolar and anxiety or any mental illness isn't easy.
I am diagnosed with mild OCD (obsessive control disorder), severe anxiety and bipolar disorder. I am not suicidal but homicidal. I have urges to kill or mangle people that have caused rage. I have never acted on these feelings but probably would if I wasn't medicated.
I have been told that I'm lazy and not worth a thing since I can't or refuse to work. It's all in my head and I should just get over it. Mental illness is not something many people without it understand. So here is how my days are.
I get up at around 9am and take four medication Lamitctal, Clonidine, Zyrtec, Naproxen, 2 for bipolar 1 for allergies and 1 for pain. I sit and make a list of what I am to do that day. I have never completed a list, most items are basic household cleaning like shower, dishes and vacuuming. I stare at my computer screen not focusing on whatever Netflix show I'm re-watching for the 100th time. Between noon and 3pm I force myself to make something to eat, usually a mile high salad. Salads are my go to fast making meal. Kiddo-2 gets home and does homework. Once she's done she goes out until 10pm. That means I am alone for dinner every night. When she leaves I try to make it to the shower but usually only take a fast bath, not washing my hair. Washing hair seems like it will take too long, though it's about a 3 minute task. So, it's back to staring at Netflix thinking how useless I am. This increases my anxiety because I know I need to do something and just can't. At 9pm I take 4 more medications, Clonidine, Montelluska, birth control & Naproxen. I then take 3 more bipolar and anxiety medications, Primidone, Keppra & Quetiapine at 10pm. While I wait for the last to kick in I fix my bed for sleep and turn on my fan. Between 11pm - 12am I finally get to go to bed.
When I HAVE to leave the house (even to check the mail), I have to take 2 PRNs, Saphris and migraine one (emergency medications if you don't know). My body shakes and the cold sweats kick in. When my kiddo-1 or my ex-mother-in-law take me somewhere the ride is much less stressful. Shopping once a month for groceries and household stuff is all I can manage. I have passed out at the store because too many people are in the isle or I've passed too many of them. Checking out the cold sweats hit more, usually cause there are too many people around and I'm freaking out that I forgot something. Most times I have someone take everything out to the vehicle so I can either sit down on the ground or smoke a cigarette, many times both. In the winter I have found myself on the ground in the snow. When I get home, kiddo-1 carries everything in and I put only cold stuff away. I'm so exhausted from the mood swings and anxiety I can't do anything else.
The day after shopping I cut, dice and chop all veggies (peppers, onions, mushrooms, celery, carrots and whatever else I bought). This is for the purpose of making it easier to toss food together so I don't have an anxiety attack because I have to cook. If I'm doing well or in a manic state (a state where I can't sleep and have to keep moving (cleaning OCD mostly), I brown hamburger with garlic & onion for spaghetti, goulash and things like that. I also cook up taco meat to freeze. Freezing these makes it fast to cook cause cooking hamburger takes so long. If I'm in an extreme manic state I toss together freezer meals. Check out my Pinterest (link is to the right) under crock pot meals & freezer meals for ideas. That's shopping week.
When I have a stable day I write or read. Sometimes I can get 4-7 days of this and I love it. However, I still have issues being around people. I force myself to visit 1 neighbor for an hour a week. Yes, I take a PRN before I walk out the door. This neighbor has 3 kids ages 11, 8 & 6. The 6 year old loves to give me hugs, his hugs relieve some anxiety and they are the best. Every time he sees me he runs over and hugs me. The best feeling ever.
My writing is usually paranormal, fantasy, romance. It's a therapy technique that therapists try with their patience. Ha! I started this long before therapy. It helps more than therapy. When I write I can go into a manic state and write for hours. It goes with reading as well. I HAVE to read an entire series before I can stop.
How my therapy goes...
I go in and sit down. Tell her everything that has pissed me off since my last visit and then we take about recipes. What the hell does that have to do with overcoming anxiety and my rage episodes? 35 minutes from walking into her office I leave. Yes I feel better until I see people in the waiting room and everything floods back into my mind.
Psychiatrist visits go like this...
I go in a bad mood. Get my weight and blood pressure (usually fine except weight). I talk to my shrink about my medications. She doesn't pressure me into anything. I'm usually the one that says I need something more or think I can drop something. She knows I know my body and brain better than her. I also know 90% of my triggers. This last visit she said I need to see all her patience and teach them how they need to stay on medications and log emotions, moods and thoughts until they find their triggers. With this last visit I requested to go back on Keppra, I use it for sleep and to kill my uncontrollable thoughts. I had gone 3 nights with only 2 hours of sleep a night. My shrink allows me to tweek my medications depending on my moods as long as I let her know right away.
Many with bipolar disorders have several weeks or months of the same mood. In my case I have an extreme rapid cycling. I can go from depressed to rage and back in seconds. Going from manic to depressed is harder and takes longer to come down from it. Most times when I'm in a manic state I take an extra medication. My rage episodes can NOT be controlled. I have punched a supervisor, thrown stuff at a boss and just walked out of a job. The boss I threw stuff at was also bipolar but not diagnosed. Many times I flip it's caused by others and their moods. My friend has a mentally challenged boy that can set me off if he's in a bad mood.
Knowing your triggers is great way to help control situations. My mood triggers are, the sociopath child that lives downstairs, bad news, kiddos not doing as told, kiddo-1 being around too much (he's un-medicated bipolar), stress about bills or money in general. My rage triggers have been unpredictable the last 2 years. My anxiety triggers are people, any people. Usually more than 1 I know being around.
How does all this effect my life?
I can't go out with friends, work, shop much, socialize, spend time outside, spend time with family and enjoy what used to be the best day of the week. I have not been to a holiday with family in 6 years. Saturdays I used to play cards with three friends but it has gotten to the point I can't. I am also able to diagnose many with mental issues and found the right medications for them. I have studied mental illness for 35 years.
Having a relationship with a significant other is usually a disaster and short lived. I'm lucky that I have a man that has been in my life since I was very little. We spend time together on weekends & have for a few years now. There are times I tell him he needs to leave and he understands. We have no delusions of what we have. Yes, he would love to live with my and my kid, support us and make sure we live well off. He also knows that I can't do that. I need to be able to be by myself when my mood needs it.
I am diagnosed with mild OCD (obsessive control disorder), severe anxiety and bipolar disorder. I am not suicidal but homicidal. I have urges to kill or mangle people that have caused rage. I have never acted on these feelings but probably would if I wasn't medicated.
I have been told that I'm lazy and not worth a thing since I can't or refuse to work. It's all in my head and I should just get over it. Mental illness is not something many people without it understand. So here is how my days are.
I get up at around 9am and take four medication Lamitctal, Clonidine, Zyrtec, Naproxen, 2 for bipolar 1 for allergies and 1 for pain. I sit and make a list of what I am to do that day. I have never completed a list, most items are basic household cleaning like shower, dishes and vacuuming. I stare at my computer screen not focusing on whatever Netflix show I'm re-watching for the 100th time. Between noon and 3pm I force myself to make something to eat, usually a mile high salad. Salads are my go to fast making meal. Kiddo-2 gets home and does homework. Once she's done she goes out until 10pm. That means I am alone for dinner every night. When she leaves I try to make it to the shower but usually only take a fast bath, not washing my hair. Washing hair seems like it will take too long, though it's about a 3 minute task. So, it's back to staring at Netflix thinking how useless I am. This increases my anxiety because I know I need to do something and just can't. At 9pm I take 4 more medications, Clonidine, Montelluska, birth control & Naproxen. I then take 3 more bipolar and anxiety medications, Primidone, Keppra & Quetiapine at 10pm. While I wait for the last to kick in I fix my bed for sleep and turn on my fan. Between 11pm - 12am I finally get to go to bed.
When I HAVE to leave the house (even to check the mail), I have to take 2 PRNs, Saphris and migraine one (emergency medications if you don't know). My body shakes and the cold sweats kick in. When my kiddo-1 or my ex-mother-in-law take me somewhere the ride is much less stressful. Shopping once a month for groceries and household stuff is all I can manage. I have passed out at the store because too many people are in the isle or I've passed too many of them. Checking out the cold sweats hit more, usually cause there are too many people around and I'm freaking out that I forgot something. Most times I have someone take everything out to the vehicle so I can either sit down on the ground or smoke a cigarette, many times both. In the winter I have found myself on the ground in the snow. When I get home, kiddo-1 carries everything in and I put only cold stuff away. I'm so exhausted from the mood swings and anxiety I can't do anything else.
The day after shopping I cut, dice and chop all veggies (peppers, onions, mushrooms, celery, carrots and whatever else I bought). This is for the purpose of making it easier to toss food together so I don't have an anxiety attack because I have to cook. If I'm doing well or in a manic state (a state where I can't sleep and have to keep moving (cleaning OCD mostly), I brown hamburger with garlic & onion for spaghetti, goulash and things like that. I also cook up taco meat to freeze. Freezing these makes it fast to cook cause cooking hamburger takes so long. If I'm in an extreme manic state I toss together freezer meals. Check out my Pinterest (link is to the right) under crock pot meals & freezer meals for ideas. That's shopping week.
When I have a stable day I write or read. Sometimes I can get 4-7 days of this and I love it. However, I still have issues being around people. I force myself to visit 1 neighbor for an hour a week. Yes, I take a PRN before I walk out the door. This neighbor has 3 kids ages 11, 8 & 6. The 6 year old loves to give me hugs, his hugs relieve some anxiety and they are the best. Every time he sees me he runs over and hugs me. The best feeling ever.
My writing is usually paranormal, fantasy, romance. It's a therapy technique that therapists try with their patience. Ha! I started this long before therapy. It helps more than therapy. When I write I can go into a manic state and write for hours. It goes with reading as well. I HAVE to read an entire series before I can stop.
How my therapy goes...
I go in and sit down. Tell her everything that has pissed me off since my last visit and then we take about recipes. What the hell does that have to do with overcoming anxiety and my rage episodes? 35 minutes from walking into her office I leave. Yes I feel better until I see people in the waiting room and everything floods back into my mind.
Psychiatrist visits go like this...
I go in a bad mood. Get my weight and blood pressure (usually fine except weight). I talk to my shrink about my medications. She doesn't pressure me into anything. I'm usually the one that says I need something more or think I can drop something. She knows I know my body and brain better than her. I also know 90% of my triggers. This last visit she said I need to see all her patience and teach them how they need to stay on medications and log emotions, moods and thoughts until they find their triggers. With this last visit I requested to go back on Keppra, I use it for sleep and to kill my uncontrollable thoughts. I had gone 3 nights with only 2 hours of sleep a night. My shrink allows me to tweek my medications depending on my moods as long as I let her know right away.
Many with bipolar disorders have several weeks or months of the same mood. In my case I have an extreme rapid cycling. I can go from depressed to rage and back in seconds. Going from manic to depressed is harder and takes longer to come down from it. Most times when I'm in a manic state I take an extra medication. My rage episodes can NOT be controlled. I have punched a supervisor, thrown stuff at a boss and just walked out of a job. The boss I threw stuff at was also bipolar but not diagnosed. Many times I flip it's caused by others and their moods. My friend has a mentally challenged boy that can set me off if he's in a bad mood.
Knowing your triggers is great way to help control situations. My mood triggers are, the sociopath child that lives downstairs, bad news, kiddos not doing as told, kiddo-1 being around too much (he's un-medicated bipolar), stress about bills or money in general. My rage triggers have been unpredictable the last 2 years. My anxiety triggers are people, any people. Usually more than 1 I know being around.
How does all this effect my life?
I can't go out with friends, work, shop much, socialize, spend time outside, spend time with family and enjoy what used to be the best day of the week. I have not been to a holiday with family in 6 years. Saturdays I used to play cards with three friends but it has gotten to the point I can't. I am also able to diagnose many with mental issues and found the right medications for them. I have studied mental illness for 35 years.
Having a relationship with a significant other is usually a disaster and short lived. I'm lucky that I have a man that has been in my life since I was very little. We spend time together on weekends & have for a few years now. There are times I tell him he needs to leave and he understands. We have no delusions of what we have. Yes, he would love to live with my and my kid, support us and make sure we live well off. He also knows that I can't do that. I need to be able to be by myself when my mood needs it.
Friday, April 14, 2017
Food and Writing
Food and writing are the two things authors & I love. This post is going to have tons of food pictures and recipes if ones are needed; along with my writing stuff.
So lets start off with the fact that CampNaNoWriMo is in full swing. I m 3 days ahead right now. Though this weekend will be slow writing. Below is my project stats. WIP- Nessa is coming out of her shell as the novel continues; however, Marrick is lost. Typical male!
As I take breaks from writing I have been using my birthday presents my kiddo-2 and her boyfriend gave me. Check it out. I'm loving it! Coloring keeps my mind calm when it won't focus on words.
Now for the food part. Here are my writing and Netflix snacks. Cauliflower, carrots and ranch dip. Then there is the store bought fresh crab stuffed mushrooms.
Homemade Chicken Noodle Soup Recipe
4-6 Chicken hind quarters
Chopped carrots
2 Chopped or diced onions
Fresh Basil (2-3 TBsp)
2 TBsp oregano
3-4 cloves of garlic (minced)
3 cups chicken broth
2 stalks of celery (chopped)
In huge pot put the chicken, spices and veggies in. Cover with water. Bring to a boil. Simmer for 3-4 hours adding water if chicken isn't covered. After that add in the broth. Simmer for another 2 hours.
Noodles
Click here for recipe
Serve hot. Store leftovers in frig. Freezes well too.
Before I go off to my writing cave I'll show you a new picture of me...
So lets start off with the fact that CampNaNoWriMo is in full swing. I m 3 days ahead right now. Though this weekend will be slow writing. Below is my project stats. WIP- Nessa is coming out of her shell as the novel continues; however, Marrick is lost. Typical male!
Since kiddo-2 isn't home much because of school and friends I have been eating salads and omelets.
 |
| Lettuce, tomatoes, red onion, diced ham, blue cheese crumbles and colby/jack cheese. |
 |
| No blue cheese crumbles :( |
 |
| Omelet- green peppers, diced ham, red onion, orange peppers & colby/jack cheese |
When kiddo-2 is feeling off or is sick we make homemade chicken noodle soup. Doesn't it look yummy?
Homemade Chicken Noodle Soup Recipe
4-6 Chicken hind quarters
Chopped carrots
2 Chopped or diced onions
Fresh Basil (2-3 TBsp)
2 TBsp oregano
3-4 cloves of garlic (minced)
3 cups chicken broth
2 stalks of celery (chopped)
In huge pot put the chicken, spices and veggies in. Cover with water. Bring to a boil. Simmer for 3-4 hours adding water if chicken isn't covered. After that add in the broth. Simmer for another 2 hours.
Noodles
Click here for recipe
Serve hot. Store leftovers in frig. Freezes well too.
Before I go off to my writing cave I'll show you a new picture of me...
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